A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for a little over a year. I feel like my marriage was a mistake because I my husband and I dated for two months because we married. We now have a baby together and things have just gotten worse for me. I have children from a previous relationship and so does my husband. My problem with my husband is that I feel that I haven't been able to trust him, he refuses to work, and is not helpful with the baby. Neither of us own a car, but he will sometimes borrow his mom's car and goes away from the house for hours on end without any explanation on his whereabouts. Sometimes he's even gone all night. He does not work and I've been working in a job that is absolutely driving me crazy just to have some money coming in. He literally worked for like one month during our marriage. He will get an interview and just won't go. He is not even helpful with our baby. Since I work, I expect that he should watch the baby with no problem. That's not even the case, he acts like it's a problem to watch the baby and I sometimes have to take the baby with me to work all day. I work at a family business so the owner doesn't mind. I just feel like I settled to say I was someone's wife, but I really was in love when we married. I love him, but I don't know how to get him to change his ways to make this marriage work. I've considered divorce, but I don't think I even have the money for an attorney to get divorced right now. What should I do? I don't want to ask family members because I don't have any that are in successful marriages.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2019): Seek pro bono legal services; and they will offer you legal-advice and direct you to lawyers who offer free services.
You can't change the guy. How you fell in-love and got married in two months is beyond comprehension; but what's done is done!
It's senseless keeping a useless-man in your house. He scammed you into taking him in to give him cover and financially-support him. If he disappears without any explanation; he's probably involved in a crime-ring or drug gang. Making money you'll never see! He can't show any evidence of that kind of money, because it's illegal. He can't buy a car, because it requires paying insurance, taxes, and insurance. He knows you'd expect his help; or you'd use it as your own getaway-car! You'd pack-up, grab your kids, and dash!
He's just another mouth to feed! I beg to differ with you. You have kids; and you were desperate for help, you don't love him. You deluded yourself into thinking you've finally found a man to help you. You were lonely, and convinced yourself you found romance. That's what you'd do when you're lonely and desperate. You can stop telling yourself you love him.
Go online, and search for a local helpline for legal-services. Many women's shelters are connected to law firms that help women like you.
May God bless and guide you. Don't pry into where he disappears to. Maybe it's best you don't know. If he's not telling you when you ask; trust that it's bad-news! Criminal or not!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2019): What exactly do you love about him? Because it sounds more like you're afraid to be alone. You married a guy you barely knew so you wouldn't be alone. But the thing is, you're alone anyway. He's not a partner, a husband, a father, he's not even a decent babysitter! You don't need to file for divorce to leave him. You just need somewhere to go. I recommend you start working on that. Save up or ask a familyl member if you can move in with them. Don't waste any more time on him, he will never change.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2019): This is the original poster, I've known him for over 15 years. We just didn't date until two months before we married. We didn't get married because we were having a baby.
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (30 November 2019):
 The "coulda" "shoulda" "wouldas" are not going to get you ANYWHERE. Reality is that you are not in a good marriage and you are wondering what to do. What is it that you really want to do? Do you love the man enough to try to work with him and possibly turn things around? Do you think that is possible? Would it even be worth it to seek out counselling or guidance?
Based on what you tell us, he doesn't work, he stays out all night doing who knows what (I'm afraid we can all guess what that is) and he won't even be a reliable babysitter for his children.
Sweetheart...what would you be losing if you kicked him to the curb? You already have a job and you are so lucky that you can take your child to work with you. Don't knock it...its your lifeline right now.
If it was me and I didn't see any hope of a future, I'd ask the deadbeat to get out. What use is he? You need to think of your children and yourself. I'd strongly urge you to get yourself tested for any kind of STD because the odds are your husband is cheating. You don't have to file for a divorce right away and I believe there are divorces where an attorney will work with you in getting paid. I would most definitely separate though because this man is just a ball and chain around your neck. He is giving you NOTHING in return except headaches.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2019): What did you expect? Marriage success usually comes from knowing someone inside out and working hard on the relationship. You married a stranger and had a baby ridiculously quickly. I’m sorry, OP, but you’ve bound yourself and your child to him for life.
I feel incredibly sorry for your child - I have a strained relationship with my dad because my mum didn’t know him well when I was conceived and he turned out not to be very paternal. We’ve had a lot of problems and there’s even been emotional abuse because I have health issues and he’s not very understanding or patient with them. Some days, I resent that my mum chose him for my dad. I’m afraid you will probably get the same from your child.
Not only that, but why would you marry a stranger when you already have other children to PROTECT from strangers?
It’s time to be honest with yourself, OP. You weren’t in love. You don’t love this jobless, uncaring, lazy man-child. You were in love with being someone’s wife and rushed into marriage with a stranger. Own up to yourself or you’ll be stuck in denial for a long time.
“I don’t want to ask any family members because I don’t have any that are in successful marriages” - what on Earth has that got to do with you leaving a shotgun wedding to a useless stranger? Ask for the money as a loan, get divorced, move out or move him out, continue at your job and taking your baby to work and have one less person to pay for financially, physically and emotionally.
It will be hard, but you CHOSE this stranger to be your husband and your child’s deadbeat dad. Time to accept it for what it is and start to fix this.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (30 November 2019):
 I don't know what you thought you saw in this feckless man to even consider marrying him after 2 months, let alone actually doing something so reckless. I mean, was he working back then? If not, why did you think things would change if/when you got married? And you have a baby already. Was that the reason you got married? I can't believe someone would rush into marriage with someone they had know only weeks just for the "gravitas" of being called someone's wife.
You don't need to divorce to get away from him. I can't imagine what it is you "love" about him (he sounds like a complete waste of oxygen) but, the only thing which would change if you left would be you would have one less greedy lazy mouth to feed. Also you could stop worrying about his whereabouts. If he is staying out all night, what do YOU think he is doing? I know what I would think. Not only is he useless when he is around, but he is more than likely cheating on you.
I know you say you hate your job but, for the time being at least, it is ideal in that you can take your baby along. Not many employers would allow you this flexibility.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2019): Oh wow , what a husband . Ok so you don’t have the funds for divorce right now but what’s stopping you simply leaving . The formality of the divorce can come later . You don’t need to have formal divorce papers to get away from this guy . It surely makes no difference financially as he contributes zero financially and it will make no difference to your childcare either as you are doing that all yourself too
Effectively you are living as a single mother with the additional stress of a man who sponges off you so leaving sounds like the most logical option and file for divorce down the track when your in a better financial position
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