A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am married 28yr old. Been married for two years.I’ve tried to be concise here as I have a tendancy to ramble on! I used to chat to a male friend of mine on facebook last year and what started off as just having the same taste in music chats and recommending bands to each other somehow became more. He lives 200 miles away from me so its not like we see each other much. We seemed to have a lot in common and it just got to the point that we emailed each other all the time.We seemed to get really close and we both really enjoyed chatting to each other. He said I was really easy to talk to and loved talking to me. As time went on I find myself feeling attracted to him, but didn’t know if he felt the same and was too scared to ask as he is a really nice guy, a friend in our circle of friends, frightened he wouldn’t feel the same back and obviously felt guilty for being married.Anyway, we were at a cottage with a group of friends one weekend and I just knew he liked me, you know when someone looks at you you just know? I knew. Few months later I was going to a concert he was at also with one of his friends. At the end of the night we ended up kissing. He told me within seconds that he fancied me so much, I felt so happy, I couldn’t believe he felt the same back. I spend the night with him – but no sex. It was wonderful – I know everyone who has a similar situation must write that – but I’ve never felt that close to anyone as I did to him that night. He even got a bit teary during the tender parts, it meant so much to me. I told him i wished i was single for him and he said he kind of wished that too. Had to go back home the next day. I could tell he couldn’t deal with what had happened very well, we both agreed it couldn’t happen again but we both knew it was for the best.I really struggled to get back to normal – few weeks later he met someone else and I was heartbroken. I know I can’t expect him to stay single as that is so selfish on my part and I want him to be happy but I couldn’t bear the thought that he didn’t feel like the time we spent together was special. I tried to stop contacting him as I thought it was for the best but I missed him, being a friend with him more than anything. I am a really emotional person and I just found it very difficult to stop thinking about him. I've not had many boyfriends in my adult life, so it was a really big deal for me.Months passed and I thought I was fine, I even avoided another group meet to go on holiday with husband and to try to build on our relationship (I told my husband what happened as I couldn’t deal with how bad I felt, he was so supportive which made me feel worse) Turns out the new girlfriend dumped him for someone else and he was heartbroken for a while. Through a group email we've ended up talking again, its been great, we both admitted how good it was to chat to each other again and have exchanged new band recommendations etc, but the feelings still haven't gone for me.He has been emailling me this week even though he is on holiday this week - considering he wants to be friends and has said he wants to do the right thing and does not want to cause me or my husband any trouble, it feels to me like he misses me too. I can't be sure of this, we don't flirt with each other, nothing like that, its just conversation. I did say to him that i feel he is only contacting me as he is no longer with this girl but he insisted this was not the case. I believe he meant that too.I really don't know what to think anymore. I don't want to ignore him as he is a good friend but I don't want to fall for him again only to not be able to be with him all over again. I'm frightened to ask him if he feels the same because I don't want him to think I'm crazy if he doesn't feel the same back.I do love my husband but the feelings I have for this mana re really different I know people will think I'm being stupid and its just lust but I feel like its more than that.If anyone has been in a similar situation I would love to chat to you about it or welcome your opinions.Thanks for your time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): if there is no fault with your hb, you are getting the support from him and so forth, then you are actually wasting your hb's time, money, effort.sorry to be blunt. an affair by any other name is still an affair. you spent the night with this friend for goodness sake. you crossed boundaries. you say no full sex- what was it kissing, fingering, oral, anal. well any form of sexual activity is sex. you are not a child and you know what you have done is wrong. this man discarded you and got himself another gf. so much for you being SPECIAL in his life. oh no, he thought he could get some from you, got it and moved onto someone else. now he wants you in his life, in the pretence of being your friend. this man is a predator in your marriage. even if you want mere friendship with him, he is the uninvited third party. decide who you want- your hb or this friend. release your hb to find a decent woman to be there for him. not somone who wants to run about with another man. get with the programme. i do not have to drum this in your head. you have cheated on your hb and you will do so agin. your hb trusts you . how dare you betray this trust. looks like you are looking for a good time. well, soon the sh1t will hit the fan and when you are alone, no hb and definately no lover then you have only yourself to blame. you have committed adultery and you know the consequences of it. are you prepared for the devastation you are causing. stop stealing your hbs life and end it if you want this unreliable, unstable man. easy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your response.
I feel awful about my feelings for this guy as my husband is a really caring man. i could understand if I had these feelings if he was being unkind or not loving to me but he is not.
I am currently in the middle of changing careers at the moment and failed some professional exams last year which resulted in me having time off work sick. My husband was so suportive, I can't ask him for more than he gives.
I just don't understand why rationally in my head i know that the other guy will probably never love me as much as my husband does but i still can't stop thinking about him.
Since I kissed the other man and spent the night with him (this sounds really stupid) but I feel he still has a part of me. When I sleep with my husband now it just doesn't feel the same anymore but I am frightened to say anything as I know it's wrong.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (12 October 2009):
Take a good look at your marriage. Is there something lacking? Are you feeling loved? Is your husband making an effort to make sure you know you're loved and appreciated. Usually, we develop feelings for someone else when we don't feel it in our relationship. So have a good loook at your marriage and really make an effort to get it back on track.
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