A
male
age
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*immydin
writes:I have been married for 27 years and we have three children, 17, 13, and 12. For several years my wife had been reluctant to engage in sex, and I had become increasingly frustrated, both physically and emotionally. At work I had got to know a girl Susan half my age (I’m 56, she’s 28), and we had become very friendly. Initially I hadn’t thought about her as a possible lover, but as time went on, I became interested in the idea of having sex with her. Eventually, I asked her out. It took about three weeks where both of us were unsure whether we should continue to get more deeply involved, and where we were trying on the one hand to resist the mutual attraction, but also wanting it to continue, but eventually we could not resist each other. It went on from there, and we found that despite our age difference we had so much in common, we just clicked and got on so well. So although I had initially thought that we might just have a sexual fling, we actually fell deeply in love with each other. At the time I was asking her out she had already applied for a job quite far away. After that we only had about three weeks before she left. Before she left, we were able to spend two entire days together and we got on so incredibly well in each other’s company all the time over 48 hours. When she left and still now, nearly two months later, we both still love each other so much and think of each other as soul-mates, two of a kind. It feels as if I never knew before what love really was, never before have I felt so much empathy with another person. We are so much on the same intellectual level, and have such a similar mindset. I have met many other people of the same intellectual level as myself, but I have never felt as if I had anything much in common with them, or any deep mutual understanding.Early on in the affair, my wife found out about it. We argued, and I was adamant that I wasn’t going to stop it. Shortly after that my wife started to want to have sex with me at every opportunity. Now that Susan is gone, my wife says she loves me dearly, that she is sorry for refusing sex with me before, and she now wants sex almost all the time, quite often we have sex twice a day. She says it was the feelings of jealousy that made her change her attitude to sex. While I enjoy the fact that I am now getting lots of sex, whereas I was getting hardly any before, I still think about Susan almost all the time.Susan and I both know that looking at it rationally, that we should not be expecting our affair to be anything more than a short lived affair. But it is so difficult to put that into practice. For a while we kept communicating, and then she suggested that we shouldn’t stay in touch, and we stopped communicating; it was the utmost agony. After two weeks she wasn’t able to cope with not being in touch and since then we have been exchanging emails, texts and phone calls. We both miss each other so much. I think about her almost all the time.And although my wife says she loves me, I just do not have the feelings for her that I have for Susan. I never felt the same way about my wife as I do about Susan. Before we were due to be married, we separated for a while, and eventually we got together again. But when we were separated, I never felt the agony in my heart, and the sense of loss that permeates into my chest, nor did I have times when I just had to go aside and find somewhere to break down and cry for my loss as I do now.Rationally, I know that the logical path is to stay at home, and try and love my wife, but I simply can’t create the feelings for her that I have for Susan. Rationally, I know that everything tells me that the hurt and the pain will subside over time, that time will help me forget. Rationally, I know that we should break all contact. But I cannot conceive of ever forgetting the intensity of my feelings of love for Susan, and I am afraid that I will spend the rest of my life either dwelling on that loss, or else looking for that sort of love again with someone else.So why aren’t I packing my bags and going to be with Susan? I know that she feels that it is only the fact that I am married with a family that is stopping us being together. But we both worry about whether we are fooling ourselves. Has it all been to quick, too short, and if we did get together would it just fizzle out after a while? Were we simply caught up in the newness and excitement? I also worry about whether it would be fair for me to continue with her, knowing that as the years go by, I will be old when she is still comparatively quite young? I worry about the responsibilities to my children, although they are more than halfways grown up. But I also worry about Susan. Will she be all right? Will she make the wrong choices in her life? Should I be there to help her through life?So what do we do? Is it possible to know, over a period when you don’t actually see each other but still communicate, to get to know if the other person is really the person you thought she was, or if you were looking through rose-tinted glasses? Perhaps the glasses will just remain in place over that period?How do we see what is real, what is wishful imaginings, and what are the possible options? I feel that at he moment my life is on hold, waiting to see what way things will work out. I don’t want to lose the one real love of my life if that is what it really is.
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male
reader, jimmydin +, writes (2 December 2009):
jimmydin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks female anonymous of 30 November, who wrote:
"have you considered that she was going through MENOPAUSE?" Yeah, sure, for at least ten years she was having her menopause, which she simply happened to get over at exactly the same time as I started showing an interest in another woman. Sorry, but you are way off the mark.
Thanks, Code Warrior, but, regarding my children, what I worry about is that, if I decide to go with Susan how to make the best arrangements for my children. I'm not saying that it would be ideal, but neither is a situation where I am completely unhappy and that reflects onto home life and the children.
Code warrior likes to force his opinion on others that marriage vows are until death. Well, for a start, it is not a legally binding contract, not where I live anyway. And even if it was a binding contract, one party is not bound by a contract if the other party reneges on the terms of the contract. And the fact is that my wife did not fulfill the requirement of giving one's partner reasonable sexual exchange. So don't push your antiquated views on marriage vows on me and expect me to take any notice of your dogmatic opinions. For years I did try to persuade my wife to fulfill that part of our marriage, and she did not respond.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009): Code Warrior and Accountable, as always a good read.
"Funny how people often accuse others of that which they themselves are so guilty of." Code, you are right.
jimmy, you just do not get it, do you?? is suzy girl was doing it with you what makes you think she won't with someone, more virile, and closer to her age?? your retirement from work and basically life is beckening, or are those glasses so misted right now??
i think your good wife of 27 years should bascially kick you to the curb. once your suzy girl is also tired of her old fart she too will have no use for you, then what. old age and loneliness??? well wife has been giving you the goods (even twice in one day) and you have been getting it from suzy.
you say your wife did not want sex, i am assuming she is also late 40's/early 50's. have you considered that she was going through MENOPAUSE?? your wife should stop wasting her life, she should go out and find a decent FAITHFUL man whom she can spend her golden years with. trust me, there are still plenty decent men around.
Jimmy, your two follow ups has also made me realise just how pigheaded you are. stop justifying your behaviour & YOU be realistic. either the wife or the mistress. cannot have both.
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A
female
reader, Accountable  +, writes (29 November 2009):
 Having read your question and followups, I'm not really sure what advice you're looking for. It seems like you've already made up your mind? You have asked whether you are looking at your relationship with susan through rose-coloured glasses - that is to say, subjectively, and presumably therefore lacking in any stable longevity. As such, people here have given you considered, rational and objective responses to the issue you posed. Obviously people here are dealing with the limited information you provided (that isnt an insult to you or your writing, but obviously you can only ever portray a situation in so much depth), so I don't see how you can insult Code Warrior for attempting to be perceptive - if you didn't want people's perceptions, why are you asking for help on an anonymous website?
Anyway, regarding the nature of initial "love" versus the kind of love that develops after years of being with somebody. Yes, this love with Susan could be a mere case of excitement, and obviously it will at this time seem more intense than the love you share with your wife, after years of what may have been monotonous routine. I personally think theres a very good chance that the fact it is (while you are still married) taboo contributes to this feeling of excitement, and if I were you I would question whether that is the case here. Because clearly once you leave your wife for her, you relationship with Susan is likely to go the same way as your relationship with your wife did - it will become a routine, and if you're only invested in it because of the initial thrill, I would doubt its longevity.
Concerning the age gap, yes there are couples that make this work, but again I think posters here raised valid points - you two may be in many some ways compatible, but have you discussed what she wants in her future, and what you want in yours? Children, jobs, what she'll be doing while you're in retirement, if she's going to become a new mother to your children, how she will handle looking after you when you are 90 and she is 60? I'm not saying these aren't things which can be overcome, and yes some of them may be irrelevant to you, but they are further things that you need to consider. Its fine to say that any relationship may encounter problems, but its unrealistic to imagine that this relationship will be simple, and it automatically is going to face certain issues others wont - you need to think about what you will be getting yourself and susan into.
As for Code Warrior "imposing" his belief on you that marriage vows are eternal - I thought that was simply part of the institution of marriage, which is by nature a binding of two people til death, and which you signed up for when you and your wife chose to consolidate your love in this way.
Anyway, I hope you find something constructive in this comment. I would like to mention that I completely understand the comments posted previously which state you are being unfair to both your wife and your mistress - you say that you feel stuck in a state of limbo, but at least you have two relatively clear courses of action. The two women concerned in this can but wait for your decision, and if I were either of them I would feel used, I'll be honest. I realise some decisions take time, but I would encourage you to make a move with this soon - so either your wife or Susan can move forward independantly, and try to find love with somebody else and create their own lives. Good luck, I genuinely look forward to your response.
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A
male
reader, jimmydin +, writes (29 November 2009):
jimmydin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCode Warrior's viewpoint is clearly that it can only his viewpoint that is the valid one. I hope his wife agrees.1. Why is Code Warrior talking about "don't give us some line of bull about sacrificing for the kid's sake" when I didn't do so? If you want to know, I would have no difficulty talking to my kids and explaining the situation to them. Don't be so presumptuous that you are so perceptive that you can know the minds of the people who write on these pages.2. Code Warrior misses the point here. In any relationship there is a chance that some time later the relationship will stop working. So does that mean no-one should ever get involved with anyone else? No, it doesn't.3) Code Warrior thinks that marriage vows bind you till death. Really? If you are trying to give relationship advice you need to take account the viewpoints of the people that you are trying to advise. If they don't think that marriage vows are eternally binding, then saying that they are isn't advice - all you are doing is pushing your viewpoint down other's throats.4) Code Warrior says that he he is sure that if I have sex with my wife it is all about love. How the hell does he know? On the other hand, he says that if it doesn't involve love, that I am just leading her on. Really? Even though she knows I about Susan and that I have told her that I may leave? Even though my wife has said that, even if I will eventually leave, she still wants to have sex with me anyway in the meantime. So how is it cruel if I agree?5) I haven't a notion what Code Warrior is talking about here. My point was that the I believe that love would be the basis of a relationship, not some rational look at what material advantages it would bring to both people. When I said that wasn't enough for me, I thought it was obvious that I meant that a materialistic exchange should not be the basis for a relationship, not that I meant I wanted both that sort of materialistic exchange and a topping of love as well
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A
male
reader, jimmydin +, writes (29 November 2009):
jimmydin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies:
My response is:
1. It has made me realise that the only thing stopping me from walking out the door is my kids. That's why I am stopping and want to make sure that the bond between Susan and myself is all that we think it is. That doesn't mean I am a coward - not everyone who takes time to consider is a coward.
2. There are couples out there who are very happy despite an age difference so those who simply dismiss the possibility aren't being helpful at all.
3. Maybe some people think that vows made thirty years ago have a bearing on what goes on today. Given all that has happened since then, that is nonsense.
4. As for the comment that "if Susan was my one big love, I'd have loved her enough to stay away from her". Will this person please try to enter the real world instead of trying to live in fairyland? And don't you know that it is possible to seperate sex and love - that you can have sex without it meaning that you have deep feelings for the other person?
5. If success in a relationship depends on getting the rational decisions right, then the only successful relationships must be those where there is a capitalist type of exchange, where each person gives something to the other, which the other person finds acceptable enough to decide to engage in a partnership. Maybe that works for some people, but it's not enough for me.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (26 November 2009):
 I may not have walked a mile in your shoes, but I've sure done a few steps. I completely understand the emotions you're feeling, having shared them.
Listen to your rational side. That's your gut check, and they're usually right.
Even if you had ever felt that way for your wife, the "new relationship" phase with her was so long ago that you can't possibly remember the immediacy of those feelings. I don't mean to trivialize what you felt with Susan, but what that really was was a little mid-life bonus. Just a reminder of what it's like to be truly, incredibly alive, after so many years of just going through the motions. It's heady stuff. It's also ephemeral. Even if you stayed with Susan it would fade over time.
You made vows with your wife. Breaking them under these circumstances isn't laudable, but it *is* human. The honourable thing to do now is gratefully accept that your wife recognized her wake-up call and worked to change, and to stay in the home to parent your children. They're not exactly "half-way grown up", particularly the two youngest. Think of what kind of example you'd be setting, walking out and turning their lives upside down because you were bored.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2009): Erhm.. if Susan was your one big love, you'd have loved her enough to stay away from her and not cheat on your wife with her. Really, you disrespected not only your wife, but this Susan woman too. She is now a side dish, and not the only person in your heart. If you truly do love her and she's "the one" your heart wouldn't be so conflicted. It'd all be pretty clear. But you are after so many years with your wife, simply gotten used to staying where you are, and you are scared to move on.
And why are you scared? Because there is no guarantee that Susan in fact IS the great love of your life. She's the forbidden fruit. Once you are free to date her, it's not a given that the same tension and lust will be there.
The fact is that the relationship you have/had with her sounds too much like infatuation and simple lust, than it sounds like love. With love comes respect. You haven't respected her. You really haven't. And she hasn't respected herself by sleeping with a married man.
Too bad if you don't love your wife, but I am pretty sure at one point you did feel that agony in your heart for your wife, it's just been too long, because you've not been away from her for 27 years. You still have sex with your wife, and desire her, as often as two times a day. After 27 years and kids with Susan, would you have wanted her that much?
Yes, this is rose colored glasses. If your wife is willing to work on the marriage, I suggest you work on it. She did neglect you, that is true, but if she hadn't, would you still have started what you started with Susan? Or did Susan just fill a void?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2009): You're a coward, too frightened of life without either your wife or your mistress. You already know what the right answer is, yet you're too pathetic and spineless to do it.
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A
female
reader, Lilly Rose +, writes (26 November 2009):
 You need to respect your wife and the other women, ask yourself if your bit on the side said she wanted to be with you 2moro what would you say? If its yes then you must let your wife go.....she cant play second best its not fair, i could understand if u had the affair n now regret it but u dont, u miss this other women etc.
Its one or the other u cant have both. Maybe its time for you to be alone... work out in your head what u want!
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