A
female
age
41-50,
*issa
writes:I met my husband Jack about 15 years ago, he was my first love and first relationship, I loved him for years, but he could not take a decision about us, being afraid of comitment and financial pressure. we were young by then, early or mid 20s. I broke up several times with him becoz of these problems, and I dated a guy for 3 months and I moved on, but Jack would always constantly call me. I broke up with my boyfriend then who disappointed me by cheating, and Jack proposed finally. You see, Jack is a great guy, except that sex wasn't great, and I thought since I invested so much in this relationship I should get married to him. I loved him but not in love with him. So we got engaged. He travelled away for work. after few months, same issue with Jack, in love with me but again hesitation about wedding date and askin me to wait.. He doesn't take decisions. During this time I met Sam, he was 8 years younger than me, we clicked immediately, and I thought I deserved to have some fun before commiting, and I did not feel guilty about cheating on Jack who was away, Jack who annoyed me with his fears of commitment and hesitations. Sam and I were inseparable, we were very happy, but I thought it was like a long bachelor party, he wasnt suitable for a long term relationship, he was young without money or good education, but he was witty emotional and made me laugh a lot and i enjoyed his company and our hang outs whether with friends or alone, he knew how to have fun and I felt alive. I had to make a decision about Jack. I went to visit him he was overseas working, but I accepted and I agreed on a wedding date with Jack. I returned home I got ready to leave and move with Jack overseas. And that is what happened. I left Sam in tears, Sam who proposed but we both knew it was impossible becoz of age differnce and not ready for such a step. Who would know that this realtionship would last forever.. Indeed, I travelled overseas got married and had a child, and kept my friendship with Sam, but the distance made our hearts grow fonder. I returned home with a great job offer, but Jack wasn't ready yet to move back home with me since he didnt have a good offer here. And again, I spent my time with Sam who was a great support in my life, until he had a job offer out of state, and he had to move. I was left alone. Sam is working in another state, 3 hours by plane. And my husband was overseas. Until a short while ago, Jack had an offer here, he moved back with me. and we are raising the family. But my heart is with Sam, who calls me everyday, for 4 years in a long distance relationship, offering me support and emotional stability, that i didnt get from Jack, until one day he dated a girl, a good one, she was sweet and nice, but I couldnt handle it, that was 3 years ago, and we broke up. But Sam broke up with her and got back to me. When Sam comes to visit his parents here, I see him nonstop, I leave the world for him and I treat him like a king. last month, Sam came again to visit. this time with his new girlfreind, of just 2 month.. we spoke already that he should move on one day and get married but he insisted that while doin so, we would never leave each other, we will be soulmates forver and its not complicated since we live miles apart. But now, It is the first time in my life I feel im not his priority, and I just broke up with him. I cannot imagine my life without him, when confronted with many decisions, when Im sad when im stressed out, it is sam who listens, although I tried hard to make my relationship work with Jack, but we never seem to connect on a deep level..he doesnt know how to make me happy, he is not as sensitive as me, he doesnt really get me as I would like him to, as I am always there for him whenever he needs me, be it financially, professionally socially emotionally phisically etc.. Now this is my secret.. Sam is here with another woman who seems to have a grip on him, and he seems to enjoy her company. she is strong and controlling. I am extremely sad, I broke up with him and changed my number telling him I could not wait for his call forever and not go out with him, I felt his efforts are less than before, and not matching my efforts. and I told him I dont wana be selfish and I love him and i want his happiness maybe its better if we end it. Indeed I ended it, wished him luck and changed my cell nmber. I am waiting, maybe for a miracle. I dunno what I'm waiting for. I want him to come after me, to tell me he loves me and to leave her. i want him to be with a good girl, with low maintenance, not with this one who is separated but not yet divorced.I am being very frank with myself and I'm expressing my wishes and my fears honestly without twisting realities. I am also ridiculously romantic and love drama and eternal love. Why am i like that? Why can't I be fair to Jack and never betray him? Why can't I be happy with Jack and accept my destiny? What shall I do to be happy?P.S: I take care of my daughter perfectly I adore her and I never argue while her dad is present. Please give me your opinion whether I should win back Sam or not, and what can i do to improve my life and be happy again?Thank youNissa
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broke up, divorce, engaged, long distance, money, move on, soulmate, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): nissa, you have been a dangerous game,playing 2 men all the time. this will blow up in your face. you have constantly displayed selfish behaviour and you have taken, taken ,taken from both sama and jack. what do you expect from sam, he is younger. got another oman in his life. she is still married, not yet divorced - a pattern emerges here. he is attracted to so called attached women. you are the perfect attached woman. sam has enjoyed his years with you but you are now so panicked that you no longer feature in his life. you can see him slipping away and there is nothing you can do to get him back. you played with these men and sadly you are going to be the biggest loser in this all. becareful you don't end up alone, when you least expect it. this will be the biggest wake up call, but it will be too late. sam is already on his way out. jack just needs to wake up and see the real manipulative you. he too will run a mile and you will be alone. your affair, you stealing your hb's resources while being with sam, your days are numbered. i believe jack deserves better and he will actually find better once you release him. this AFFAIR you have been engaging with , is not a love affair, as you portray it, it is an ILLICIT affair with deceit and harm and betrayal. and with all that you have sowed you can only expect the same reaping.
A
female
reader, nissa +, writes (29 August 2009):
nissa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again, Thank you all, although I need to hear more replies please.. I know what you all said is true. Just to clarify one thing, Sam proposed just once jokingly, when he was 20 yrs old, and we both knew it wasn't serious, and I frankly thought it was just a fling and it will pass. but when I got married and knew I wasn't happy, I suggested to Sam that I was gona tell Jack and reunite with Sam. But Sam had an issue with my age and he told me not to do it. He always thought our age difference is a big problem when we get older and I never was able to convince him otherwise. Yes I think I am selfish, yes I think I want the best of both worlds, that is true. Now after more thoughts, I think my relaionship with jack wasn't the healthiest. Over years I felt insecure with him, before marriage, I tried to move on by dating, and I told him I am dating this guy, but he kept on being around. I guess somehow I got used to him being in the relationship, like he has always been, and I could pursue someone else. Sometimes I think about all the hurt and rejection I felt in the beginning, I couldnt forgive him easily, I know hes a great guy, but his hesitations over and over ruined my life.. I donno if I can leave him. I can tell him the truth. if you think that he should know now, even though no more Sam? But I think I will be devastated for my daughter who adores him and wants to see him daily.. I try not to fight, I communicate a lot with him, I ask him verbally my emotional needs, always. without much success.Thx again
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A
male
reader, Perspicacious  +, writes (29 August 2009):
You say you "love drama and eternal love" and your post reads like one of those novels where the aristocratic girl falls for the stable boy, but in the end rejects him to marry to rich lords son and they all end up miserable and unhappy.Life isn't a story though - it's full of real people, with real emotions.You have created a complicated situation because Sam "wasnt suitable for a long term relationship, he was young without money or good education", and yet you didn't love your husband more - you thought you could have the best of both worlds.However, what is done can't be changed now, and the question is what do you do next?Firstly, you need to decide if you love your husband and if you want to spend the rest of your life with him? If so, then you need to commit to doing so, and start working to be happy together. No more Sam, no more messing about, no more emails, telephone calls etc. Let Sam get on with his life, and you get on with yours.If not, then you owe it to your husband to tell him the truth and let him rebuild his life without you.If you decide to leave your husband you then have a second decision to make. Do you love Sam, and do you want to be with him? If so, then tell him. He may or may not feel the same way and there is only one way to find out. If he does then you get together, if he doesn't then again you need to leave him alone to get on with his life without you.It could be that you decide to end your marriage and are then rejected by Sam. At least then you would have been honest with everyone and are in a position to rebuild your life and in time meet someone new you are happy with.Continuing with the current situation will just create more unhappiness for everyone concerned - you, your husband, Sam and his new partner. On the other hand, resolving it all may lead to heartbreak in the short term but gives everyone involved a chance to find happiness once the dust has settled.Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Ifyoudontmind +, writes (29 August 2009):
wow, that is quite the mess youve got there.Ok youre at an emotional conflict, being that you are married but your not exclusive, you are CHEATING keep that in mind. YOU ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR.Now that being said, Sam is a great guy but you cant commit to him. Jack is a great guy, but you cant be with him because of your lack of emotional bonding. You can not be with either, neither one is the right choice, Sam is the thrill of chase and jack is the thrill of stability. Your not fair to either one, you cannot share love. Dont betray both of them any longer.-iydm
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A
male
reader, bouncer  +, writes (29 August 2009):
Grow up and dont be so SELFISH . If you dont love your husband then do the decent thing and leave him dont just USE him.
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