| A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes: Please let me know how do you feel about this?Married for 24 years,3 kids together..-kids ,are grown up but needy-husband totally cold,but says he loves me-we have no sex life-we fight a lot,on working too much,and lack of affection-I feel terrible in this marriage-He works all the time, does not do anything to change-Tried counseling... no result-sex stopped years ago for no known reasons.What else can I do?I tried to talk to him, write to him, but he won't changewe are miserable..Is there anything else ,what I can try ,or get out, before I get weaker?I really feel totally stuck,what do you suggest. Thanks for reading this.
View related questions:
sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): Yes, I think I;m still trying ,but it is still an option, that I have to leave.. I have no illusions of better life after this, yet there are some situations when you can;t make it,no matter how much you want it. It is like slow poison.My biggest problem is that I don't have the abilty not to focus on this.I want to learn somehow. Is there any good tips how can I not depend on him so much?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): Yes, I think I;m still trying ,but it is still an option, that I have to leave.. I have no illusions of better life after this, yet there are some situations when you can;t make it,no matter how much you want it. It is like slow poison.My biggest problem is that I don't have the abilty not to focus on this.I want to learn somehow. Is there any good tips how can I not depend on him so much?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009): I know its hard to read someone's mind, if you are not a mind reader.But ,when someone acts weird, you can't stop thinking of this question,''what goes on in his mind? He might be one of those guys who will put me in a very strange situation, with his secret one day.
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (20 April 2009):
 I'm assuming you're the Sagittarius and your husband is the Libra right?
Don't think negatively all the time or negativity is what you'll bring into your life. If you try to think more positively then positivity is what will be drawn to you. (I can go into that in more detail if you're interested.) Look forward to confirmation about your sunsigns.
~Eve~
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): Yes ,he is working at home a lot. And he has an incredible self -discipline to keep things inside.
I would be extremely relieved to know what is happening inside him.
i think something very wrong ,very damaging
WE are a Sagittarius Libra combination .
I would love any observation. I personally think , I might be cursed on a way, because I have incredible misfortune,and unbelievable coincidences.
SOMETIMES i THINK we have an omen on this love , and bad does not stop, until it separates us.
I know what I'M SAYING....
Thanks for any input...
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (20 April 2009):
Has anything happened in your husband's life to cause him trauma? Something is eating away at him and he's keeping this in, I can see it a mile off! He's either in denial, feeling very guilty about something or possibly grieving.
Has your marriage ever been a happy one or has he always been this way? What does he do for work? Does he take work home with him? Can I ask you for you and your husband's dates of birth please? If you'd prefer to email me personally here at dearcupid then please feel free to do so as I feel I can help you here.
~Eve~
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): GINA!Thanks very much.
Yes he has difficulty to get an erection, but not from medical reasons. It makes everything even more vulnerable between us. Because it feels he lost attraction.
What makes it so hard ,he says he loves me.
But I found this a really good idea, that maybe someone would come to visit here. I'm not sure how to approach him to do this with me.
It is so hard to know,if it really going to get better or time to finish.
What do you think how is it possible to keep so many thing inside,and suffer like this? Thanks
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2009): Yes, thanks very much. I did try counseling with him, but he stayed close on the session, and it was no resulting anything good.
It is very sad,as I do love him,and wanted to stay with him to grow old together.
I think he is not bad, but unintentionally hurting me.
I think ,he is suffering himself, but can't change. What do you think, is there any hope ,that something will turn around,and he will start opening up for change? I wish ,if I could just get over with it sometimes, as it seems so long and painful. It is a real love trap. But honestly ,I don't know anymore if I just say I love him,or I just too scared to admit, its dead end. I not going to finish this too quick, I know that.
...............................
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (19 April 2009):
 If I hadn't see the words TRIED counselling and have tried to talk, write to him, I would have suggested all of them.
However, if he is as closed to everything as you say then there is something else that is underlying here.
Do you think there are problems with him sexually, i.e. can you remember any bad experiences just prior to the sex stopping. Impotence problems maybe? This could explain the lack of sex. However, as a man he is possibly unwilling to admit to any issues he has. He may have then transferred the blame onto you in his own mind. She didn't arouse me enough etc, etc. Just one possible explanation, I realise I am stabbing in the dark as I don't know the facts but just a possibility that I am throwing into the mixing bowl so to speak.
You say your kids are grown up but NEEDY, how old are they are how NEEDY are they. Do they constantly come to you both for financial support or NEEDY in other ways?
You say there are arguments about constantly working, who is that relating to i.e. him or you?
Does the working thing relate to sustaining financial burdens you have jointly or support for the kids?
It sounds to me like your kids are probably all too aware of the problems in your marriage, have you ever sat down and talked to any of them about how they view your marriage, just a thought really. Have they all left home?
Fighting with a partner/husband is extremely draining and it is hard to find energy for anything else. There is only so long any human being can take this and yes it does come down to blame on both sides and if this was not established during counselling or the counselling was cut short then there are no hard and fast facts on where the blame lies.
Why did you go to counselling in the first place, had there been any trust issues that needed to be addressed, i.e. any affairs or anything or was it you pushing for it and him reluctantly coming along as you felt it was what was needed? Did anything come out of the counselling sessions from the counsellor?
I have to say a big part of me agrees with satindesire as it seems like you have tried everything and there is still no change in your marriage.
An unwillingness to change or improve a relationship indicates that the love has gone or dwindled and perhaps by him doing nothing means that the ball is then left strongly in your court to make the final decision regarding divorce. I think there are a certain amount of men who don't want the blame factor for instigating divorce proceedings and if you are the one to do it they can then say oh no it wasn't me it was the ex wife who forced this divorce onto me. Petty I know but women sometimes have more gumption than the man as they will continue to jog along oblivious with the arguments until it comes to the point when the final nail is hit firmly into the coffin (so to speak).
Go and talk to CAB/Solicitor they may suggest some sort of mediation service to avoid a messy divorce but I think you need to try and talk to your kids first of all just to get their input into this, I am not saying you need their permission, far from it but at least they know what to expect and it is not so much of a shock.
I would also go for one more shot of trying to communicate with your husband and ask him outright, do you want a divorce, do you want to be with someone else? See what reaction you get, you may find that he has just been waiting for you to suggest it and maybe the floodgates of emotions could be opened at long last. I am not saying it is a solving solution but at least you may get to a sense of what he wants from you.
Wish you well and keep us posted eh! It may get ugly but at least if you talk to him first then maybe you can try and stay amicable at least for your kids sake. Worth a shot. I don't think either one of you would want them to chose sides.
BFN
Country Woman
...............................
|
