A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been workin at a place for about 4 years and in the past two years had a flirty relationship with a married man, nothing serious as he obviously loves his wife, but at the Xmas do he tried to make a pass at me I told him I wasn't interested in him like that and we should stay clear of each other for a while so recently work have had a shuffle round and I now work with him for a whole 12 hours, for Valentines day he bought me 12 red roses and a card I told him I couldn't accept them and he insisted it was as a friend and that he wanted me to have them! I'm really confused as we have stayed away from each other and I haven't flirted and yesterday I get flowers! I've tried to tell him I don't wish it to continue but he's just not getting the message and I don't want him to turn nasty and say I led him on because the last 3 months we've not seen each other! Help!
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (15 February 2013):
 Be clear with him.
Throw the flowers and card away.
Do NOT thank him for the flowers. Tell him that the flowers and card were completely unwelcome and inappropriate, that you have disposed of them and that you wish to have no relationship with him, other than whatever professional contact is mandated by the job.
Do not smile, sadly or otherwise, do not apologize, do not seem to hesitate. Loud and clear, firm and stern, "this flirtation is OVER. I do not wish to engage in any friendship, flirtation or personal relationship with you at all. If you persist, I will have no choice but to involve our employers."
End of.
You aren't setting clear boundaries. You are being loosy goosy because you like the attention and get a thrill out of the flirtation with a married man. Snap out of it, as the line in the film "Moonstruck" went. You can set firm boundaries without being nasty. Blank face, blank affect, flat voice, no expression. If you're feeling uncomfortable about that, ask yourself you want to prolong the drama. Ask yourself if you are presenting a professional, promotable image at your workplace. Ask yourself all those questions that you are avoiding by getting sucked into the drama you've created for yourself.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 February 2013):
 I need to point out the obvious here -- you led on a married man. Flirting shows interest. There's no such thing as "harmless" when you're dealing with a married man.
Answer this one honestly -- before he made a pass at you, did you two ever communicate in a way that you would have to hide if his wife were physically present?
By flirting, you showed interest. If this married man were faithful, he would never have gone along. Remember this always -- if you flirt, you advertise interest.
You were an accomplice to his emotional affair, plain and simple. You must undo this by apologizing to him for leading him on. You can't undo it by simply saying you haven't flirted for 2 months, because you are now a conquest he believes is fighting her love for him. Tell him you have no interest, and if he keeps pursuing you, you will inform his wife.
Stop stroking your ego by flirting with married men, because it is never harmless and it alienates affection from his wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): I agree with ihavetoomanythoughts 15 February 2013.
Put the flowers, along with the card, back on his desk.
He will surely try again to come on to you. He wants you for an affair. So clearly, he does NOT love his wife. If he is trying to get you in bed, you know he is trying or has gotten other women in bed as well.
The flirting that you have had with him for the past two years gave him the green light that it was "GO" between the two of you. NEVER flirt with a married man at all.
Keep rejecting his advances.
If you don't have a boyfriend, then get yourself a "fake" one. Photoshop yourself into a picture with a man. Find a picture on the internet. I would recommend finding a picture of a hulky muscular looking guy. That puts off a lot of other men since they will be seen as weaker. Put the photo in a frame and then put it on your desk. Then get yourself a zirconia engagement ring, as long as the co-workers don't ask a lot of questions about your relationship with your fake boyfriend.
Maybe this will keep the married man at bay. Flip side, he may not care and still keep trying.
Try the above tactics and keep doing what you are doing as far as no more flirting and keep rejecting any and all advances.
And yes, the sexual harassment complaint is a good suggestion if he doesn't back off.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): Oh and OP, be fully prepared to be stern with this guy, have the "sexual harassment" card ready as a last resort too if you need to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): Did you accept the flowers? If so then you are leading him on. OP valentines roses are nothing to do with friendship, if they were then he'd have no problem with you telling his wife about them but you know what the deal is.
He is getting the message OP, he's getting the real message you're sending "persistence pays off" you said no to the flowers but still accepted them even though his reason was utter bullshit.
There is no confusion here OP, you're basically giving him the signal that what you say is bullshit and if he keeps pestering you he'll get what he wants. The flowers incident is exactly that.
You just have to keep it professional as possible, no more flirting, stay away as much as you feasibly can and next time he tries some kind of romantic gesture or invites you for drinks, say no and mean no by sticking to it OP and not letting him convince you otherwise.
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A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (15 February 2013):
 Good on you for rejecting his advances! The fact that he loves his wife but is still making passes at you just makes it seem like he's trying to get that little bit of extra on the side. If he is so persistent, maybe you should have another discussion with him about how you think his behaviour is inappropriate. If you have the roses, put them back on his desk. If he continues to make passes, then perhaps file a sexual harassment complaint. As drastic as that may be, it is better for you to get in first than him.
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