A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I am married for nearly 2 years, my problem is this, We have practically no sex life, it's like we are brother and sister or something just sharing the same bed. There is no passion, it's just a peck on the lips and then good night. There is no chemistry.He is really good to me and we get on in every other way but sometimes I feel is this what it is going to be like for the rest of my life, I have married so will have to live with this.. but am I wrong..? Where has the passion and spark gone, is this normal???I have also noticed that whenever a sex scene comes on TV my husband always starts chatting to me, even if there is kissing he tries to take my attention from this and I tried to enjoy the moment, I don't understand why he does this? I am worried about this and feel there must be something seriously wrong in our relationship. I am trying hard but I get really bored.. he is a quiet man, but a gentle and caring person and I do love him for this.Can anyone please give me some advice?? Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): I have been married for a little over 2 years and my husband wont make love to me. We tried counseling and went to a GP and he is perfectly normal. He tries to make love but he just wont get aroused. We have been trying and failing and I have lost so much of my strength with this ritual of being constantly rejected. He avoids sex altogether because he knows that even if he tried, he wont be able to make love to me. I really want for our marriage to work.
A
female
reader, jma0685  +, writes (9 February 2009):
 Hey, I've been having the exact same issue with my marriage. We've been married for al little over two years and this dilemma has been a constant source of agony for me. The weird thing is that we were extremely sexually compatible before we got married. I've tried talking with him, asking him what we can do to fix the problem and if i'm doing anything to contribute to this. I love him very much so my next step is to seek marriage counselling. I'm praying that this will be our saving grace. I find myself resenting him more and more and although i know 100% i will never resort to an affair or anything close to it, i have found myself unconsciously fantasizing about having sex with other men. I hope things get better for you and your spouse... I empathize with you big time. It feels good to know I'm not alone
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): I understand your feelings. I have been with my guy for 2 years and we have not had sex. I have discovered he is watching porn and pleasing himself. I think he has done it way too long that being with a woman takes him out of his comfort zone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): I'm writing this thinking of both anonymous ladies. I'm so sorry your in this situation. I know you didn't expect to feel like this when you vowed to marry these men and be their wives. I'm not sure why some men are like this. It could be they have a much lower sex drive than you wives have. But it's not fair, it's just not fair. I know you may feel love, but companionship is only part of the deal in a marriage with a man who is able to have sex. This kind of imbalance is very destructive to the self-esteem and you can't afford to let it continue because the pain of unfullfilled desire and rejection can quickly lead to resentment and anger.
Be assured there is nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with your husband on a regular basis and if they can't perform and are unwilling to talk then they are cheating you of the happy marriage that you should have.
In at least three major religions refusal to give you wife sex is good grounds for divorce. You may not be thinking this way, but I have seen women who have lived like this for 20 - 30 years. Are you willing to live with this feeling for this long. Who knows what the problems could be, low sex drive, they could be gay, they could hate sex, it could be anything. But to turn away from their wives and try to pretend that nothing is wrong is disrespectful, hurtfull and cowardly. Turning of the TV so there is no mention of sex, watching him sleep while you lie awake and cry, that shouldn't be part and parcel of a marriage, your settling for a lot less than you should have.
Only you, and you alone know how much you love your husband and how much longer you can stand this, but if things are like this and you've only been married for a short time, when will things get better. In your situation the first place to start would be a trip to the GP and a referal to a Sex Counsellor or an expert in marriage guidance. If my husband refused to come, I would divorce his ass for unreasonable behaviour, and would make sure everyone knew why, but I am vengefull that way.
You married these men in good faith, you expected them to a least want to make love to you and make you feel wanted, you didn't marry them so you could cry and wonder why they don't want to have sex. It's not your problem, it's his. If a man can't satisfy his wife, she has every right to demand he release her so she can find someone who can. You may believe he's the best man for you, but look at the films, see how happy young brides can be, look at the wedding pictures. Have you been sold a dream or nightmare. I wish you both good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): hello there. i totally understand you and reading what you wrote brought tears to my eyes because i have only been married to my husband for 10 months and we rarely have sex. he just turned 23 (i am 25) and it frustrates me because i love him. i don't want to cheat and i don't want to divorce, but it hurts me to look over my shoulder and see him asleep while i sit here with tears. i can only hope in God that something will change. i have spoken to him about this and he has had major excuses for his lack of arousal, but im sure he just doesn't have libido. maybe that's why his past girl friends cheated on him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): hello strangerit happensthere is a chemical that the body createsin the beginning, the chemical in the body creates fire works, lust, sweaty sexafter, another chemical is created, it is compassion for each otheru are at different stages of lives.Please talk to each other as this is very normal and seek for understanding.[personal details removed by moderator per site guidelines]
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reader, siren_guj  +, writes (29 May 2008):
There is difference between sexual pleasure and intercourse. First you become SENSUAL and then make love. Try to sleep with your partner in hugging position, go in for some erotic movie.you tell him that sex is a food of life, you should also note that this food is also essential for your self otherwise the day will come when you have to go out for satisfaction.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): The only thing I can tell you is maybe he feels uncomfortable sexually. I don't know how to really go about making him feel more comfortable about it, but I am sure if you guys start having sex more it will come a lot easier. Have you talked to him about this. Say that you really love him and want to have sex, and why he doesn't. Hopefully a good honest conversation can sort this out.
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reader, Gio  +, writes (29 May 2008):
Hi! Well, sex life can change (not necessarily for the best)from as soon as 6 months into a relationship! What you need is to look at sex in a different way, and make your husband look at it in a more fun kind of way too. It is as when you look up at the sky on a beautiful clear night, you don’t usually concentrate on just one star and on how great it is. You take in the glory of the whole sky. Intercourse is just one small part of sex, like one small planet in the vast galaxy of erotic possibilities that make up sex. If you focus on that one small planet, you’re going to miss the rest. You need to explore the otherhighly erotic planets in the galaxy. Doing so will enhance your intimacy and your sexual satisfaction.You may very well find that you have a better sex life if you forget about intercourse and instead becomea creative “galactic explorer”. You might start by thinking about each of the senses – touch, taste, smell, hearing,and sight – and coming up with a list of pleasures in each of those areas.These need not be sexual pleasures; just things that bring you intense enjoyment. A fruit, the sound of the waves, the scent of cinnamon, the feel of silk, intimate talk – these are just a few examples to get you started. Start building sensual pleasures like these into your life in all kinds of situations, not just sexual ones. Thiswill begin to wake up your senses and deepen your enjoyment in everyday life. Then bring that heightened sensitivity into your sexual life. See what you can bring into the bedroom that would stimulate sensual pleasure.How does a feather feel on the back of your/his knee? How does it feel to have a recording of the ocean playingwhile you/he runs the rough (or smooth) edge of a seashellalong his/your inner thigh? Be creative. Build this kind of pleasuring activity into each and every encounter, whether you go on to have intercourse or not. Remember: the goal is pleasure and connection, not intercourseand orgasm! That’s what great sex is really all about.I am copying here an exercise that I read recently, and that may help you get started:#1This exercise is designed to help you get in touchwith all the areas of your body and learn about howand where you like to be touched, and how yourwhole body can respond to loving touch. It is an exercisein awakening your senses and experimentingwith different sensations.The goal is NOT to become sexually aroused, but tolearn about how your body responds to touch. Youmight become aroused and that’s fine, but do NOTproceed to having intercourse.Each partner will take a turn at giving and receivingpleasure. Set aside at least an hour for this experience.The room should be comfortably warm and you needto arrange not to be disturbed. Turn off the phone.Warm the lotion. You might also want to use candles,music, aromatherapy, or whatever else would enhancethe sensuality of the experience.Partner A is to simply lie back and enjoy the experience.He/she disrobes and lies on his/her stomachfirst. He/she may want to close their eyes in order tofocus more effectively on bodily sensations and feelings.Partner B should begin by putting lotion on theirhands and beginning to caress and touch Partner A’sbody beginning just under the hair line at the back ofthe neck and ending with the bottom of the feet. ThenPartner A is asked to turn over onto their back andbeginning with the face, Partner B pleasures the frontof their body, excluding the breasts and genitals. (Thisapplies to both males and females.)You are asked not to talk during the experience exceptto tell the pleasuring partner if the touch needs to bemodified to make it more pleasurable. If one area isparticularly pleasurable, you might want to ask thepleasuring partner to spend a little more time in thatarea.The entire process should take at least twenty minutesper person.At the end of the pleasuring, both partners might wantto rest for a few minutes before trading places. ThenPartner B should simply lie back and enjoy beingpleasured while Partner A strokes and caresses him/her using the same process as before.Don’t discuss the exercise with your partner rightaway. If you want to make a few notes in your journalabout what this was like for you, go ahead. Thenchoose a time when you can be uninterrupted laterand discuss the experience using these “lead-ins”:“What I liked best about the experience was...”“The type of touch I enjoyed most was...”“I loved it when you...”“Next time we do this, I’d love you to try...”Focus on the positive, and what felt best for you,physically and emotionally. Do this exercise severaltimes before moving to the next one.#2Set up this exercise in the same way as #1. You will proceed the same way except that this time you will include breasts and genitals in your touching. However, include them only as you include all other parts of the body – Don’t spend any extra time or attention on these areas. Again, your goal is not sexual arousal, but simply becoming aware of your response to being touched, learning more about what you like. Pay attention to the sensations and feelings you experience-— both the kinds of touchthat enhance your pleasure and touches that blockpleasure.Again, the entire process should take at least twentyminutes per person. Repeat the exercise at least twice,and discuss the experience some time later using the“lead-ins” above.Anyway, I hope you will find this of assistance. Good luck :)
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