A
female
age
41-50,
*ergusonefc
writes:Dear Cupid.....I have been married for almost four years. I met a nice man about a month before the wedding, and we are great friends.... but i want there to be more. It is destroying my marriage because i cant talk to my husband about it, and it is destroying my friendship with the other man because he knows i am married. What should i do??? Leave my husband and hope for the best? Or stay miserable thinking about what could be??
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female
reader, fergusonefc +, writes (20 March 2007):
fergusonefc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your words of advice. To eddie.... As a matter of fact my husband does know about my feelings for my friend and is there trying to do his best to help me. We have a very open relationship.
I have recently booked myself in for councelling. I was thinking about marriage councelling but my husband is there for me all the time and does everything i need him to, i just can't help the way i feel for my friend. It is extremely annoying because i know that i should be feeling these things for my husband.
But anyway, thank you all for your responses.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2007): Marriage vs fling(thoughts). Who committed their lives to be with you and vowed before God, family, and friends to be there for you in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, till death do you part? I take it, it wasn't your "friend". Cheating really is for insecure people trying to find validation. Love and honor your man, keep a promise. If not, then you'll be with your "friend" your ex husband will be Really happily married and you'll be wondering I wonder how it would have been if we would have worked it out. Meanwhile w/your friend now lover, you'll be looking for another guy. and it goes round and round and round. Good luck on your not so hard choise.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (16 March 2007):
 You're making a common mistake. You're decribing this other guy as your great friend. He's not a friend. A friend is buddy, pal, someone you hang out with. This is not at all what you desire with this other man. The fact that you were not honest with yourself in the beginning has brought you to this point.
The more you realized your husband is just a normal guy, the more enticing this other dude appears. That is, of course, until you live with him for 4 years and he becomes just another guy. But, then there will be the next guy and the one after him. do you know why? It's because we're all just other guys. Relationships are foundations and agreements that build upon. It's the past, present and future. Our hopes and dreams hinge on them and they keep us alive. They must be nutured though and you're nurturing your budding romance instead of your marriage.
So, to be blunt, who cares about your friendship with the other guy. Call it what it is. It's at least an emotional affair. Is it physical too? It's many things but a friendship it's NOT. You must come to ters with that before you can fix things. What have you done to fix your marriage?
Actually, it seems you might not care about your marriage. It just occured to me....how is your husband supposed to fight for and protect his marriage when he doesn't even know he's in a battle. That's why you can't talk to him about it. In order to talk to him, you have to admit to emtional infidelity. Fess up !
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A
male
reader, charliejames  +, writes (16 March 2007):
 You can tell your husband that you want to have a divorce if you want to get together with this new man. You can tell him by a text or you can just say it to his face but you will feel more guilty if you do that!Charlie JamesGood Luck!
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (16 March 2007):
 I think the real issue here is your basic unhappiness with your marriage - if everything was 100% ok with your marriage then you wouldn't be thinking this way about your friend. I think you have two choices (a) go to marriage counselling to try to rescue your relationship or (b) leave him. But don't leave him for the 'friend'. Leave because the marriage is not working. If you leave for another guy then if it doesn't work out then you will just feel bitter about things. If you want to pursue a relationship with your friend then you should do it as a single woman when your life is less complicated - love triangles are such a mess and if you think anything of the friend then you probably wouldn't want him cited in any divorce proceedings as that would be horrible.
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A
female
reader, melschatbox  +, writes (16 March 2007):
 Tough situation....
Well, not really. It comes down to if you love your husband. I didn't hear you say you're in a bad marriage or your husband isn't fulfilling your needs. Sounds to me like you want to have "extra" on the side...and that never works. Can you see your husband with another woman? Would it hurt you? If you answered yes to either of those questions...chances are you still love your husband and you should tell your "friend" that you are going to make it work with hubby..and stop selling yourself and hubby short on your marriage.
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, nicola79 +, writes (16 March 2007):
 Does this friend of yours feel the same way you feel? I dont think its fair on your husband,to stay with him if you no longer want to.
I would talk with him and just say you are sorry but you just dont feel the same about him anymore. Also you need to be asking your friend if there is any future for the 2 of you when you leave your husband. Dont keep your husband hanging though just incase things dont work out,you need to either leave him or be with him. Its up to you flower. xxxx
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