A
male
age
51-59,
*lyingfish
writes:Hi everyone,OK - here is my question. I've been married for two years -- through the engagement, I thought about breaking things off multiple times. Now I wake up almost every morning thinking: I made a big mistake. There are several problems, but it all boils down to the feeling of getting pushed away sexually, physically, emotionally. I can only approach my wife on her terms -- she is just very controlling of herself, and can never just let herself go. I think there are trust issues here, but also control issues, plus I don't think she is happy in her own body. I love her, and we get along on other levels (we're great friends, for instance, and we have great conversations), but there is just this huge ill-defined emptiness in our relationship, and I find myself angry and unhappy and I start to withdraw, which then is when she feels safe to approach me. Anyway, any thoughts out there?Thanks so much FlyingFish Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): I am not sure what all the problems are in your marriage as you did not list them, but I think it pretty much boils down to two things.
Women need Appreciation the most from their men
Men need Respect (Validation, Admiration) from their wives the most.
The problem is that when you get into a cycle of both of you not being able or willing to give the other what you both need the most because you are withholding until you get what you need first.
How is that working for you?
You say that you can only approach your wife on her terms, when she says so and she is being controlling for doing this.
Instead of judging her and putting a label on her based on what you perceive her behavior to mean, seek first to understand her, her frame of reference and what she is going through in her life even at that moment that you need something from her.
Women are extremely able to multi-task, they pride themselves on the quality of all of their relationships, not just the one with their spouse, as a result they are tyring to take care of every one instead of taking care of themselves first.
Recognize what your wife takes care of for you, show her by telling her what you appreciate about her, acknowledge how important she is to your happy life and your own well being....and I can assure you she will open up to you more and be more receptive to sex....she wants appreciation and love first, and that is not being controlling, that is being human.
Hopefully, this will start a different cyle of appreciation, respect and love and sex all around.
Good Luck. Remember you get what you give. You achieve what you think, so think and act with positive energy around your wife....it will come back to you, I promise.
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (31 August 2009):
 You need to address this head-on with your wife. That is that she is controlling your sexual organs and she is not being freely intimate with you.
You cannot have a marriage with all of the attributes of a friendship and no sexuality, or worse yet, sexuality where she and she alone controls when you are "rewarded".
If you're a normal make, this is not the lifestyle for you. Some men prefer their women to control their sexuality and that is sort of a kink sideline. But it seems to me you are not in that kind of a relationship.
If she wants to keep and hold you as a husband, then she has to recognize that as a man, part of showing love to your wife or woman is the physical act of sex and intimacy. Its more than just a quick roll in the hay.
You need to take your time with her and she has to make herself emotionally and physically available and willing for you.
She also has to recognize her own sexuality, and how important it is for her to enjoy intimacy with you.
Unless she's willing to do that for you, then she will lose you.
Your regrets throughout the engagement and now every morning stem from the fact that she is controlling you as a sexual being and you don't want that. So you have to tell her that.
You cannot make people change in a marriage. She is who she is and you are who you are. However, you can change behaviors. She has to change the way she reacts to your sexual needs, and you may have to change your behavior towards her needs.
You can't do anything yet until you communicate all of these things to her. Now she may have an explanation for why she is acting the way she does. And maybe you ought to listen to her side too. But until the two of you discuss it, you will lament your vows every day of your marriage.
If she is unwilling to start to be more intimate with you, just tell her you will go find someone who will.
That usually starts the wakeup call.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (31 August 2009):
You owe her a chance of trying to make things work.
Tell her you want to go to counselling and then be completely honest. Even if it means telling her you've fallen out of love with her.
Give it a go and put some real serious effort into trying to save your marriage. You put on the ring so you have to give it a go.
If after a good long while things aren't fixed and don't look like they ever will be, then get to a point where she agrees that a break up is the best thing for both of you and do it on good terms.
Good Luck!! xx
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