A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I cheated on my husband with my first love, who has a girlfriend. We didn't have a long affair, we mostly emailed, texted and we were able to meet a few times. We had sex and it was incredible. Back in high school when we dated he left me because he said he needed space and to find himself. It was extremely painful for meto be dumped and he also dated other girls I must have cried a river back then. But we would keep in touch a little through the years, he was always the one who initiated contact, and called or emailed time to time. We met up a few times but nothing happened. I was always afraid to get hurt again. Then I got married and have a daughter, all these years went by. My marriage is perfect exept for sex. My husband is a terrible lover, he is done in about 5 minutes every time, for all these years I put up with it. My husband is a great father, but our relationship basically deteriorated to best friends/roomates. So when I heard from my ex again I immediately started to fantasise about him. We always used to have amazing sex, and we wanted eachother all the time, and we are very compatibe. I never thought it could actually happen, but I ended up cheating on my husband. however this affair was a dissapointment. My ex was too busy with work, stressed...he had very little time for me. I missed him so much that I didn't even want to delete his texts. My husband looked through my phone one day and read them. He is now devasted, he loves me and is trying hard to save the marriage. I felt guilty, I didn't deny anything, I told my husband the truth and answered all his questions. He found my ex's girlfriend and sent her a message. They didn't break up, but it was a mess. My ex and I have no contact, but I miss him so much Im about to cry a river for him again. How do I get over him? And my husband wants to have sex, but I can't bring myself to do it, because i know that I'll be disappointed and it will really depress me (yeah it's that bad). I don't want to divorse, I know I should focus on my marriage and stop thinking about my ex. But I just can't, I can't control myself. I miss him, I want him night and day. It's been about 3 months with no contact, and cant stop thinking about him. He doesn't want me to contact him at all. He wants to be with his girlfriend, he said he didn't want to mess up what I have with my husband. I know he's right, but I can't stop wanting to be with him. How do i move on from this? Has anyone lived through similar story ? How do you overcome these intense feelings? How can I go on in my marriage after this?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): I just came across your story, and I am not sure how far you have come since its original posting, but I will replay anyway(remember, you said straight, no BS answers):
Ask yourself this--if your ex came to you right now, and said "I left my gf. I now realize it was always destiny for it to be you and me."
What would you do?
If you would contemplate going to him, the I advise that you file for divorce and leave your husband right now. You don't deserve him and he doesn't deserve the crap you are putting him through.
You have totally emasculated him. You have hurt him in the worst possible way, yet what I read in your original post is me, me, me.
Your love, your connection, you putting everyone else's needs in front of your own---baloney.
You did this for the most selfish of all reasons--personal gratification. You through everything else to the side or just buried it from your mind for your own personal pleasure.
A female poster replied on Feb. 13th stating that if your husband had any self respect, he would divorce you. That couldn't be any more warped than your own actions. It is YOU that should have filed for divorce, if you didn't want to be in your marriage anymore.
But you didn't file. And I'll bet the bottom dollar is because you didn't want to divorce your husband, but to have "fun and romance" on the side.
Well guess what--real life isn't all fun and romance.
I know I am coming down hard on you, but this is because of (2) things---fisrt of all, you said you wanted honesty. Secondly, this is coming from a man, older than you, that may be a little old fashioned because he takes his wedding vows and morals seriously. You broke the most sacred trust that a husband and wife can have together. You can't take it back. You stated that you are happy that your husband forgives you. I guarantee he hasn't forgiven you, but loves you enough to try to save a marriage that very well may not make it.
It is YOU--you have to be the one to save your marriage. You stated that the both of you are hoping to get professional help soon--why does he need it? You are the one that has to get help first--and you should be doing the footwork, not him. You have to find out why you were able to do something as cruel(and yes--that is what it was) as you did to your husband, and to make sure you NEVER want to do it again...otherwise your marriage has no chance.
You should be doing one of two things right now---you should be filing for divorce because you need to be with your true love, or,
you should be down on your hands and knees thanking the stars above that you still have a shot(and I only mean a shot) at trying to save your marriage,and fixing some of the absolute devastation you have left behind. You have to better yourself and attempt to gain your husband's trust back.
Because I am almost certain that there is none right now.
I hope you wise up and make the right choices in the future.
Again--sorry for the harsh response, but I think that is exactly what you need right now.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for taking the time and caring and offering so much advise! I keep going back and reading over and over. I'm not gonna lie I still think about my ex, and feel bad about how things turned out. But I don't allow myself to linger on him or actually the illusion of him my mind created, I remind myself that the reality is that he used me and how much damage it caused. My husband and I are open about everything. I'm so glad that at least I didn't try to lie and cover it up, and this seems to help our healing. We are facing all the issues and we both really want it to work. Yes my husband thinks its all because of his PE, and his self confidence is at its lowest and due to all the embarrassement and anxiety its been even worse. I have no one to blame but myself for this. He promises he will see a doctor, but at this point I won't push him. Sex therapy is very uncomfortable for him right now. I put him through enough. Now I'm just trying to make him feel loved again. He is trying to please me. Its very very hard. Sex is frustrating for both of us. I feel so bad for him because he is disappointed with himself, and I feel so guilty I can't be complaining now! I actually started having anxiety too. But I told him that and we both are open, we understand eachother. We do love eachother. We will get professional help, I really hope we do it soon. I feel like we are at the point where we can focus on improvement now. We are doing better emotionally, we have been going on dates, texting eachother, missing eachother when we are apart. I am grateful that he forgives me, and still wants me. He is treating me with so much respect despite all of this. He really treats me like a princess, and his love for me is amazing. I'm grateful for our good days, and I get really annoyed with myself when my ex is on my mind. It's a long process, huh ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): Kudos on seeing thing clearer and feeling better. It normally takes a longer time to progress to your current state. Continue on searching within yourself honestly and seeking professional counseling. Give yourself time to figure out the important things you want out of life. Continue doing what you are doing and given time you are on the right track for your personal healing.Regarding your EX/FL, I'm sorry to break it to you but you were totally used, you were nothing but a sex object to him. He was too busy and stressed with work and not enough time for you? I hope you realize all he wanted and willing to offer was sex! There you were all emotionally attached, desperately missing him, while neglecting the pain your husband's suffering and and your child's well-being, did you think(or was hoping) that he actually give a damn about what you and your family are going through? His "I don't want to mess up what you have with your husband" is equivalent to "I had my fun and that's all I want, stay in your marriage and I don't want no trouble". Wake up, girl! You meant to him less than his gf, less than his career, you were merely a joyride. He took advantage of your vulnerability and he clearly didn't give a damn at any point about the consequences of his actions, that it might cost you pain, your devastated husband, your child's well-being, and most importantly, your broken marriage(they're called home wrecker for a reason). You mentioned you were afraid to be hurt again by your ex over the years, the truth now is that you are indeed hurt again by him and this time you dragged your whole family with you. He threw you under the bus the moment his gf found out. He clearly does NOT have the same lingering first love feelings as you do. He didn't linger on you when he dumped you the first time, did he? Chances are if he's capable of cheating on his gf with a married women with kids, he probably cheated on her with much easier targets that you don't know about. If you are strong enough to see this reality rather than bury your thoughts in your feelings of the past. You'll be strong enough to overcome your weaknesses and let go of the it. Stop thinking about the ex as he does not deserve your time and heartaches. The longer you linger the harder it will be for you to focus on yourself and it'll only cause more damage to your heart and your marriage.Do you still love your husband? Are you guys trying to reconcile? If not you should stop here and ignore the rest of my reply.About your husband, Does he currently seek counseling? Did he expose the affair to his or your family and friends? Do you guys actively have open communications with each other about the affair, the reconciliation of your marriage, the sex life? To be cheated on is probably the most fatal blow to a man's confidence, self-respect and self-esteem. Most man can not open up and seek help after they've been cheated on due to the embarrassment and shame. I wouldn't be surprised if he's locked it all inside and you probably can see right through him. It'll take time for you to truly clear up your mind and see the depth of the damages you and your ex had done.As for sex, you should openly express your needs to your husband, if both of you are willing to work on his PE problem there are always options for you two to have a wonderful sex life in your marriage. You mentioned you guys did it, and you weren't depressed afterwards and actually felt good about it, that's a major milestone in repairing your marriage. I'm sure he's well aware of his shortcoming and trying his best to improve, especially after he found out you cheated. It takes hard work but the payoff is worth it. I definitely recommend marital counseling and sex therapy. The fact that he actually still want to have sex with you despite all of his anger and pain means he still loves you tremendously. Also, he probably thinks of his PE problem being the cause to your cheating.It takes hard work for a normal marriage to work, and it's far more harder for a damaged marriage. I don't want to discourage you but only one third of marriages survive from infidelity. Not getting a divorce simply isn't enough, seek MC now if you still want to save your marriage.Hope it helps
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): please leave your husband since you don't want him. you can be roommates with anyone. you can be co-parents to your kid without also being married to each other. By being married you have to have sex with him and no one else. Sex is for bonding. bad sex in a marriage usually means deficiencies in other areas of the marriage too. you put up with it for long enough. Desire is not something you can force yourself to feel for someone on demand. if you just don't like who he is as a person, it's not fair to keep him trapped with you to face your contempt and disgust daily, nor is it fair to want him to overhaul himself to be who he isn't, just so he can be more desirable to you. so you should leave him so he can have a chance to find someone else who will be better for him.time may heal all wounds for getting over your ex.but time alone most definitely does not heal the wound of a dysfunctional marriage it just worsens it.your husband has zero self esteem, if, after knowing all the details of your affair, he is trying to save the marriage and wants to have sex with you. And to send your ex's girlfriend a message. Your husband, if he had any self respect, would have divorced you, not want to have sex with you. Surely this is a big turn off. you should also move on from your ex since he has clearly stated he wants to end things. let yourself wallow in the hurt you're feeling. eventually the hurt when it gets bad enough will turn to anger and hate and repulsion toward him. then you won't want him anymore. It's right to associate toxic feelings with him because this is not a relationship you want to keep for the future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are absolutely right, my ex didn't give a damn about my marriage, he was only looking out for himself when sh*t hit the fan. I'm feeling better, miss him less and seeing things clearer. Bad sex was no excuse to cheat, but it sure as hell made me vulnerable. And I really wish it didn't happen. Everyone got hurt. @ it takes 2 to have good sex though, well...YEAH! I know that! I'm the giver here, always was and I always do EVERYTHING. I just got so tiered because all my efforts were not paying off. "it takes two" is precisely my argument. Trust me, I am not the type of woman who just lays there and then complains. But.... anyway, things are different now. I put my issues aside...so last night my husband and I finally did it. It wasn't perfect, it was ok but he was very attentive. Im not depressed at all as I feared, actually feel good about it, and hopeful. I know my ex has no place in my life, I just have trouble letting go of the past. It is my weakness. I am already getting counseling for myself and I am honest about my issues and working on myself. I really do appreciate all the straight up no bs advice I can, its so helpful hearing the truth. The more the better!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): So much of what you post is utter BS.
"he said he didn't want to mess up what I have with my husband"
That's a load of crap, he didn't care about what you have with the husband.
"my husband wants to have sex, but I can't bring myself to do it, because i know that I'll be disappointed and it will really depress me (yeah it's that bad)"
It takes two people to have good sex, and frankly this excuse (that the sex is bad) is probably just that, an excuse for behavior, if it was all that bad you could have left, could have gotten counseling, could have worked on it, could have, could have, could have, and cheating was something that didn't have to happen at all.
Your husband isn't dead, so he can learn, and you should be able to teach him what you need unless you are unwilling to do that.
However, you never got over the first guy, and you need counseling in a serious way. Honestly, you've never been the wife you could have been if you haven't dealt with the past, and you clearly haven't.
Get a counselor, get real help, and figure out why you are doing this.
If the marriage is dead, end it, but don't burn the other partner at the stake while you dance around him with someone else.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): Dear cupid if you are feeling for the one who already has one girlfriend and telling you 'don't join me' and if you are behind him it is completely ruin your life. Look at the other side, your husband gave a name, love & fatherhood to your child and for such great person you are just hurting by going after someone,who don't care about you. Think before ruining your life. Good thing is, even after knowing everything about you,your husband still trying to cooperate & loving you, that is great and you are blessed don't continue to hurt him
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice, every single one is great. I know that it really shows that my ex was just using me, and clearly he cares less about me. If my husband didn't let his girlfriend know what was going on then my ex wouldn't bs as strict about the NC. He is only looking out for himself first, and seeing this helps me to keep away. The withdrawal is bad, but that is exactly how I look at it. It will get out of my system and Ill be fine. It's hard not to compare the sex, just because of the huge difference. I love my husband, just problem is physical here. We do need counseling, therapy and lots of help in the sex dept. Its not as simple as I could just teach him, we've been together for 9 years and at this point he needs medical help or something. Can't teach him to hold it. Anyway.... All these years I put my family above my own needs, and for the right reasons. It's just time to address the real issues. Thank you all again, this really helps.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): Yes. Remember your vowels.
And your consonants too.
And don't forget your adjective and adverbs, either.
Seriously though, grow up. If the sex is bad it's because YOU haven't done anything to remedy any problems. You have not seen a sex therapist, talked and trained each other. You have laboured under the delusion that sex should be perfect at all times and if you are not in tune with each other from the word go, then other person is worthless.
Its time to cut out contact with your ex completely. Nothing. No texts. No emails. No calls. Even is he sends letters, return them to sender without opening them. IOf he shows up refuse to answer the door or call the cops if he doesn't leave.
Your focus now is to build trust with your husband, the one you made a vow, a legal promise, to be faithful to, irrespective of however you feel about ANYTHING.
Get into marriage counselling and sex therapy now. While there is still a chance that your life can still be salvaged. And have no contact at all, ever, with this 'first love' in fact train your brain to associate him with pain and humiliation.
Flynn 24
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A
male
reader, Leodjoneluv +, writes (3 February 2011):
 Babe you have to grow up. You are letting your urges hurt the man and your family that loves you. If your husband is bad in the bed, teach him and tell what you like and what turns you on. Encourage him by telling him how great of a lover he is. Build up his self esteem. he will make it a challenge to be a better lover. As far as the ex, you have to get over it. You are MARRIED. Remember your vowels. You dont know what your ex is doing or who is doing it with. Dont put your self in harms way. Stay faithful and happy
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A
female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (3 February 2011):
 I know you don't want to hear this but I think that if its your ex that you love you can't be unfair to your husband and keep him in a loveless marriage.
Maybe the relationship with your ex is going no where, but also your marriage, because you are stuck in the past. I think you might need to be alone and think on yourself and learn to understand yourself and see what it is that you want out of life.
Keeping your husband is not the solution because you don't love him. If your husband can't please you in bed could it be because your mind is always somewhere else, and your comparing him to your ex. You have to understand that your husband is your husband and will never walk, act, talk, dress, or have sex like your ex because he is his own person. I don't know what else to tell you but to set yourself free from this loveless marriage, and by doing so your giving your husband an opportunity to find real happiness with someone else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): I haven't lived though this story, but I have a friend who has.
She stopped seeing the other guy and all contact. That's the only way I'm afraid. It's hard, I know.
On the positive side you realize how wrong this all is, unlike my friend. You have more of an awareness of how this affects all people involved. Good for you.
Eventually I really do believe you can have a more satisfying sexual relationship with your husband especially if you ever had this before. But comparing him to your ex is a losing battle. The first thing is to accept your husband for who is is and go from there.
On the whole your husband has far, far, far more to offer than your ex who left you, dated other girls, doesn't have the moral fiber not to cheat with you on his own girlfriend, etc. etc. etc. I know people who have gotten involved with men who cheated on their significant others. The men leave their women for other women and the once 'other' women ALWAYS get cheated on eventually. It's always a tragic story.
If you left your husband for the ex, you'd have amazing sex then he would break your heart again at some point and cheat on you. Not that you would leave your husband for your ex, but I think the reason he is so thrilling is the danger and the past rejection has a huge part of play. Also, this has to do with your own confidence too.
You will get over your ex but 1) you need time just like any other relationship - you will probably need LOTS of time but time heals everything :) 2) even a little contact is kind of a bad idea - it won't be good for your happiness in the long term - just keep thinking long-term and be as optimistic as you can about your husband!!!!
I know you can do it. No affair is worth it no matter how sexually attracted you are.
I am confident in time you will learn to enjoy sex with your husband if you make this a goal. There is lot of help out there to do this and if you both seek it, things will get better. But there is no way you can compare him to your ex. If you don't feel like having sex right now, I wouldn't force it, but there comes a time to try again and not wait for everything to be perfect.
Congratulation on cutting contact with you ex. In time you will see things clearer. Right now you just have to do what you know is right and fair to you husband. And you already know what that is. You know how much he is hurting so don't beat yourself up, just be there the best you can. Believe the best will work out with you and your husband and remember, it's going to take time to get over your ex so don't beat yourself up over missing him. Let time and work do its thing. One day you'll be happy to look back and see that you handled this the best you could and said bye to the guy from your past.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (3 February 2011):
 It was probably just a matter of time before you had an affair if your sex life is as bad as you say it is, however, it's somewhat unfortunate that you had the affair with your first love (FL). These affairs are very difficult to get over.
When you met your FL you unearthed strong feelings that were buried. We are imprinted by our first loves. The physical pull towards them is so great because it awakens sensory memories from our youth. Being close to your FL once again unleashes all sorts of "feel good" hormones. The experience is intoxicating. Almost like being high on drugs. The withdrawal is awful as well. Like going through a drug withdrawal. I imagine you feel pretty awful right now.
Your FL has told you the affair cannot continue. He has actually done you a favor. It forces you to get over him cold turkey. Now you must turn your attention to your marriage. Your husband needs to know that your needs are not being met. He needs to know what drove you into the arms of another man.
I think it would be a good idea for you to enter marriage counseling with your husband. Sex therapy would also be a good idea. If you cannot turn that aspect of your marriage around, there is only more trouble ahead. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): I would hate to say leave your marriage but if there are no children and you are young, it may be better to seperate for a while. You need space to get your head straight. It may be that with some time to think things through, you could still get back together with your husband. Keep all lines open, go for counselling etc. Trying to get over this love affair with your ex needs time. You are not going to get over it quickly because you go back a long way there is a lot of history there. If your ex is definately staying with his girlfriend then you have to call a final halt to this - no keeping in casual contact (texts etc)once this drama has subsided. He doesn't want contact now, but in a year's time you may just hear from him. The agony would just go on and on. There is no happy ending. You need closure so that you can feel the pain and then accept it is over.
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A
female
reader, laurenlouise  +, writes (3 February 2011):
 first love is always tough. what you really need to think about is your husband and daughter he must really love you too go on after all this has happened and really wants to work on your marriage why not try marriage counselling for you both they may be able to help as for the bedroom he can see a doctor who can help him so he isnt as quick and if u open up to him about how it makes you feel would be a help there are a lot of things you can try to spice up your bedroom activity.i think that you need to think about what really makes you happy and think about what you realy want. everyone goes threw rough patches but you have to be sure of what you want and need. its better to do this sooner rather than later as the longer you leave it the more painfull it will be. as for your ex seems he only wanted a quick fumble may be hard to think like that but if he sayin he wants no contact and wants his girlfriend seems he only wanted tot use you. its hard to think that way but its the truth it may be hard and painfull to forget him but would you really want too lose the life you have to end up with nothing?. take some time to think about your husband and daughter and to think about what it is from life you really want. i hope i can help you from my reply. all the best x
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