A
female
age
51-59,
*CO
writes:I Have been in a relationship for 5 years. We are total opposites. I am outgoing social butterfly he is a hermit. I love being the center of attention, talk non stop and love to laugh. He hates crowds, very quiet, and has few friends. Before him, I use to go out with friends to socialize. I was tired of bar scene and really wanted to find someone I could settle down with, trust, Etc...and I found all of that in him and more. He is gentle, sweet, and LOYAL. However, he asked me to marry him and FEAR crept in.I have my own house as well as he has his own house.I Have a son who is teenager. He has no children. I have been able to postpone any set wedding date and things have been great. He loves me very much but I am starting to feel suffocated. I recently ran into an old crush from 15 years ago, and as we teased each other and laughed about how young we were and what had happened between us. He makes me feel alive again. We have the same sense of humor and laugh constantly...NOW, I am so addicted to his calls I I find myself dying to see his name on my email, phone, whatever. We have great conversations and I really enjoy the way he makes me feel.HOWEVER, now I am really confused? ALthough I know that 15-20 years have past and I really don't know this friend I am addicted to his attention and want to see him. I AM ENGAGED though and I am starting to feel like I am mentally having another relationship. I have not had any contact physically with my High school crush, but I Find myself wanting more of him than I do my own fiancee. I have a history of picking the wrong guys...I think its because I love flirting and love the butterflies, smiles, compliments....as our my current relationship with my fiancee is BORING. We are so opposite it is killing me, BUT on the same token he is HONEST, Sweet, sincere, and has moral ethics beyond any man I have ever met. I trust him with my life as he would never cheat, or be with anyone else, and treats me great.Any girl would be more than lucky to have a man with such integrity. I feel like I don't deserve him as I am DYING inside.My mother says real love doesn't have the butterflies, fire and passion...that is called lust. However, I NEED that too?If I could take these two men and combine them into one...I'd have my cake and eat it too! He would be perfect.However, I cannot continue to talk to my old friend because I don't want to do anything to my fiancee that I wouldn't want done to me. I am starting to really resent my fiancee and our relationship. I am irrated and annoyed beyond belief. I don't want to end a 5 year secure solid, trusting engagement to be free to flirt? But now I am afraid now to get married. If I end the relationship of 5 yrs. I know I will miss him terribly...He is like my own family member. We are so close but not in that passionate way...more deeper friendship based on trust and love. If I lose him I may regret it. Am I addicted to lust? or is love this boring..... I'm so confused. Why can't a relationship have both? anyone understand what I am feeling. I don't know what I should do, I am terribly depressed and so confused?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): Hi I am in a similar position and have the same feelings you do and it is destroying me also.
I sometimes wonder if we have developed crushes on someone else because subconsciously we know we are not as happy as we should be and are looking for an escape.
However ending it with someone you care so much about for something so seemingly flighty feels wrong and frightening.
Whichever choice you make you will always wonder about the other unfortunately and I guess you have to take a leap and see what happens. I believe something is clearly missing but I am unsure if it is actually something missing in our relationships or something missing in our lives that leads us to reach out for more.
When you make a decision or find an answer please update because I would love an answer too.
A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (5 March 2011):
KCO -- married almost 30 years. Sparks are still there. But...ups and downs and a lot of work -- like anything else that spans a lifetime. Maybe you should sit down with your fiance and have a heart-to-heart with him. No, relationships should not be "boring" and you should not have to sacrifice who you are in order to be in a relationship. Maybe your fiance will agree to meet you half way in order to make this thing really work for you. Good luck, KCO.
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A
female
reader, KCO +, writes (4 March 2011):
KCO is verified as being by the original poster of the questionKilcardy, Danielpew and others Thanks for your advice:I understand what you're saying. Yes it feels great to make someone laugh, or smile. I love feeling appreciated and complimented, however, I have been faithful in relationships and never had problems with commitments. I know that falling in love is fun, but I feel that it's deeper than just the I want butterflies.I feel like LIFE was brought back into my soul. I guess, I'm in love with the wrong man for me? or we hit a blahhhhhhhhh stage after 5 years and NO, he isn't depressed he is just very much a homebody, hardworker, and enjoys quiet evenings 365 days and really doesn't like being around people. I'm not saying I want to be with my crush..but he woke up a part of me that I realized I missed? Maybe I do need my head examined. I just don't know if you could have both in one man? Thank you everyone for the advice I really needed it...
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A
female
reader, KCO +, writes (4 March 2011):
KCO is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice, It sometimes helps for an outsider with experience and no attachments to SEE clearly, as I am too confused and involved. I just want to say that I know you cannot base decisions on "feelings" because they change. Real love is concrete and many times a Choice, that in time establishes and grows slowly. I know that the Right thing to do is STAY PUT, because I know life is not always Butterflies and fun, and I know that what I have is great, secure and real..But; the thought of never laughing or connecting, feeling alive like I have lately..kills me inside. Is this my shortcoming to think this? ( Is anyone out there Married and still having the sparks? or is that not even real and that is why I'm so messed up?
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (4 March 2011):
It sounds as if you are in love with being in love. That's a problem for anyone considering a monogamous marriage (as ironic as that sounds). That may explain your difficulty picking guys. Not sure what you should do. I know what you shouldn't do -- don't get married. You're not ready. I'm sorry you're depressed. Maybe you should go and talk to someone about all of this. There has to be some reason why you need the attention flirting brings. It's obviously an issue because it's interfering with your otherwise healthy relationship with your fiance. Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): Why don't you put some energy into revitalizing your relationship. My wife and I just did a couples weekend and it's worked WONDERS!!! Personally, to me it sounds like he may be depressed, any chance of that?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 March 2011):
 My gut feeling is that you should not marry anyone if you have such second thoughts.
By the way, don't blame Mr. Predictable nor Mr. I-give-you-Butterflies. Maybe no one is to blame here. If Mr. Predictable just doesn't make you tick, then he just doesn't make you tick.
You need to make a decision, and I'm afraid we can't tell you what to do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): I know this feeling. I am 43 years old, married to the best woman for 10 years. I have never cheated on her, but I have these crushes on other women. The intesting part is that my crushes change over time. I interpret this as the lust your mother was talking about. I have made a choice to be in a steady relationship and do my best to ignore them, which is pretty hard. I am afraid to say that the choice is truly yours; there will always be consequences to the decision you will ultimately make and a doubt 'what if' will remain.You should do what will harm you the least.
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