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male
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*lownKarma
writes: We've been married for 12 years and have 2 children but have slept in separate rooms for about 5 yrs (since kid no 2)and sex is just a 3 letter word. Thru work I've met a woman of similar age, with partner but no kids, who I've fallen madly in love with. Been seeing each other for over 8 months now & we want to be with each other all the time. She says the heartache on my side would be unbearable & she'd feel so guilty, for the kids, if we both left to be together. She's close to leaving her partner & I want to join her. Advice gratefully received. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ms Mebaby +, writes (18 December 2005):
If you're going to leave your wife, do it while your kids are young. Despite what most people think, younger children adapt much better because they haven't yet had the opportunity to realize how a divorce will affect their own little lives. I have a friend who once told me that he's glad his parents did not "hang in there" for the kids, because had they not divorced, he would never have known the love and admiration that he has for his step-parents and he would never have seen his parents truly happy in the loving relationships they are now in. Both you and your wife deserve more than what you are currently receiving from one another. Best wishes to you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2005): Exactly how old are your kids? I think staying in a marriage for the sake of the kids is a bad idea--not just for the partners, but for the kids as well, because kids are influenced by their parents' relationships and often if they have seen parents in a bad relationship, they end up following the same pattern. However, if they are very young, like under five (and I'm not sure how they could be, unless you and your wife actually do have sex occasionally), it might be a good idea to tough it out until they are a little older and can understand it when you explain to them why you're splitting up.
Bottom line, it sounds like you and your wife should separate or decide to commit yourselves to your marriage--which would mean seeing a counselor and terminating your relationship with the other woman. You need to talk about this whole thing with your wife. Even if you don't sleep together, hopefully you are still two decent human beings with respect for each other, and as such you should be able to communicate honestly about your relationship, even if it's not very pleasant to do so.
Please don't put the responsibility for decision on your kids (as you seem to be doing, mentally). If you stay with your wife and are later sorry, it will be tempting but unfair to blame it on the fact that you stayed "for the children."
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A
male
reader, Calidus +, writes (18 December 2005):
Think of your kids.. I know it may be hard, but your kids are still very young and having a parent breakup could be traumatic, if i understand the only reason u and ur wife are still together is for the kids? well thats all i can think about.. and there is no chance of mending your relationship with your wife..
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2005): You need to assess how much you love both of your partners right now.If you are drawn to both your lover and your wife, you need to considermore carefully how to proceed. Marriages often go through a "cooldown"phase that is virtually platonic, but can turn back around into arenewed "romantic/passionate" style. The latter usually happens whenthe children are older and spend more time away from home. If yourmarriage is really in bad shape, i.e. if you think you would considerdivorce even WITHOUT this new relationship on the horizon, it may beworthwhile to consider divorce. "Staying together for the kids" is theworst idea of the millenium, and it does far more longterm damage thana quick, mature divorce.As for the longterm, your relationship with this new woman may betricky if you start it in secret. I don't know how far along the two ofyou have gone, but I would reccomend scaling things back until you areboth unattached, or at least have declared to your respective partnersyour intentions. This may also help clear up your perspective - youreally REALLY (both of you) need to evaluate your current relationshipsnot in terms of how much better things would be with "the other woman"but whether your marriages, on their own, are cause enough for adivorce. If you only want out because the "grass is greener" you mayend up disappointed. It is dangerously easy to idealize new partnerswhen we are displeased with our current one.You have a tough road ahead of you. Be absolutely sure it is what youneed before you start down it.
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