A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I really need some help. I am currently married. My wife is pregnant. About 2 months. I don't understand myself.I love her very very much. However, I can't help but feel an urge to cheat; and I don't know why! I've even registered on some web sites that facilitate having affairs. I won't leave her, but I want to try new things.She's an attractive woman, smart, successful. Our sex life is ok. I mean, it's good but with her its very routine. She will only have sex after she takes a shower. If not, she feels "too dirty."And it is always in the bedroom, with the lights "dimmed". I've asked her to keep the lights on but she feels too embarrassed. I don't know why; I tell her all the time that she is beautiful. She has put on a couple of pounds but I'd never tell her that. I myself am not perfect so I would never judge her.Sex is also 99% of the time every other day. One day yes, one day no. It's almost predictable. Where's the excitement in that? it's also always at night before bed. If we are off during the day, and I try to initiate it, her response is always, lets wait until tonight. That way I can take a shower before we do it.She's open to trying new positions, but that's about it. It has to stay in the bedroom. If I suggest in the shower, she doesn't like it. She says she can't orgasm unless she is on top. I've always fantasized about doing it in the laundry room or the kitchen, on the sofa's etc. But I don't know how to suggest it. I have tried before but she never goes for it. And then she breaks down crying saying she's not good enough for me, etc. And I tell her she is that i love her, but why won't she try anything new? Maybe that's what is leading me to want to experiment with other people?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): To be honest if she can only orgasm on top, I'd normally feel bad saying this but your such a jerk, then your obviously the sexual problem. Why would someone want to have rubish sex with you?
A
male
reader, riv +, writes (15 May 2010):
All the other posts seem to be assuming that it is best for both of you if you stay together.
I don't buy into that. Everything you say screams that this marriage was a terrible mistake. You are absolutely not suited to one another and almost certainly will not be. you got married far too young and before you had sufficient experience to make a lifelong commitment.
If she won't allow you to discuss these issues in a conversation write her a totally frank letter explaining what it is you need sexually and otherwise from the relationship. If there is no hope in achieving this then what is the best way to split up ?
Two months isn't too far gone to have an abortion: at that stage it can still be with the abortion pill rather than an operation. But you can't delay any further if she and you decide on this solution.
If it's a bad relationship now it will be even worse when / if the baby is there.
The only other option would be if she would be agreeable to you getting your sexual and other needs on the side in an open relationship ( course you have to agree to her having similar freedom ). But it doesn't sound to me like she could go down that route.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): dude, your sex life is 100 times better than what guys are getting. you are lucky to have a wife who's listening to you so much. maybe you don't deserve her and another male might treasure her better. cheating is not the answer; be faithful or divorce. be a man.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): You obviously don't know how to please your wife if she can't orgasm except by being on top. This shows me that you obviously aren't helping her along enough. To cheat, espcially on a pregnant wife, what an ass.You are just looking for someone to agree for you to cheat. All your post you are putting your wife down over and over. "She won't do this, she won't do that". Grow Up.You think a woman having sex with a man every other day is normal!? Good Lord, I'm 18 years old and have a loving boyfriend who's 19 (his peak of sexual energy) and we don't have sex every other day. Try like three times a month (at most!). As a woman, having sex every other day sounds painful after awhile.Stop looking for excuses to what you are thinking. You know its wrong. She will find out. Whoever suggested it to you is a loser also. Damn it man if you want to have sex with your wife in the living room. Just tell her how you feel!!!! We're women we understand emotions!!Honestly though you started out sounding like a confused guy, then you started sounding like a guy looking for excuses, an ass. I hope your wife is able to get away from you because at this point you are looking to cheat when your wife is having sex every other day? Good luck once the baby comes mister. Grow Up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): Yep you can just imagine how much more she will cry when she finds out about your cheating. Oh and you can kiss your so called family goodbye - a divorce, a part time dad to the newborne kid, paying maintenance/alimony, dividing your assets. I think you are a fool if you think you won't get caught or she won't get hurt.
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female
reader, Accountable  +, writes (14 May 2010):
 Carrot2000 is completely right, pay attention to her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2010): Maybe it's a woman thing or just her thing, but she loves finishing on top.
Yes, it's a woman thing. Goes with the other woman thing called the clitoris. I'm inclined to agree with the poster who said you posted looking for someone to give you the go ahead to cheat. Also agree with the one who said it's tough to imagine someone so awful as to suggest that a man cheat on his pregnant wife; IMO you are looking for people who will enable this behavior because you know how wrong it is.
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (14 May 2010):
 So you wanna cheat because your wife won't have sex in the kitchen? Okaaay.I can already tell you two are going to have problems when the baby comes. If the fact that she only cums in a certain position or does it every other day is a problem now, what are you going to do when the baby comes and she's too worn out or hormonal for sex? Are you gonna cheat?
It sounds like the two of you really have a problem communicating. Somewhere along the line, your message is coming off as criticism and she obviously has things she's uncomfortable doing but is not expressing them to you. The bottom line is that you MUST tell her what your needs are without sounding critical, and that means not dropping the issue because she starts crying. Tell her what you need clearly and lovingly. Instead of assuming she's had a wild sexual past, ask what her objections are to having sex in unconventional places; perhaps she was taught that sex is dirty or that a woman's body is dirty, hence her need to shower. Clearly, the two of you never discussed your expectations of married sex while you were engaged, so it's important that you get on the same page NOW. Stop being so passive and making everything her fault; you can't complain about what you're getting if you let her call all of the shots.
And while your telling her what you need, find out if there is something she needs you to do for her, too. You might be shocked to find that you really ain't hittin' it as good as you think you are.
And whoever this "someone" is who suggested you cheat is an asshole. I have no respect for anyone who would encourage a married man with a baby on the way to cheat on his wife and you should be smart enough to not even consider this. You need to dump this person as a friend because he/she is trying to ruin your marriage; listening to this kind of advice will have you broke, living in a studio apartment and seeing your kid a few times a month because you were a dipshit. Asking for variations in sex does not make you a bad husband, but cheating does.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010): I know how to please my wife. So to all suggesting that I don't, I do. Second, I didn't write the question. MOD did.Everytime we have sex, there's a good amount of foreplay, then we do oral for a while, up until the point where she's begging me to stop and "Put it in her already!".Then we try different positions but always going back to her on top. Maybe it's a woman thing or just her thing, but she loves finishing on top. She says that's the only way she can, I honestly remember once having her orgasim with me on top. But other than that, I don't know. But that's only because we are going back to the root of the problem that she doesn't want to try new things.Maybe she's scared, or just plain doesn't like it but does that mean I'm stuck to conventional bedroom sex for the rest of my life?When I try to bring it up she cries, and I feel so guilty for even telling her. Like I'm being a bad husband for making her feel bad by telling her what I feel.Someone suggested cheating as a way to let out all my sexual frustrations and as long as she never knows it won't hurt her.It sounds so bad, and i feel like a jerk for even considering it, but I don't know what else to do. I just don't like the routine of it. Every other day, like clockwork. And in the bedroom.I guess what I can try is suggesting starting off on other places and working our way into the bedroom, but it almost takes me begging her to get her to start anywhere else than the bedroom.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010): She cries when you try to discuss making some changes to your sex life...so in what universe do you think she won't cry when (and it is likely she will) she finds out you're cheating on her?If she can only orgasm on top then chances are she can only reach orgasm via the clitoris. I don't know how many women you've been with, but this is true for MANY, if not most, women. If the other suggestions you've made don't involve clitoral stimulation then she probably believes she won't get anything out of them since she knows she won't have an orgasm. I'm not saying you can only have sex in positions that directly lead to her orgasm, but maybe if you find some others that do she will realize that she can enjoy sex in other positions.Finally, she is pregnant. She might feel unattractive/unsexy, or not be in control of her emotions. Now is not the time for you to add stress to her mind, whether it's because she has to worry that you don't enjoy sex with her, or worse, because she suspects you are cheating on her.
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female
reader, Accountable +, writes (13 May 2010):
Hi, thanks for the response. Trust me, cheating on her will hurt her far more than a conversation will. I don't see how you don't get that.
Stop trying to guess what her sexual past might be, and what her views on sex are. If you're married to her, you should be able to communicate with her. Have the conversation, be completely honest, and ask her to be completely honest with you. If she freaks out, let her, but make it very clear the conversation isnt going to end until you have come to a solution.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 May 2010):
 Suppose you cheat. Suppose you get caught. I know you are thinking you'd be clever about it, and you'd never get caught,but the risk is there, and most cheaters do get found out.
Suppose your wife has a problem with your cheating, and suppose she dumps you, files for divorce and removes herself and your unborn baby to same remote location from where she'll be happily getting your alimony payments for the rest of your life.
Do you still feel so strongy the urge to spice up your sex life ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010): i am reserving harsh comments right now but just want to add; you do not want to leave her but want to have sex with someone else to experience something different? to add to everything the person you CLAIM to love is pregnant with your baby.......i am reserving the right not to make harsh comments............
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010): Your poor wife , she deserves sooo much better. How would you like to be the one carrying a child whilst she spent her time registering on dating sites and dreaming of sex with other men. I only hope she finds out the type of man (and I use that word lightly) she is married to.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010): I don't know what you want people to tell you. "Should I cheat?" is a yes or no question, and so far you've shot down everyone who has told you no and suggested alternatives to it. It sounds like what you're looking for is someone to say, "yeah dude, no other option but cheating."
Man up. This situation is a lot bigger than you now and cheating WILL cause more problems than it fixes.
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female
reader, logarixe +, writes (13 May 2010):
 If your marriage means anything to you at all, you should never even dream of cheating on your wife. That is all.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2010): See that's just it. She gets off first every time. And I'm fine with that but she would never go for something like that, Q. It would be too crazy for her. That's my issue.
The problem is NOT that she isn't getting off. It's that, that's about all she's getting.
I get off too, but just wish there were some more craziness too it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2010): Accountable,
You're pretty much right. Once she starts crying the conversation is over because I don't want to hurt her feelings by telling her what I want/need. Because I know she doesn't want that? She's 3 years older than me. I'm thinking maybe she already experienced all the crazy sex with ex boyfriends maybe and now just wants normal safe sex?
Shoud I just sit her down, and tell her what I fantasize about? And that I would love it if there were a spontaneous side to our sex life?
I've tried but she just freaks out on me...
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female
reader, Accountable +, writes (12 May 2010):
Or, y'know, what Q said.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (12 May 2010):
 Thanks Q, I was really trying to figure out where to go with this one. Taking turns is obviously one of the things they should do.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2010): You shouldn't cheat. Especially when you know you love her and want to be with her. She's pregnant that could have something to do with any recent sex drive changes... And you should talk to her about what you want. Don't go out and get it from someone else, it isn't worth it.
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A
female
reader, Accountable +, writes (12 May 2010):
I feel like it shouldnt have to be explained why cheating in this situation is a terrible idea...
Your wife is clearly still uncomfortable with herself and sex on some level - needing the lights dimmed and a specific routine is evidence for this. I assume every time you try to talk about it with her, and the tears start, that is about as far as the conversation goes? Presumeably because you don't want to hurt her feelings by telling her you're finding married sex life boring. You say you tell her she is enough for you sexually, and yet are considering cheating so obviously she isnt; lying to her isnt helping. I imagine if she found out you had joined various sites to find a fuckbuddy, the emotional betrayal would destroy her.
Before you go behind her back and start an affair (with very real potential to destroy your marriage), I would strongly suggest having a real and honest conversation with your wife about all this. Everything. I do understand where youre coming from - sex should be fulfilling for both people in a relationship. But I think you need to accept that it may take time for your wife to become comfortable with changes - start small and work your way up. It will take time, but at the end of the day, when you got married I assume you made a promise to stay faithful to her, and you owe it to her to be honest and try to make it work before you go running into some other womans arms.
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2010): Ok, let me tell you straight up, it is your responsibility to make sure she knows you're not satisfied. And you do that by telling her, not having affairs. If she has sex issues, you can get counselling for that. She might feel safe in a routine and breaking out of that routine might scare her, so try small steps. Maybe in the bedroom, but not necessarily on the bed? Please don't cheat, though. If nothing else, she's carrying your baby! Cheating would turn you from an unsatisfied guy into a total jerk. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2010): She is pregnant!!!! Cater for HER!! You'll jut have to accept the way sex is with her I guess.
If you cheat you'll break her confidence completely, don't do that to her
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