A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello,My husband and I have been married for almost 25 years. We have 5 children. Our oldest past away when he was 6, we have a daughter 21, son 11, daughter 8, and son 6. I am just really confused here. I work, one year ago he changed jobs so he is home like a normal father should be. I am OCD about things,and he used to be OCD about the yard, house, cars, everything basiclly. I cut grass, wash clothes, clean house, work 40 plus hours a week. I am not sure if we are falling apart or if he is. He has become lazy. We bought a camper so we could go to the lake and not have to set up tents. Can't get him to fix the little things. I painted, made new curtians, cushion covers. Yesterday I painted the bathroom, he has a tub surround and piping to do. He is fussing that he doesn't like the paint in the bathroom. Actually being very ugly about it. I told him it was old, ugly and outdated and ignored him. He drinks daily after work, I know he has had to adjust to being home all the time. We have had to adjust to him being home. He used to be gone 3 to 4 nights a week. I call hime when I leave work, the store or where ever I am. When he is mad he fusses because I call and in the moment of not calling I get why didn't you call. Are we growing apart, what is your opinion? He always said he would never grow old and that SEX would always be great. I said earlier that he drinks daily and on weekends even more. Sex is okay and great sometimes. He wants things that I am not willing to do. Annal sex, having an organism in my mouth. I think his gurth (sp?) is smaller and he doesn't stay as hard as he he used to and this is when he has been drinking and probally too much. I love him but, I don't like the changes we are going through. It is not positive changes. His co-workers has always envied our relationship and others because we have been together for almost 25 years, go out occasionally dancing, and are still in love. What can I do to get back the OCD man I love so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe 3 youngest have swine flu. The oldest has a 3rd degree burn. I had to take them all to the Dr. yesterday and the oldest to the burn center. I was trying to figure out how, I couldn't get him on the phone. So I called work and had to tell his boss what was going on. He came home to the youngest 3 while I took the oldest to the Burn Clinic. He came home from work all upset because of how he was treated because of the kids having the flu. This gave me the opportunity to talk to him. The guys he works with don't have the same type relationship with their wives. They leave for work and don't speak with their wives till they come home. Most of them are barely hanging on. He also fussed about talking through the day which is at the most 2 - 3 minutes if that oh and he hates hates the phone. He doesn't talk to co-workers or his mom and dad much on the phone. I asked him if he was wanting out, he said no; what was wrong; he didn't know; I asked if he knew that he had been acting distant and pulling away, he said yes but didn't know why. We talked about what he wanted our relationship to be like because we have always prided ourselves in what we seem to have that co-workers envy. I told him that I love him more than anything in the world but that I didn't want our relationship to be like this. I want to know that he calls me in the morning because he loves and wants to. Not that he is going to be mad in a week if we talk through the day. I told him that if he wanted it that way then that is not what I wanted and he said that is not what he wanted either. He wanted us to be like we were..Don't get me wrong getting him to communicate is horrible, Typically for us I know that he loves me, when we are watching television he gets us and comes to where I am and kisses me, doing dishes the same thing, he usually can't keep his hands off me. So when this stops I know something is wrong. We spend a lot of time camping and riding the sea-doo. We do have our quality time together, even though I would love alot more of it. I agree it has been an adjustment for him being home now.. his world used to be quiet except for what he would create (semi driver) so I completely understand that it is different. I managed to explain to him that I know he hates the phone but, it was not normal to stop talking to everyone. It is not healthy to stop communicating with everyone. This could be something that he needed to talk to the doctor about. His dad is on something OMG most everyone is on something.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009): Sometimes we can be so distracted by work work work that we forget how to relax and just be. Maybe your husband is finding the transition hard and is struggling to come to terms with a different 'identity' - which could lead to the drinking. Rather than all this work around the house that needs doing maybe you two can find a hobby to do together. You mentioned you dance - can you do something more regularly? You sound like a dedicated couple. What about cooking together? try something new each week and plan a meal invite people over. You guys need to get a balance back in your lives and the only way is to communicate with each other. Maybe its time to have a real heart to heart - get away just the two of you for a couple of days. The fact your sex life is still happening and pretty satisfying is something to really build on - after 25 years that's pretty good going! Maybe you should tell him what you want - so its not just about you performing for him. I have recently given up full time work and am studying full time to change career - its been very hard. I stay at home too much to read and do research and I feel like my social life has been turned upside down. For a while I drank wine each night to relieve the feeling of depression yet it just made it worse. The answer was to find new avenues and new interests - so only you two can make the life you want. You need to dream a little and re-invent things. It sounds like you love your man, just not the man he has become. You need to tell him out of respect for the relationship.
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A
female
reader, AlexCM  +, writes (2 September 2009):
i hate to say it but everyone and i mean everyone changes. sometimes for the better sometimes for the worse. its unlikley hes going to change back to the way he is unless he wants to. sit down with him and explain how your feeling without getting angry or upset, or maybe even write a letter, once you understand how he feels then you should know your answer as to whether your going to be able to get back to how you used to be. remember 25 years of marriage is a very long time and he should respect things that you do not feel strongly about such as anal sex, and likewise you should make exceptions for him.
hope all works out for you
xx
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