A
female
age
30-35,
*rueLoveWaits2016
writes:I met a guy on an online app. We are both super interested in each other just that I needed him to slow down as he was coming on way too strong. He started talking relationship stuff even before we met, which would be fine, but I don't trust a guy coming on strong and then pulling out (I have had this done to me). Anyways before I met him, I went on a couple more dates and I told the guy I would be dating around (no sex or stuff) until I got exclusive or got to know him a lot more. He is leaving for duty for a couple weeks and told me to keep my options open. Did I ruin everything? Moving that fast really freaked me out and I'm actually tired of pointless 1st dates. I really like this guy a lot. He didn't say no to seeing each other, just to slow it down. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2017): In a strange way this problem cancelled itself out because you revealed that ge is going away for a few weeks, so common sense dictates that you would have to slow down anyway!
I guess he wanted sex but he is pushing it to expect to be on a relationhip level prior to his preplanned absence!
I think you made a smart move and if he is worth much he will agree.
You have every right to slow him down particularly as he isnt going to be around for long in the short term!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2017): If he really wanted a relationship, would he lose interest so fast? You are looking for a relationship and that will translate into desperation. Be careful! You'll get played because guys will take advantage of that.
The problem with many females when we're searching for love, is getting too eager and getting your hopes up. Not wise if you're dating online. Not wise at all!
...............................
A
female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 +, writes (24 March 2017):
TrueLoveWaits2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDoes that mean that he won't want a relationship w/me anymore? I tried my best not to get excited for that very reason, but I did.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2017): Guess that's why you keep your options open. Like I said, they're hot and heavy one minute; and can pull a change of heart right in the middle of everything. Don't try to cater to guys to get them to like you. You have to be your own woman.
...............................
A
female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 +, writes (24 March 2017):
TrueLoveWaits2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNot anymore though, he got too ahead of himself. I tried to be cautious as well, but I got my hopes up as well. Now its kind of up in the air.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2017): Let him prove himself to you. If he proves to be a good match and sticks around. On your next date, disable your profiles together.
...............................
A
female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 +, writes (23 March 2017):
TrueLoveWaits2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe did meet up and I haven't disabled any of my accounts. Funny thing is he wanted to be the guy that had me take down my profile. I wish I had told him how I felt after meeting him. Right now I'm not interested in dating anyone but him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2017): Be realistic. If you're not exclusively dating, disabling your profile doesn't mean he will disable his. That's a common mistake. The assumption that another person you met online should unsubscribe; because of a good date or two, is unreasonable and presumptuous. Sometimes you don't know the real person for months; while they create a facade or clone that fits all the best attributes described in your profile.
Never forget, he's taking notes of everything you say you want. It's like a waiter taking your order in a restaurant, or a car salesman including all the options on your order for a new car. You can't pay or accept the order; until you see it all, and have the opportunity to try it out.
You simply don't respond to hits on your profile; if you feel you've found someone you'd like to date a few times, before you decide you've found a good prospective match.
You don't have to unsubscribe, you can usually disable hits and inquiries on your profile.
You might discuss it and make a mutual agreement to do so; but that still doesn't obligate anyone else to close-out their options, when they hardly know you. It takes time to know what you're feeling, who you're feeling, and why. They may still change their mind in the middle of things.
Like in real-time, you might be dating someone you've met face to face; but that other person could still be checking out other prospects at the same time. There are no guarantees in life. We take risks and we stay open-minded and optimistic.
Women think differently from men on this issue. That's where they tend to get ahead of things. Don't be surprised if his profile is still open and active; he is entitled, he hasn't made any commitment.
He might like you or your profile picture; but you may be far from what he might be looking for. People tend to place far too much on a good conversation and having a few things in-common. You have to evaluate character, temperament, temper, core values, quirks, and what they're expecting from you. You have to see how reliable they are, and how close they stay to the truth; and if they live-up to their self-description in their profile.
True chemistry is created over time and in-person. Spending real-time together gives you the opportunity to evaluate a person as a person, not a personality created for a profile. Advertisements rarely live up to reality and expectation.
That's all a profile is, an ad selling yourself. You're accepted on your honor; hoping that what you say about yourself is true. The proof is in dating and getting to know you over time.
It may be several dates down the line before you truly know each other and a real romantic-connection is established. Keep your options open until you've actually made that distinction. If he thinks you're running around, he's got trust-issues. He doesn't know you well enough to judge you one way or the other.
...............................
A
female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 +, writes (23 March 2017):
TrueLoveWaits2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really did put the brakes on because I had 2 guys, younger age just like this guy, start something serious then pull out completely. Thing is tho, he is only going to be gone for 3 weeks and then he is back for quite awhile. I just don't want him to think I'm running around w/a ton of dudes at a time. Once I get serious w/guys I stop dating and delete all my profiles.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2017): No, you were prudent and wise. The ruin would have come of acting recklessly and moving too fast. Men really take a long time to establish our feelings and emotions. If we get ahead of them, the end result is usually a complete change of heart.
As your previous experience has taught you.
He was hoping to find someone before he left. He knows he may not have the time to do a lot of dating or searching upon his deployment to duty; but he wanted to have a girl behind to write him. Soldiers get lonely, and duty doesn't always leave the time to get out swim around in the dating pool. That's not your problem, and doesn't justify being irresponsible with your heart. You know better.
Trust that he understands, and don't worry yourself if he doesn't. Set aside some time for writing and Skyping to get to know more about him, and to properly introduce yourself.
Things work-out better, and real chemistry is developed; when you pursue a romance deliberately and using common-sense. He'll respect you all the more; and you'll determine if he's worth your trouble. His true feelings will actually have time to know who they're for and why.
Take your time, sweetheart!
...............................
|
