A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for 6 years. During these years the last 3 have been pretty rocky. In these past 3 years we have only had sexual relations about a dozen times. I was the cause of this. I pushed him away and told him no so he quit asking. Well in May 2009 he left because he felt he couldn't take any more. I made a lot of mistakes that he had to cope with and it just became too much. I didn't clean, I didn't cook. Basically all I did was have a part time job and then come home and do nothing. So when I said in other posts that i made mistakes I did. So that is why I said I understand why he left. To be honest I don't think I would have stayed as long as he did. Well to make matters even worse about 2 months after we were separated I had an affair. I was drinking real heavily because the next morning I was going to visit an attorney so I did something extremely stupid and very hurtful. I got drunk, went home got on my comp and started talking to another guy that lived within 25 miles of me. He came over and we had sex. It lasted a whole 5 mins. I know that is irrelevant but that is how short it was. There was no foreplay or touching, kissing. He just came into my apartment took off his clothes did his business and walked out the door about as fast as he came in. This guy stated on the comp that he was 'bigger' than what my husband was. He wasn't but anyway he stated that. Well in September 2009 I came knocking on my husband's door. I was wanting him back, and I did not recall the affair. I guess it was blocked out by all the alcohol i drank. So I didn't tell him that night. So based on what he knew at that time he said we could try to work things out but he was not making any promises.About a month after I came back, he was at my apartment while I was at work. He got on my computer and found the conversation between me and the other man and he took off again. Well the first time he left I knew and understood why. This time i was clueless, because I didn't remember this affair. I truly didn't. In this conversation I had with the other guy I said some things I should not have and I really didn't mean.I stated to the other when he told me how big he was i said "Wow". Another statement was when he got home he asked me how "it" was and I said it was wonderful.I said those things and I admit I did. I guess the fact of still being angry in combination with being drunk is not a good mixture. I didn't mean those things but they were said. I told my husband that it didn't really matter and that is was the only time it happened. He has every right to be very hurt and angry because the whole time we were married I told him size didn't matter. Yet I go and do this with another man. The man did over state his size, but it still doesn't matter. The point is I shouldn't have done it in the first place. I made the biggest mistake of my life.Well despite all this he moved me back in with him but not permanently. He has done a lot of things that I don't think most men would have done. This is my first marriage and I am 28 years old. My husband as been married now 3 times and he is 41 years old. So I guess I would like your advice on a few questions.1. Should a man take a woman back after all of the mistakes she had made?2. Is this relationship worth saving or should we go our separate ways?3. If the woman comes back after an affair, and has really changed her ways. Should the man accept her back?I know things like this are hard to deal with but I know some relationships can be saved. So that is why I am asking for some advice. My husband doesn't want it to work anymore, and I do. Sorry I wrote so much but I need some advice. Both of us are going to read the responses I get.My husband has a couple of questions to.1. Should I take her back even though I feel she has changed in the way it feels during intercourse and knowing that I have to deal with it the rest of my life?2. How would you feel if you had to deal with this in your life on a daily basis?3. Forgiveness is an important issue in any relationship but do any people feel that they need to leave the relationship before they are able to forgive?
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (23 January 2010):
 This is a complex scenario with an easy solution, but it takes work from both of you.
The answers are not as clear-cut as you'd like because this requires as I said, the two of you to work on it.
So let's start with your relationship.
Obviously the sexual side of this, for the last 3 years, was a big part of driving your husband away from you. So from this perspective, he was feeling neglected and probably didn't realize it, but missed the bonding part that sex is all about. In other words, the act of sex itself is somewhat meaningless other than at a base level, if there's no emotional attachment or bond to it. He was feeling the bond to you, but was not feeling the physical affection and sexual affection that he craved and needed too.
So when you pushed him away, sexually, you were rejecting him emotionally. The size issue seems almost to be a non-issue here. Size isn't what really mattered here. What mattered was some sort of lack of sexual enjoyment on the "her" side. Obviously that may take time to figure out, and some experimentation in terms of finding ways for him to please her.
The other thing is the love angle. You two obviously have love for each other still or else you wouldn't be asking here. And this is important because its part of the process. The joint effort alone is priceless and it tells me that you are both willing to work on your marriage together.
Try starting off by looking into each other's hearts and understanding your needs individually and as a couple. Make a list, and understand how important they are. As you start discussing these issues, frankly, the emotional intimacy will return because that's part of trusting and sharing, that makes you as a couple work. Its part of your dynamic.
What is it that each of you needs that the other can provide? How can you make it easy to do this for each other and at the same time meet your needs as a couple?
As for the forgiveness, its easy to do that. Forgiveness means healing. You do that by healing each other. She hurts because she did something really wrong. She had meaningless, drunken sex with a strange man and feels sick and ashamed of it, and feels terrible for hurting her husband. He feels hurt and ashamed because it happened and he wasn't there to stop it. Both of you are terribly hurt over it for different reasons. She feels the pain because she hurt him. He feels the pain because he's suffering and it hurts her. You have to go past all of that and move on with your relationship. This other guy was gone and has stayed gone. There was no emotion in it; it was impulsive, risky, dangerous and wrong.
Both of you have to work on that.
You also have to work on improving your sexual relationship. That means trying things that are mutually satisfactory. Make the time to touch and spend time together without first having sex. That sort of sensation of caressing and learning to be phyiscally affectionate and intimate is important because it makes the arousal and satisfaction from love making pleasurable and intimate on an emotional level. It increases the bond.
You don't need to end your relationship to forgive. Forgiveness is important and in time, by using these events as a lesson to move forward you won't repeat it.
You have to work on your marriage every day, a little bit at a time, and talk to each other. Be open and frank about everything. Do not judge each other but accept what's said without condemnation. By getting rid of that, the judging and condemning, you forgive and become stronger together.
Now to answer your questions:
Her:
1. Yes
2. Yes
3. Yes
Him:
1. Yes.
2. I have done that. In my marriage once my wife was unfaithful 3 times.
3. No. You do not leave to forgive. That's a mistake. You stand your ground and work on the marriage together.
If the marriage is still not happy after everything else has failed, then at least you can divorce on an amicable basis.
Try counseling if you can afford it, maybe that will help even more.
A
male
reader, ju$t-h3lpin  +, writes (23 January 2010):
great detailed story.
the way i see it, the wife admitted that she was did the mistakes. and based on the age, i would say maybe you weren't experienced enough to know not do these mistakes, you took advantage of the relationship but know you realize that it was ruined everything. which conclude that you are willing to change, I'm not sure if you already changed or not. people don't change that fast (based on experience). but if you did change, you need to prove it and not just say it. the only way to proof it is to get back together and work on the relationship again and show him that you are changed.
1. Should a man take a woman back after all of the mistakes she had made?
we are only human, we have to make mistake, it is the only way we lean, should he take you back, that depends on how much he loves you, how much you hurt him and how much he is willing to forgive you and work with you on the next page. for me the house work is forgiving easly, but the affair, im not that open minded, i believe that sex should i stay between 2, once the relationship leads for one side to have sex with another for me it is over. but i know many people get back together after an affair and it worked fine for them.
2. Is this relationship worth saving or should we go our separate ways?
the answer is up to you. are you willing to change? or you are just saying that because you know how it feel to lose good person in your life? i broke up with my GF for 3 months after 5 years relationship, for the same reasons, (she didn't put a lot of effort in our relationship thinking that everything was okay, but she promised that she changed and she did, so everything worked fine, now we are married and next week is our 1st anniversary
3. If the woman comes back after an affair, and has really changed her ways. Should the man accept her back?
it is up to the man and how open minded he is, as i said before, affair are relationship killers for me, but in your case, you weren't together at that time, so i guess it is forgiven.
---------------
1. Should I take her back even though I feel she has changed in the way it feels during intercourse and knowing that I have to deal with it the rest of my life?
if you fee that she has changed and that change works for you, take her back. she said she regret the thing she did, and she seemed truthful for me. when i got back to my GF i wasn't sure that has changed and i didn't even see the difference quickly, but it showed the difference eventually. of course that if you still love her.
2. How would you feel if you had to deal with this in your life on a daily basis?
i did deal with it for 4 out 5 years, and it did suck, that why i step out. but i realize (in my case) that i wasn't clear with i wanted from her. and she took advantage of my good nature, but i jumped back just because i love her, and not because the promised that she will change. because no one change that easy after all. some people never change. so if you still love her, these things shouldn't matter.
3. Forgiveness is an important issue in any relationship but do any people feel that they need to leave the relationship before they are able to forgive?
it is how i feel. i left for 3 months and came back forgave everything. but you need to know that forgiveness is erasing the past, so you cannot bring it back again. no argument, no fight, or any new situation should include example or topics from before.
well i hope my answers are helpful. and if you guys do love each other the way you say, i don't see why not give it another chance, this way if it fail again, there is no one to blame, you did your best to save your relationship.
Good Luck, and God Bless.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 January 2010):
Responses to wife's questions.
1) Yes, if he still loves her, and if she has proved that she is willing to change and will not do it again. This also means proving it from now, meaning you need to be open about texts, emails etc. Everything must be open. you have to be totally honest. One lie, and he can end it.
2) Yes, it's worth saving. You are both here asking for help, and though your husband is leaning towards leaving, him being here means that he is't ready to end it totally yet.
3) The man CAN accept her bad. Not SHOULD. As in question 1, he will need time to come to terms with what has happened and this will take time. He will need reassurance, he will need understanding. this means when he asks a question, you need to be honest. That does not mean that he can control you, but it does mean that your secrets are now open. You want it to work? Then accept it will take time, accept he will be mad and insecure about it.
Responses to husband.
1) Yes, take her back. She hasn't changed the way it feels, she has changed how you are feeling for her during sex. That can be fixed with time and care.
2) I honestly don't know. I was cheated on once, but we weren't married and she was my first girlfriend, so it doesn't really compare. I would hope that if my wife screwed up and I still loved her, that in time I could forgive her. No one is expecting you to forgive over night, or even within a year or two. It will take time and commitment.
3) Leaving isn't the best option. If you want to forgive, you need to be there so you can see her, so you can speak to her, so you can get to know her all over again.
- This worth saving. Mr needs to face up to her and realize that yes she has screwed up big time but she is truly desperate to make it work.
- Mrs needs to be aware that husband will need understanding and care. He will not forgive over night. It will take time.
I wish you all the best.
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