A
female
age
41-50,
*ore
writes:I'm confused. I love my husband but I'm not sure if he loves me anymore. He prefers we live apart because he says at the moment we can't afford to live together. we have a child together but I have be like a single parent.I want a divorce but I'm scared that I rushing into the decision out of anger or to get back at him. I scared of the unknown future with out him. what if I don't see someone else? what if I fall for someone who might treat me worse? we have been living apart for about 4years now and it has been so lonely and fill with arguements and fights. I want to be happy, he says I'll would be, that I should just compromise but I don't believe him any more, I feel he has another woman but I don't have proof of that. The only fact I have is that we haven't been sexually active of about 3years now.I need some advise, I'm so confused.
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female
reader, Midge +, writes (30 March 2007):
 You have many people here that care about you, so dont ever think you are alone. We are only a short message away. I hope all works out well and hope that he can see sense and what he is missing over here.
Chin up and stand tall!
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (30 March 2007):
 Good for you Kore, NOW you're thinking positive! You know there are always people to help you here on this site so please NEVER feel you are alone in all of this.
Stay strong!
Eve
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A
female
reader, kore +, writes (30 March 2007):
kore is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much. I really do appreciate this. You guys are the best! I'll try to be strong and stand firm.He says his coming over this Easter break. I'll still stand by the divorce. About a week ago I told him to stop calling me or mailing me, because I couldn't pretend that everything was okay anymore and he did so. I also told him about the divorce, I guess he didn't take me seriously because that wasn't the first time I mentioned a divorce, he said that he would have to think about it but I should also think about it. I think, I've thought long and hard, it’s all or nothing. I can't compromise. I need a husband with me not one a million miles away!Thanks so much!I really do appreciate this so much. I don't think you would ever know how much. I feel that I now have friends and I'm not alone to handle this all by myself.thank you.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (30 March 2007):
In my last post I said... "And so what if he doesn't earn as much money as he did in Africa, as long as he earns, that's the main thing." What I meant to say was "And so what if he doesn't earn as much money in Africa as he earns in Britain, as long as he earns."
Another point, you say you have a belief in God, Ephesians 5:31 says that when married, a man will leave his mother and father and STICK to his wife, SHE is his main concern and priority now above all others.
Eve
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (30 March 2007):
I think if you dig deeper you'll see that he hasn't gone without sex for the last 3-4 years. As a christian you'll be aware where it says you can get divorced if adultery happens (Matthew 19:9) so don't worry there. It is honourable that he wants to do right by his parents but it is NOT honourable that he won't make sure his OWN FAMILY are looked after FIRST!!! His priority is you and your child, first and foremost before any other member of his family.
I still think you are living on pipe dreams here. HE says married people can live happily apart and he certainly seems to be doing so, the fact of the matter is you are NOT happy! YOU and your child are his responsibility first and foremost. Let other members of his family look after his parents, they won't suffer, even the state will look after them. And so what if he doesn't earn as much money as he did in Africa, as long as he earns, that's the main thing. It's about being together as a family unit that's important, not how much he's bringing into the house.
He's full of excuses love. Give him an ultimatum, tell him you've had enough! 4 years is a long time to live alone, besides you're in the same country as him now are you not? Tell him you both either live together and try to make a go of it or it's over. You'll be fine on your own, you'll see an inner strength you didn't know you had because you have your child to look after. You're not the first single parent on this earth and you certainly won't be the last but you WILL be more happy and content, I promise you that! ;o)
Eve
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (30 March 2007):
From first hand experience, leaving ones country and moving somewhere foreign, I understand both sides.
I left South Africa on my own, had a friend of friend to stay with as a temporary measure. Had to find work immediately as I didnt bring much money with me, then finding my own place to stay, and trying to see to my parents who were still in a dangerous country.
On one hand, I had to try and compromise with regards to what I wanted, and what I needed to do to get my parents somewhere safe.
I moved, leaving my boyfriend behind, knowing that I would only get to see him maybe once a year. Needless to say it didnt last.
My main priority was making enough money to survive and pay the bills, and look after my parents. The easiest decision I ever made was bringing my parents to live with me here.
I understand that your husband wants to do right by his parents, and I totally understand that. I really do!! But he also has a family to think of. His first priority should be his immediate family, that being you and your child. His parents as important as they are, and this sounds terrible, but should be secondary.
I love my parents to bits, but if I had a family in another country, I would want to be there!
I dont know what line of work your husband is in, but I am sure that he would be able to find a decent job here, earning enough money to support his family here, and help his parents. How does he not know whether he will find a good job here? Had he bothered to look, has he put his CV out to agencies to see what there is on offer? Even still, there are areas within the UK that are not as expensive as the likes of London, where you can have a decent life for yourself without the expense of London.
At the end of the day, you and your child should be his priority. He needs to understand this and needs to understand how difficult this is for you and YOUR CHILD. She will be the one suffering most out of all of this. She's in a foreign country, missing her friends, missing her FATHER!!!
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A
female
reader, kore +, writes (30 March 2007):
kore is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for the quick response!
I didn't think I would get responses so soon. I really do appreciate it.
I thought to explain my situations further.
I just relocated from an African country a few months back with my child. He says he can't leave our country at the moment because he may not be able to earn as much as he is earning over there. He want's to help his Father & Mother who are in serious financial problems at the moment. I feel as if I'm being mean for not understanding the fact that he should help his parents but on the other hand I feel angry that he doesn't have me & our child as top priority.
He says married people leave apart and our happy that I should learn to compromise that it's only for sometime.
Of course it definitely affects my self confidence and esteem and at the moment I just struggling to keep on top of my work.
I just assumed that marraige should be for better or worse and may be I'm going back on our marraige vows.
I also feel as if I'm letting him down in time of his needs, even though he hasn't been there for me.
I'm no more wearing my wedding rings because it was stolen.
I think the truth is I'm really scared and I also want to do what is right in the sight of the Lord.
thanks once more for taking time to read all my ramblings! I just needed someone to talk to.
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (30 March 2007):
I have got to agree with Eve. What the hell are you waiting for? Waiting for him to perhaps make the decision to come back or maybe not. There are a lot of maybe's and its not healthy for a woman of your age to be waiting on a man that obviously has no intention of doing anything about it. You have allowed him to make things too comfortable for himself. So comfortable that he can pick and choose if he's gonna come back or maybe not.
Why not make an informed decision for yourself!! Make the decision and stick to it!! If he wanted to be with you, he would have made the decision to move back with you a long time ago. And whats this crap with the "we cant afford to live together"?? Its more than twice as expensive to live apart as it would be together!
Get him told that you want a divorce and you want it NOW!!
He has had you on a string for 4 years dear! Tell him that you're cutting the puppet strings today!
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (30 March 2007):
He is bullshitting you here. He's saying you can't afford to live together? So instead there are 2 houses. 2 sets of council tax, 2 lots of electricity bills, gas bills, phone bills etc etc. I would take the initiative here and TELL him you want a divorce. He has no intentions of getting back together with you, not after this amount of time.
It's always hard when a relationship breaks up especially as we get older and don't want to be left on the shelf. He is draining all your self confidence and self esteem from you though. Think about it... what are you actually clinging on to here? His promises? The hope he comes back and you can live together again? What would your life with him be like... have you thought about it? Do you think it would be a bed of roses or do you think there would be fights and arguing all the time? Is THAT what you are holding on to???? Come on, it's wake up time... you CAN do this and you WILL be fine! Cut yourself from his apron strings once and for all and when you do so you'll see that things aren't so bad.
I always say to people once one door closes another one opens and until you get rid of him once and for all you won't be able to close that door as you're always hoping.... Meanwhile your body language and your state of mind is keeping other, nicer guys away from you and you don't even know it. Do you still wear your wedding ring? Another reason why some guys won't get involved.
Take stock of yourself and tell yourself you don't need him, YOU DON'T!!! He's a loser, he doesn't deserve you, he's lying to you, he has no intentions of coming back or taking you back, he's just keeping you dangling just now. He doesn't want the responsibility of having a loving family so I would definitely turn the tables on him. File for divorce (you'll get help there in the form of legal aid) and make sure he pays for his child so go to the CSA if you haven't already done so! 0845 713 6292 -- That's the CSA's number, if it's different for England then they'll give you the right one, (the one I gave you is for Scotland.)
You're much better off without him and you WILL find that special someone but first you need to get rid of the old baggage. Trust me, you won't regret it and you'll never look back.
Eve
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