A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am so confused with my married lover,we have been lovers for 5yrs he is 65 and i'm 60, he knows that i love him very much but i'm not sure if he cares about me as strongly,these last few mths though he has become more emotionally envolved with me more loving when we have sex lots of hugs and kisses afterwards,he never use to kiss me during sex now he loves to just stare into my eyes and kiss me all the time we have sex,tells me he needs me ect but he won't say he loves me.Well he has now obtained a very important job that requiers a hell of a lot of commitment 7 days a week.well yesterday he told me he needs my support and he want's me to be there for him, he told me he can't do it without me.i don't know what to think of his words,why is it me he can't do this without and not his wife? does he really love me or does he not.i wish he would just open up and tell me what is really on his mind.we are always in contact every day without fail he texts me every morning and nite and calls everyday and we see each other when time permits him to.I know i shouldn't be involved with a married man,but people do fall in love sometimes with people they have no right to,and i did just that fall in love.
View related questions:
married man, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2011): well even though it's an affair, it's still a relationship between two people because emotions are clearly involved not just physical stuff, and after 5 years you have "history" together too, so I'm sure he's got emotional investment in you. (it says a lot that in his time of need, it's you and not his wife that he turns to for emotional support). After 5 years he's still passionate about you, and still wanting to have contact with you in the form of phone calls, texts and so on every day. that shows a level of sustained emotional investment on his part. In many normal (not affair) relationships the passion and interest fades over time, but in your case it seems it's increasing with time. How many married folks wish they could say this about their relationship.but it's very concerning that he's been carrying on an affair with you for 5 years and still not decided to end his marriage, or end things with you. Many people finding themselves in a long term affair where emotions are involved, would feel a strong inner conflict and eventually be driven to choose one or the other just to end their inner turmoil and gain peace again. But he doesn't do that, it seems he's found a way to be 'at peace' with having an affair with you long-term.....I think you need to find out if he sees or intends for this to be a permanent arrangement. And to decide what you will do if it is.He's clearly decided that his marriage isn't worth very much if he's been having an affair for so long. So why doesn't he get divorced, if his marriage means so little to him? And it's not like he's sleeping around randomly, instead he's been seeing one woman - you - the whole time. This is a relationship of some sort, with long-term emotional investment, not just him getting his rocks off. it could be that he fears the discomfort and upheaval of divorce, and thus he's going to put off going through it for as long as he can. And as long as you continue to be in this affair with him, meeting his needs (emotional and physical), on his terms, without questioning what's going on, you're helping him to feel comfortable where he is. he's found the "right" balance that works for himself and causes himself the least discomfort. And if you continue to accept this, you're basically telling him that your'e comfortable with this arrangement too. So if you're not, you should tell him and maybe it will spark some change in this situation, whether it be that he finally gets divorced to be with you, or this affair finally comes to an end and with it some measure of relief for you.
A
female
reader, calamari  +, writes (23 September 2011):
 you deserve so much better than a man who won't give you what you want but still expects everything for himself.
...............................
A
female
reader, Little Bunny  +, writes (23 September 2011):
It is not so much a matter if he loves you. The question is does he love you enough - enough for you. He has not divorced or left his wife. He wants his cake and eat it too. Is that good enough for you?
Don't let people guilt you about your involvement with him. Sometimes love comes with someone it shouldn't. It does not change your feelings. You did not make a committment to his wife - he did. Whether he loves you or not, are you willing to keep being the Other Woman? You deserve better. Tell yourself that every day. Ask yourself if you want to waste time on a man who doesn't love you enough to be with you - to put you first.
If he even loves you at all. He has not even told you that. I am sure he wants you - he may even need you. I am not convinced he loves you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2011): I think u want to believe that u are NOT hurting anyone. Yes sometimes u can fall in love with a MM BUT u choose to then start sleeping around with them. No one is forcing u to be with the MM, this is the choice u have made and u need to take a critical look at your life.So the MM "needs" you? For what? Sex? Emotional support?Hun, I think u believe the bulldust your MM has been feeding u. Whether he "loves" u or not is not the issue. He has a wife. And I am sure he has kids . That is what is important.I think as we all grow older, we all realise that death is a certainty. Many many affair partners reevaluate their lives when one partner dies. They cannot mourn openly, they hide their emotions, they slink around in the background not being allowed to mourn and slowly the other affair partner suffers in silence. Is this how/what u want in your golden years?Love/lust/need or just using someone for sex is part of illicit relationships.I fully agree with CaringGuy. He has read your situation very well.LoveGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 September 2011):
 I have found that when a man LOVES me I know it. I never have to ask even if he does not SAY it. you know.
I knew my boyfriend loved me before he was able to tell me. I knew he loved me before he knew. because of how he acted.... NOT what he says.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 September 2011):
I'm a man and I can tell you something about men - when we love a woman, she knows it. We tell her, we show her. In fairness, the showing part is more important than the telling, but nevertheless, a woman will know when a man truly loves her.
I'm sorry, but the man you're seeing doesn't love you at all. Not only does he not tell you, but he doesn't show you either. In five years he's made absolutely no attempt to divorce his wife to be with you. You see each other when his 'time permits'. He has a 7 day a week job (sure it's 7 days, and not just him seeing someone else? After all, you can't trust a cheat).
See, what he's done is play the classic game. He's told you all you needed to hear. That you were 'needed'. that he 'can't do things without you'. I'll be he's moaned about his wife at times and blamed her for the marriage problems. And I'm sure he does hug and kiss you, because he knows that it keeps you coming.
But, in the end, this is just fake. Some men can't open up because they're shy. Other can't, because the truth that they're fake would come out. This man knows that you're finally starting to wake up to all this, hence the hugs and kisses - right before and after he's had his way of course.
This man has used you as a prop to further himself. And you've fallen for it. Either you can continue to live this lie and hope that somehow it'll all work out. Or you can take another man's word that you've been used for 5 years, dump this guy and find someone who actually wants to be with you because you're you, and not just when 'time permits'.
...............................
|
