A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've recently got married to my husband. We are very happy, and I have never felt more secure in all my life. We agreed to wait a few years before having children, and to focus on renovating our house which we brought before Christmas. We'll on Friday, I checked my dates for my period and noticed that I was late. I was 2 weeks late, and as we had used the pill and not condoms, I knew I would need to do a test. I was honest with my husband and told him I was late. He didn't seem bothered by it and said it was probably just stress with the house and work. Which to be honest, I thought it probably was too. Anyway, we did a test and it said I was pregnant. All weekend, my husband was so distant, and refused to talk to me about my pregnancy. I decided to leave it, and talk to him about it after we had it confirmed, which it was on Monday. Again I tried to talk to him, but he just kept saying he didn't want to talk about it. This morning, I left a note out for him, telling him we need to talk because as shocked as I was, it was a lovely surprise and that I was really happy to be having his child. When I got home, he was so angry. He kept saying he didn't want a baby yet, and we had argeed to wait. He told me that it wasn't what he wanted and he needed time to come to terms with it. He didn't want to even come with me next week to have some bloods taken and told me to deal with it on my own until he decided what he wanted to do. I'm just so upset, I can't process what he has said. We have been together for 3 years, and he has always known I would like children. I have always made it clear that I'm against abortion in marriage. We have spoken about all of this long before we even got engaged. I know it was a shock, believe me I know it was. I have thought about whether he would want an abortion and honestly I don't believe the man I married would want that. I just don't get his reaction. We are financially stable, and we have enough in savings to cover my maternity leave without panic, it would be tight but all the bills would be paid. I have spent the past few days thinking it all over, and I just can't see other then shock why he would react like this. I feel like I need to talk about this pregnancy but I don't want to push him. I feel so let down, we have been married 5 months but I honestly never thought he would react like this. I really need some advice on how to deal with this situation and whether I'm being horrible for feeling let down.
View related questions:
abortion, christmas, condom, engaged, period, the pill, want a baby Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 April 2017):
 If my husband told me to deal with it on my own until he made up his mind, I would send him packing back to his parents house until he learnt how to be a man. Honestly yes maybe the baby wasn't planned but that is not your fault. Let him have his tantrum and see how it plays out, but I don't see anywhere in your post where he mentioned he wanted you to have an abortion so maybe your mind is just in over drive. How have things been since you wrote this post?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2017): What strikes me the most about your post is:
He told you to deal with it on your OWN "until HE decided what HE WANTED TO DO"?!?!?
For goodness sake, you are MARRIED, he is acting as if he is a teenage bachelor. It sounds like he isn't even sure he will stay with you if you have the baby. Which is absolutely absurd and ridiculous given the circumstances. And in the meantime while he decides, (and maybe forever) he wants you to deal with it as if you are a single woman on your OWN, basically as if you are a single parent.
I am with you, his behavior is disgusting. He may be in shock but he is showing some incredibly immature colours. You are financially stable and settled, there is absolutely no reason you shouldn't welcome a child even if it isn't at the ideal time.
What I think you need to do is try to get some support from friends and family members in the meantime for your appointments. Ignore him for now and his stupid comments.
Wait and see if he comes around- perhaps he is just in shock (still no excuse, but evidently you should try to forgive him as he will be the father of your child).
You may have to leave him though, he seems quite against the notion of having a child (in spite of his misleading comments during dating), so be prepared that you may have to do this on your own. Stay strong. You don't want an abortion so I don't think you should have one. You want to be a mother and it is the most rewarding thing that will ever happen.
Good luck, I hope he (your husband) mans up fast.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2017): I feel like the title does not go with your question. You say yourself you do not believe he would want you to have one and if he goes against this it tells you how much you knew about his character.
I can understand how upsetting it must be to be so so happy and blessed but not have your husband feel the same way. He is acting ridiculously childish. Just give him a little time to come to terms with it and go from there. He is bein unfair to you but I do understand the need to get his head around it, especially if it rains his plans. Hopefully he wakes up and realises how stupid he is acting and he learns to say goodbye to the plans he had and embrace the joys that this surprise will bring!
...............................
A
male
reader, Fionnlagh  +, writes (24 March 2017):
 Not his body, not his choice. That's the bottom line. You are his wife and friend, not his employee. I can understand his mental stress given the unexpectedness of the situation, but he really needs to understand no one is at fault, and YOU are pregnant not him. If your husband isn't prepared to be a responsible adult and husband then it is your duty to give him that experience and remind him.Often we have our sights fixed on goals and expectations that when something unexpected occurs we perceive it as an invasion on our lives, when really, that's what life is all about. Leaps of faith and acts of courage during those moments are what we're here for, and they are the most rewarding experiences we have to give ourselves. Whatever happens from here is a defining moment for the both of, but it is important you both accept it, TOGETHER. only then can you both move forward, TOGETHER. Hopefully he's man enough to acknowledge that your position and well-being NOW should take presidency over any plans you and/or he had LATER, because plans are merely thoughts, and are easy to change. Congratulations, and I hope peace and joy find you.
...............................
A
female
reader, AnonymousHelper +, writes (23 March 2017):
Okay so as it were, both you and your husband are shocked, and with due cause, but you should not allow the situation to put distance between you. Yes you agreed that having a baby was not something that you wanted until a few years, but now that you are pregnant I think it is quite unreasonable for him to to want you to have an abortion, and I don't think it is something that you should have to do, especially as you aren't keen on the idea. But maybe he needs a bit of time to get his head round things, and in a few days try to talk things out again.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2017): Okay, I've read all the other responses. Now here's mine.
I've read your post twice to get a feel of what you really want, and I conclude that you are happy to be pregnant. You have attempted to change his mind; and you're trying to get a positive reaction. All he does is ignore you, and mistreat you. This is only to pressure and manipulate you. Don't surrender to intimidation or coercion.
Stop!!! Don't try to convince him any further. Now is when you will determine the depth of his character, and how much he respects your feelings. Babies don't always appear at opportune and convenient times in our lives. Sometimes, you're lucky enough to get pregnant immediately; other times you try and try, and may not get pregnant for years. Well, it is what it is! You are pregnant. God bless you!
Under the circumstances you have described, I suggest you do not even consider an abortion. You're not a single-mom, you planned children in the future; but fate has changed your future. The timing is now. Which may be in alignment with your destiny, and not his plans. Or, suitable to his projections as outlined on his spreadsheet.
You are the one who has to live with the ultimate decision; if you only did it to please him. It's not in his body; and you are happy about it being in yours. He is behaving with insensitivity, and sounds very detached from the situation. This is not a business-agreement or a contract you're breaking. He is partially responsible for the breach of contract. He was there at conception, and supplied the sperm. He's therefore culpable.
I offer you my most sincere congratulations; and I implore you to make the decision based on how you feel. Even if he wants to keep it "businesslike." This is life, not some brokered deal. Now you may be seeing his true colors. It doesn't have to be his way, or the highway. He has the option to change his mind about being a father with no guilt. It will not undo any hard feelings or anger that may linger or surface; if you are forced into a decision by tactics that are cruel, abusive, or heartless.
He's not acting like a husband, he's acting like a betrayed or conned boyfriend!
You know that your finances are stable enough; although, not what he might consider 100% ideal. That is subjective at best. You've seen no real justification for the position he has taken on the matter.
If you're happy, consider the matter closed. He can come along, or catch-up when he grows-up! Males are not good consultants when it comes to these types of decisions. We don't have a womb or maternal instincts. We will never experience having another human being growing inside of us. In this case, you're pleased and elated about it. You may have to decide to divorce him; but gave up something you really wanted, he didn't; because it was "inconvenient."
I'd say if the woman is pleased; then it is solely her decision to keep it. She can raise it by herself, if necessary. She doesn't have to share the blessing.
If you want this baby, have it with or without his permission. You have your parents, his parents, and all of your family who may welcome the good news. You may unwillingly make the decision to terminate the pregnancy, and then what? How will you feel, if you didn't really want to? Just because he feels it is in conflict with his plans?
He could have gotten a vasectomy and later reversed it; if he is so dead-set about the "no-child" policy! Why was all the responsibility not to get pregnant placed on you?
Budgets are made to be restructured and re-planned. You can work around unforeseen events. His reasoning is quite suspect. Sometimes nature does not comply with our terms and projections; or commit to contracts. It happens when it happens. Children are a blessing. He may come around later, or he may not. Then it will be your decision who stays, or who goes. At least that's a decision equally open to either party!
Let no man make the decision what you do with your own body, or what you do with a child you have happily conceived. If you're not on the same page; then you go with your own decision. This opportunity may not come again, or for a long time; then you'll resent him and feel guilty.
This is not the kind of thing you allow someone to pressure you into. Too many things can happen to make you regret it; and once it is done, you cannot undo it. It is a decision to live with for the rest of your life. The important thing is, you want the baby. So let him catch-up with you later. He's thinking only in black and white. It may only be a shock. It's not to you, so go with those feelings.
As I said, this isn't a business deal.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2017): I strongly advice you not to abort. Believe me a new born baby brings luck and fortune and joy to the family especially if it is a girl. Whereas abortion bring bad luck and unending guilt. I agree with chigirl there is no mention of abortion by him but if he does,resist him and believe me nither of you will be sorry for having the baby. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 March 2017):
 Woman, I do not read anywhere in your post that your husband actually said he wanted you to take an abortion! So why are you saying all these things, that you do not want to take it, that you believe he wants you to take an abortion etc etc etc? He hasn't asked you to take an abortion. He didn't mention it once, as far as your post goes. All he said was that he needs to come to terms with it and decide what to do. This does not mean he wants you to take an abortion!
You need to ask him directly if he wants you to take an abortion, if you are worried that this is what he means. Because he has not said it, and you write that you have stated you are against it. So he knows this. Then why do you think he would want you to have one?
Ask him first what he means, before you jump to conclusions.
And anyway, you do not have to have an abortion if you do not want it. You are against it. It takes two to make a baby. If getting pregnant was such a terrible thougt to him, he should have used a condom/not had sex. He is a grown man, and he is married to you as well. He is fully capable of handling this. Just let the shock pass and for him to digest it. Then tell him he is an ass for trying to push all the responsibilities on you, just because he is in a state of shock. Tell him this is NOT how marriage works, he is either WITH YOU in talking about this and figuring it out TOGETHER, or ask him why he married you in the first place. This selfish act of him trying to make you deal with everything on your own is NOT going to cut it. Tell it to him straight. He needs an eye opener and get his head back in place.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2017): If a man states to you he doesn't want kids now listen. Sure it's your body and your choice but it'll be his resentment of you that will doom your marriage. You'll only end up hurting yourself in the long run if you do not take heed.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2017): Yeah most people, once married, wouldn't have such an absurdly strong reaction to an unexpected pregnancy. When you spoke before marriage about having children, was he definitely on board with it all? Perhaps he is just in shock, but shock or not, acting like a child and going silent and stroppy doesn't help anyone. It's clear you want this baby, and why on earth wouldn't you? You've got married and have a roof over your heads; so you need to ask him whether he wants to be with you and your child or not? Because you were under the impression he understood your beliefs and if he had a problem then he should have spoken about it before marriage.It is very unusual to be using both a contraceptive pill and condoms for both to fail. Perhaps in the busy-ness of moving you've forgotten to take a pill within the time frame but whatever has happened, having a child in your mid 20's is normal. It doesn't warrant a reaction to not know what to do because it's not like you're both teenagers anymore. You need to talk to him, if he refuses then I'd tell him to leave and also go to a family member of his and explain you've tried to talk about it all but he's being a dick - so they can deal with him instead because you've got more important things to worry about; such as staying stress free and calm for your baby x
...............................
A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (23 March 2017):
At this point you both need to share heart-to-heart communication. It needs to be done very soon, and in a situation that minimizes stress, anger and runaway emotions.
Do you fully understand his reluctance against having a child at this point in your marriage? What are the reasons he is opposed to our pregnancy? As money isn't necessarily a huge problem, his loss of freedom could be a big factor. Also, he may want to take time to settle into marriage and get thru that step before taking on another life change. You don't say anything about him ever having wanted kids.
My dad already had two nearly-grown daughters from a previous marriage when he married my mom. My mom told me that before they married, they didn't even talk about whether to have a family (yes...VERY strange). My dad felt he already had enough to manage and didn't want more family, but my mom got pregnant with two more kids. They turned out to be two of the best things in his life, for which he was forever thankful. You might have a similar happy-ending story, but there is also the possibility that this situation could really hurt your marriage.
You both got into this, and you both need to sit down and get a full understanding of each others feelings. You should also see a counselor...someone who is a professional and has no bias as to either side of the situation. If there is a family member your husband greatly respects, think about seeking the help of that person. However, it is always a risk whenever you bring someone from your family into this, so it must be someone who can foster peace in addition to giving perspective or advice.
As to your question about being horrible for feeling let down, we'd all feel that way.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (23 March 2017):
 Your feelings of being let down are completely understandable. If you husband, bless his cotton socks, hadn't 100% wanted a baby yet he should have either tied a knot in it or practiced abstinence.
Tell him to take his childish tantrum home to his mummy and that you don't want to see his mug until he grows up.
Remind him it takes two to make a baby and if he is going to be part of this pregnancy he needs to get onboard NOW ... if he is going to continue behaving as if you have done this all by yourself he needs to go away and let you get on with it, far better to be an involved single mother than foist a tantrum throwing of a father on an unsuspecting child.
Chin up, and congratulations!! You seem to have considered all the bases, and have them covered and I am sure you will be a wonderful mum.
...............................
|
