A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my bf for 4 years. We have one child together and he is 5. Around the time I got pregnant, we were having issues and broke up. Shortly after, he got a new gf and they were together for about about a year and a half, all thru my pregnancy and our sons first year. He was obviously absent thru that first year. Well, except a few times when he'd pop in to ask how he was and ask for a DNA test, which I followed thru with but ironically he did not. He would start flirting and would start talking about all the "what ifs" between us. I can honestly say I was intrigued but I never really believed in him because he would always disappear shortly after. I just enjoyed my sons first year and we were happy. Fast forward to the end of that first year and a half and my bf/sons father shows up for an unexpected visit. Thus began our family. Little did I know, he also had a baby on the way with his new gf. It was very confusing but I chose to ride it out with him and here we are 4 years later. My issue is a complicated one as you can see. Maybe I've loved trash for 4 years. As a couple we've had issues with his other child's mother. I've always tried to stay out of it but she always comes to me. First she came to me to apologize for being so nasty in that first year. Time went by and she showed me conversations between her and him where he was flirting and crossing lines. At first he remained innocent but once he read the messages, he asked if I wanted to leave then he brought up how much he cares about us and if he didnt want our family he wouldn't be working so hard for us. Hes actually become a totally different person with us. He used to be into drugs but he stopped. He got a job. He's gotten very straight and responsible and he takes care of us well. But for the past years, she has (and I guess, he has) planted this seed of doubt in my mind. He doesnt speak to her anymore because she is very argumentative and bitter. But I always come across things on social media between he and her from their relationship years ago. He was always so sweet and romantic with her. They planned on getting married. They were so gushy and cute. We're not like that at all. We have fun but we dont talk about marriage. He doesn't call me his love like he always called her. He tells people I'm his wife but I'm not. Sometimes I wonder where the romance is in our relationship. I wonder why he doesnt do those things for me. But he has turned his whole life around for us...so should I just shut up and be happy for that? Hes totally dismissed her and gave me the life that hes promised her but sometimes I dont feel like we're lovers just partners in the business of raising a son. Any thoughts? Its messy but an outside perspective is always helpful.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2019): OP here.
So first, you're right that I shouldn't disregard her feelings and call her bitter. I guess I just feel invalidated because our relationship hasn't always been the easiest, and I had lot of occasions where my feelings have been hurt but have always been overshadowed by other people's feelings.
I do love him I've just never really been a very affectionate person. I'm very introverted and that's a huge fault of mine. It's taken a lot for me to open up as much as I have in this relationship and I know I'm not doing a good job but it really is hard for me to open up.
He hasn't exactly been the greatest partner and sometimes I just let the things hes done to hurt me keep a wall up.
I guess I let parenting consume me too and I put everything into our son but if I didn't, I'm not so sure he would.
Theres a lot of things I've done to keep him at arms length now that I really reflect.
Sometimes I wonder how it would have been if I had just let him go in the beginning. Maybe he would've had a perfect family with her. But I know I've made sacrifices in this relationship that I wasn't comfortable with that have made him comfortable that hes never appreciated. I put up with a lot from his family. I've even put up with his flirting with her and gawking at other women online. Maybe I would be head over heels if he made feel like he was for me too but whenever we have a disagreement all I ever get hit with is how hard he works for our family when I've been right there beside him. I've been hungry and tired and sore. Sometimes I even got less sleep because I'd help him then I'd be up with our son at the crack of dawn. Eventually I stopped working with him so much because he always made me feel like a burden, another expense, but then I'd hear how hard it was for him without someone to help him.
I've learned to never ask him for help. Actually the money he makes, he'll buy some fast food or diapers when our son was in diapers but not much else.
But I digress. This is actually a great example of how the things he does overshadow my love for him. I still feel unappreciated no matter what I do.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2019):
It takes two to tango. Every relationship is different. You cannot just copy-paste romance. What they had was between them. Just because you an this "other" gf have the same partner, doesn't mean that you will have the same relationship with him. How romantic are you? Do you make him candlelit dinners? Give him surprise handmade gifts? Take him to see most magnificent views? Or whatever YOU consider to be romantic? If you want to get married, why don't you address the subject? Why be so passive? Why wait for him to do it? Because it's more romantic if a guy proposes? Well, according to certain patriarchal standards, it is - women wait to be adored and proposed to by men.
You know what they say, be the change you want to see :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2019): You simply cannot compare yours and his relationship to theirs, you are different women and your relationship with him will be different to her.
Do you want more romance because you think that's what she had so you want it?
Just work on bringing romance into it yourself, have date nights, cook nice meals, set romantic tones in the bedroom, leave him love notes, he should start to see what you want, don't leave it down to him.
But if you want your relationship to work you need to focus on what you have and not what he 'had' with someone else...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2019): I always laugh when people call the ex bitter. As if the ex has no good reason to be bitter or annoyed.
Are you happy? Do you love him? Do you feel loved? Do you feel like you're settling? Do you picture being with him in the long term? Is this enough for you?
Those are the questions you need to answer and only you can answer them. In some ways what he does or feels is irrelevant. you can only think about what you feel and i'm getting the impression that you're not head over heels for this guy. So why are you with him?
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