A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Looking for some advice....I got married in May to my partner who I have been with for the past 5 years. Before we got married we did have some issues due to my insecurities and also what I feel to be a lack of care on his side.The last month it feels like we have been constantly arguing over my insecurities and also little things seems to turn in to bad arguments and escalate quickly. We also don't handle arguments very well as I calm down after about 30 mins and want to make up whereas he can take days.We don't sleep together and probably haven't for a year as he insists on his dogs sleeping on the bed (he had them and did this before I knew him) and I can't stand it as not a fan of getting covered in animal hair...i'm starting to wonder if we actually act like a married couple more than having signed a bit of paper.Maybe I am being nieve in thinking my life would be like a fairytale (well not a fairy tale but at least not constantly feeling my other half isnt bothered about me or arguning all the time), but I just feel really unhappy.I feel if I was to leave him I would be a disappointment to my family, especially because both my brothers are happily married and I would feel guilty after all the investment they made in our wedding, but I don't know what to do anymore :-(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2014): As someone who owns a dog (in the UK) let me tell you they are pack animals and will always want to sleep on their owners bed. However, they don't have to (mine does not) and I do wonder whether your fella is hiding behind the dogs (quite literally) to avoid intimacy with you. It strikes me as strange that a guy would prefer his dogs to a young woman in his bed. I also have experience of staying in a bad marriage because of family pressure (spoken and unspoken) to make it work, do the right thing, not let people down etc etc. I sacrificed 15 years of my life doing that and regret it very much. I also now resent my parents in particular for 'making' me stay as they now claim they had no idea it was so bad (even though I told them at the time but they did not want to listen). In the end my ex husband left me so I wasted my time trying to hang on in there. Give yourself a time frame is my advice - say 6 months. Make an effort to talk to him, make changes and if this does not work then you have tried. During that time you need to look at your finances and get some advice so that you are prepared should the worse happen. I was not ready so plan ahead but with the view that primarily you will try and make it work. The way he is behaving already would easily satisfy a divorce court.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2014): Marriages are not meant to be fairytales. They are hard work. So maybe you went in with delusions about marriage. And it did not turn out according to the expectations you placed on yourself.Replacing one marriage with another never guarantees one of them will end up being a fairytale. In the beginning, they are all magical until the magic dies down and the real work begins and reality hits. You are probably longing for the honeymoon, in love phase, which is very short lived and has worn off by the five year mark. You can still have that honeymoon phase if you work hard at it. Laugh together. Have fun. Take time for each other without the outside world interfering. Never stay for your family. But don't leave unless it is for the right reasons. Try to find out what has changed in you and your husband to cause this disappointment. What can he do or what can you do or do together to bring the magic back? Do you still love each other? If you do, then you still have a chance to be happy together.I find marriages go thru good times and bad. If you can ride the bad back to the good again, that is what it is really all about. But if the bad outweighs the good then you need to start thinking about whether you want to continue.But ask yourself is this a temporary dissatisfaction? What has brought it on? You do need to talk to your husband about it and see if you can fix it together. Give him a chance to shape up. How about a trip together or doing some activity together like dancing. Dancing is very sexy and brings couples together. Trust me. I think you are just in need of reigniting the passion and the spark. Things have become too mundane and comfortable. And as they say, familiarity breeds contempt. He is not so shiny anymore. But you can dust him off and make him shiny again. And yourself for that matter.Looks to me like you need to change your complaints into compliments. Change your attitude to more positive. Back away from arguments. Try to be calm and happy. Let things go more. When you hold on and let them fester and argue, it creates a hostile environment and damages the intimacy in a relationship. You both may need to compromise a little more.Start by going out for a nice quiet dinner with your husband. Just enjoy each other.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (9 November 2014):
I would talk to him, then ask him if he would be willing to go to marriage counselling. Relate are free in the UK and you can google them for more details. Definitely give this another try before you throw in the towel, try communicating exactly how you feel with your husband and then mention the marriage counselling. I think that would be best. Good luck x
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 November 2014):
You must never think that by staying, you will be better for it or those around you will be better for it. Nor must you compare your situation to your brothers'. If you are unhappy in your marriage and you want to end it, then you must do it for your own sake.
That said, is there any chance that this can be salvaged at all? You do seem to have a lot on your chest that you need to get out, and it may be best to sit down your with your husband, explain that there are problems and see whether he wouldn't go to counselling with you to try and work through it.
If you don't feel that you can talk to him, try writing to him. Sometimes men respond better to something they can see - a letter for exampled.
So, the first thing you need to do is think about whether you want to save this. If you do, tell your husband there are problems. If you don't believe that it can be saved, then you need to end it. Don't stay in a relationship that is making you unhappy.
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