A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:It is going to be long and complicated. I basically wanted to share.In my late twenties and married for three years I have been wanting to pursue my Ph.D. when fate took a devious turn. My parent got ill suddenly with cancer. My parents had to move in with us as they wouldnt be able to manage the complicacies of the treatment all alone. This was 15 months ago. It was a gruelling time as cancer and its treatment is very trying for both the patient and his family. Regular hospital visits, unexpected hospitalisations, biopsies, tests - everything put excessive strain on me especially that I had to quit my job and could not do anything except to witness it miserably. My partner and his family has been very supportive though my partner would occasionally chide me for being so emotional and frightened to face realities. But it is my parent and I had that emotional angle which I couldnt avoid.I had numerous health concerns in this period caused mainly by my stress which demanded a lot of medicines. I had no friends, no socialisations or going outs but rather doctors and nurses as friends. I have no account of the numerous calls I have made to the doctors. I could neither afford to stay away from home for more than a few hours nor invite anyone due to the present condition. Apart from this, my parents are bored living with us being away from their native place and friends and we have started losing temper at each other. My mother exerts a lot of pressure on me for things that she is not able to do herself. She doesn't understand the stress I am taking and annoys me all the more when I get irritated. She tries too much to correct me and blames me on things which I can't handle. And I hate it as I am trying my level best to help them by having established a good relationship with the medical care providers and they are very supportive now.There are other on going family responsbilities for which my mom is pushing me too far. I told her it is better to leave things like they are at the moment as it was dealt by my dad and that we have more serious issues to attend now.My partner has begun to feel frustrated as our sex life and baby making is suffering owing to my stress and health problems. We are losing interest. And I am feeling attracted another guy. My partner doesn't lack anything- love, money, looks, status... but my heart is slipping for a person who is authoritative, confident and nice towards me. No worries, it is just one sided and he doesn't know about it.I am longing to take a long vacation all alone even without my partner once everything is settled. Away from all this....everything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanx a lot for your sincere answer. I have a lot more to say which I will have to do later.
I feel totally stuck now not being abler to see any future. I love my husband but my sexual interests suffer. We have a lot many problems going on destroying my spirits. Also, I'm totally in love/infatuated with another guy. I seem to have no control over it. I can't exlain y I'd feel so when I am having an otherwise happy married life. Can u like two people at a time? Don't know. A mid twenty crisis? But both r from the same zodiac, coincidently.
I have no idea if he has any feelings for me and if is hiding it because I'm married. It hurts to like a person and you don't have the freedom to express i t. I don't know f all this happening because of the stress I m having.
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (9 October 2010):
 First, your heart slipping for this other guy IS a problem. Reason being, it is not longer being focused on your husband or your marriage. If you are not wishing to remain married, it's only proper you tell your husband and either take steps to rebuild your marriage, or begin the process to dissolve it.
You've had a very hard time, but I feel you are so focused on what you don't have that you aren't taken the time to appreciate what you do. I believe your focus needs to change, and that you need to bring those realities into focus. You have a lot on your plate, so it's imperative you lighten your load. For example: Can you get your PhD today? NO, then that should not be part of today's focus. Can you have a baby today? NO, so that should not be of today's focus, and with your falling for this other guy, set aside the idea of having a baby, until your marriage is balanced, and you know starting a family is what you want.
This is your home, your husband, and now your parents are your company, therefore it's your rules that must be respected. I feel there is no balance as to what to expect or how everyone treats each other. I'm sure, when growing up, your parents had certain rules of their home that you had to follow. You need to have rules in your home that company has to follow as well. They raised you, so there staying with you is not to continue doing so, and those boundaries need to be set, firm and respected.
Taking care of your parents has to be difficult, but it is today's reality. The problem is, in doing so without boundaries you are literally being thrown into emotional turmoil that could be greatly reduced by holding expectations and demanding they be respected. Taking care of them doesn't mean you have to throw away who you are or what you and your husband have been creating in your marriage.
This doesn't mean you have to be mean about it. I wasn't with my parents. I have certain rules for my home. My mom tends to bring drama wherever she goes. This is what I don't want my kids influences by or to assume such drama is acceptable, therefore when she visits, the drama remains outside my home. I also don't use foul language, so watching their language when they visit is a boundary as well. It's my home and I choose what influence to allow around my children. They respect that, and I feel are proud because part of who I am in that respect is how they raised me to be.
I know this may sound strange, but even if it means hiring a sitter for an evening, you and your husband need time alone to focus on the two of you. You're not married to bills, work, parents, etc., so you need to take time to focus on your marriage. This may mean only taking an evening once a week to go for dinner and a movie. You'd be surprised of how that one activity will cause a positive change in your marriage. I counseled a couple who were going to get divorced. They were firm in doing so. I had them take a few hours on Sat. afternoon to focus on them. It was hard putting bills, and the life they were use to aside for those few hours, but they did it, and called saying doing that every week has literally saved their marriage. The more all focus is put on what frustrates you, the more you'll draw yourself away from what's truly important.
You will get your PhD some day. Let's not allow not having it today ruin today. Every single second of every day you have a new opportunity to choose how you'll feel and who'll you'll be in that moment. If you want to not be frustrated in this second, choose not to be. If you want to love your husband for this second, choose to love him. You can do that with just about everything. Choose to love now, and to appreciate those around you. Although it has been frustrating, choose to appreciate having this second to spend with your parents. Especially if you want to remain married, choose not to let your heart slip to another. Have fund with your husband and set up nights for you two to spend together. I'd even recommend instead of dinner and a movie, every once in a while rent a motel room for an evening, order room service and have sex. You two deserve it.
I hope this helps. Take care.
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