A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am 56 yrs old, sitting here late at night ready to cry - in that I have known my wife (55) for 35 yrs., married for 32, with 3 grown children and 2 grandchildren - and through all these years, she has never given me oral sex. I made some subtle suggestions early in our marriage, with books, articles, and suggestive notes, but she never even warmed up to the idea. From there I knew it wasn't going to happen. I love going down on her all the time - in fact, it seems that I have had to carry the burden of creativity, while she simply goes along, acting like sex is not a big deal. She sometimes insists on having the television set on while I am making love to her, so she can act out as if she is being distracted. Today I just came out and asked why she does not reciprocate - she said she thinks it's just a "phobia" - but never elaborated. I know she is very uncomfortable even talking about the subject -and will become angry and frustrated if I attempt to bring it up. Of course I love her - but I know there can be a whole new world that can open up to our sex lives if she at least tried. I like to think I am clean, well-groomed, eat healthy, exercise, and in good shape for my age. I would not expect her to even attempt taking semen into her mouth - and I know if she even remotely opened up to the idea, the process would be slow and delicate. I am open to any productive suggestions that may help - of course, finding a different woman on my own is not an option - it would just be nice to find out what it feels like before I die.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2013): Your wife has a phobia and still you want her to do something that triggers her phobia? That's selfish. Her not wanting to do it is NOT selfish because it is due to fear not out of willingness to hurt you. Yet to disregard her fear is being selfish. Do you not care how she feels? Her getting angry when you broach the subject is her defense mechanism.
Please read up a bit on phobias and fear/trauma responses. You will see how cruel it is to invalidate and dismiss someone's instintctual fear by saying "I know you have a phobia but you should at least try this for my sake ". This will lead that person to lose trust in you because they don't feel "safe " around you becauee you are trying to hurt them.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2013): Well the answer is you'll have to come to terms with never having a BJ. It is a problem for you to deal with not to make into your wife's problem. It really is unlikely that your wife after 32 years will change her personality or her likes and dislikes unless part of her dislikes have to do with something you're doing that's putting her off, in which case you could change.But if you're at the point where she gets angry and frustrated every time you bring it up, then I am afraid the only thing to do is you need to stop bringing it up unless you want to seriously damage your relationship with her. The more you bring it up after she has made clear she is uncomfortable the more you are building a wall between the two of you because you're disrespecting her. No means no. If you keep bringing it up no matter how gently you are showing that you are not taking no for an answer instead you're trying to change her. That will reduce intimacy between you. Soon she may stop wanting to even kiss or hug you for fear of it what it will lead to. So really, I am sorry you won't ever experience a BJ but in life we cannot have everything we want. I had dreams of being a professional athlete and was a serious contender when I was young but didn't make the final cut. I will die without ever having realized that dream. Lots of people die without ever experiencing things they really wanted. My grandmother never got to write the book she always wanted. A friend of mine got paralyzed in a car crash and will never ride a bike or run or drive ever again. You're just going to have to accept your lack of BJ and try not to make it into this huge deal or you could really damage your 32 year marriage. Now that would be an even worse shame than never getting a BJ don't you think?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2013): Your wife is highly uncomfortable and distubed at the idea. I am sorry but that trumps your desire to get a bj. Being asked repeatedly or gently pressured to do something that is not OK with her, refusing to take no for an answer (if you accepted it you would drop the subject permanently) is basically violating her trust in you and building resentment. Not getting a bj, is trivial in comparison. Please just learn to deal with it. Learn to appreciate what you have rather than focusing on what you dont have. Don't drag your loyal wife of 35 years into a dark place mentally just because you are not satisfied with what she does give you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 July 2013):
 Well at least you don't know what you are missing.
I miss being given oral sex as I used to have partners that gave it but now I'm with a man who will not give it. Sadly it's the only way I can be brought to what I consider a complete orgasm by a partner. Everything else is nice but it's NOT the same.
On that note, by all means I think you should talk to your wife and tell her you would like to experience it... the worst thing she can say is NO....
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (22 July 2013):
OP, I think you have been taken in by modern behaviour! This is not a big deal, but yes I guess it's nice to find out you haven't missed anything. Do you give you wife oral sex? If so then next time introduce some chocolate sauce and at the right time get her to do lick it off you! Don't ask just say she has to try it once. I personally think a vagina is a million times better than a mouth, but my wife loves sucking me so I accommodate her!
There are a lot of things that people could do with each other, but I don't think you need to try them all to have a totally fulfilled relationship.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 July 2013):
 I like the comment of male anon reader of July 21st.
Look at the bigger picture. In the sad eventuality you die without having gotten your BJ, you can always comfort yourself with the thought that you also don't die alone and childless like many other guys. You also die without ever having been cheated on, used for money, abused verbally or physically or gotten your heart broken as it happens to many guys who get their regular oral. You have been so lucky to meet a woman 35 years ago ( which hopefully by the time of your death will be 70 years before or more ... ) whom you have built a good family with, whom you still love, whom you still can and want to have sex with ( have you got an idea of how many marriages in time become platonic rooommate situations ?).
I think that under this light , having to die without BJs sounds a more bearable destiny....
Said that, if you have this ( very normal and natural ) desire, I don't get why all the tiptoeing and subtly hinting and pussyfooting. Heck she is your WIFe, and you have been knowing her for the last 35 years, I'd say you could attemp being open and sincere. If you can't talk about sex with your wife, whom can you talk about it with ?! Tell her what you want to happen, and why, exactly how you told us. Tell her that it would happen slowly, gradually and respectfully , tell her that if she feels she can't handle it or she hates it she can stop any time and you won't be mad. Reassure her, encourage her. It is quite possible that in front of an explicit request she decides to try and make you happy. But if she does not want at any cost.... respect that, and be sure that yes there are women who just won't give oral because it's simply not their thing. Sane as there are MEN who won't give oral for the same reason. Or same for any kind of intimate act from bland to adventurous , from French kissing to orgies.
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A
female
reader, EventHorizon  +, writes (22 July 2013):
 Well that truly sucks. Have you told her, how you feel? maybe show her this question and see her reaction, if you feel that strongly about it talk to her properly and ask her why she said its a phobia. Some women are taught that sex was not something to be enjoyed or explored.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (22 July 2013):
 Hopefully you won’t die in the near future without knowing… Be that your marriage has taken on a pattern of familiarity, predictable flavour; a request like this would be a shock to her system after 32years of marriage. I wager this is something more than a phobia? Cause this snake doesn’t bite and the venom isn’t poisonous :) Yet there is that fear factor in how to perform fellatio, what she may think you expect from it; climax or sensation, and what of her (religious) belief system if any, do they conflict? Plus some people are simply not adventurous nor do they talk about sex, let alone talk about oral sex etc. Furthermore after all this time there’s that romance killer of either taking each other for granted or that her menopause may have kicked in; hence the TV is on as a distraction? For me; since you are the one more creative I would approach this situation sensually, over and over again, from time to time, not every time… Here there’s no need to bring the subject up, just be sensual and relaxed, in and out of the bedroom. Surely you both can glide your naked bodies over each other and her approach this area with a few (voluntary or requested) kisses along the way? It doesn’t have to go in her mouth today! Eventually as you guide and glide her breasts around this area, her face and hair will massage you with her touch and she may hopefully become receptive to venturing further. This process would be slow and delicate :)Take Care – CAA
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2013): "it would just be nice to find out what it feels like before I die."As a single guy your age, I can tell you that we have plenty of peers who can afford a blowjob any time they want (no matter how high the cost, financial and emotional) but will never know what it feels like to enjoy a long and happy marriage and family life surrounded by a loving wife, appreciative grown children and doted-upon grandchildren. Not saying I don't sympathize, just suggesting you look at the bigger picture. At this point very unlikely you're going to change your wife's thinking, all you can do is respect her point of view and accept her bedroom shortcomings as a trade-off for all the other good qualities that have kept you two together since you were wearing bell-bottom pants and platform shoes to the disco. I'm sure there are certain things that she would have loved you to do for her to which she has long resigned herself to doing without.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2013): Wow. This post actually made me really sad. If I was married, and in love with my husband, I would love to go down on him. Even if I don't enjoy it, making him happy would make me happy, and that would be enough. And from the other side, I would be sad if my husband wouldn't go down on me! I think oral sex can be such an expression of love--why not try? Why not enjoy giving your partner that pleasure? Maybe you could show her your post--it sounded pretty heartfelt and honest to me. Good luck, I really hope she can see where you are coming from.
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