A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Please help. I am desperate for advice. I am in a very loving, mutually satisfying relationship with my boyfriend of one year now. We both agree that each is the best thing that has ever happened to the other and have even talked of marriage someday. My problem is this. I am constantly feeling as if I do not sexually satisfy him, and I think for good reason. Although we are still in the 'honeymoon phase' of our relationship, he seems to exhibit avoidance behavior when it comes to having sex. He works late at night on his computer and usually comes to bed after I have (finally) fallen asleep. Many times I get the distinct feeling that this is on purpose to avoid sex. When we do have sex (about once to twice a week), many times he does not cum. After not having sex for several days, only to result in my not making him cum, I am left feeling horrible. I feel embarrassed, ugly and unattractive, although by general standards I am considered to be hot. In fact my boyfriend tells me all the time how hot he thinks I am. I also know he is aware of this 'problem??' as we feel awkward after such instances and he seems to want to be reassuring to me (hugs, affection, kind words...). I just don't understand. I have never been in a relationship before when my boyfriend couldn't keep his hands off of me or get enough of me. As it is my boyfriend rarely comes on to me for just the sake of having sex. Our encounters are always late at night after all else possible has been done and we are going to sleep. And many of these times involve him pleasuring me without any attempt at his own satisfaction. I know that he loves me madly, but I just don't understand. I am confused and feel hurt, embarrassed, and have am losing all sense of sexual confidence. I am looking for reasons that may explain my situation. Here is some info. He smokes, drinks daily and smokes pot. He does not exercise as a rule although he wants to do more. I know he also occasionally looks at porn, but I don't think this is at the root of it, although I am not sure of his past extent with pornography, before me, and so it is possible that there is a relationship. Could any or all of this be causing our problem? Please, advice from men would be greatly appreciated!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell so much for my theory about drinking etc... He stopped drinking about two weeks ago. No difference. Bottom line is he's just not that into me. I just don't understand. He says that I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him. He talks of marriage. I don't know. I'm tired though.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (9 February 2010):
 ah stuff, so you won't let the porn issue go, it is a problem for you... mmmmmm
Have you brought that underwear yet, have you decided to stop hiding and start celebrating the body you got? ]
Stuff, hate when people are so honest with their feelings and stuff, my answer would have worked if you weren't judging yourself against them plastic porn dollies.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think I want to add to this. I said in my original post that he "occasionally looks at porn". Well this is true, but the 'occasions' are generally when I leave town. I think this is when he 'gets caught up', so to speak, with sex. This does NOT help. On top of feeling like I am undesirable to him I have to also accept the fact the he has NO problem getting off to OTHER women via cyberspace. I feel absolutely horrible.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 February 2010):
Ahahahaha.. changing in another room is the last thing you should do, how we supposed to get him interested?
Right we are agreed, it's the pot, the smoking, the general bad life style which is making him lazy and allowing him to take you for granted.
First girl, you got to get that negative talk out of you mind. Remember it's him that's got the problem, he's the one that's broken, your still sexy, hot and ready to go. Most men would bless the ground you walk on. I want you to stop changing in another room. And I want you to become more body conscious, more aware of your womanliness, your sex appeal, remember exactly how hot you are. Get some money, and buy yourself a couple of pieces of sexy underwear, stuff that makes you look good and feel good. And change in front of him wearing this stuff. He may have become old and given up, but that's no reason for you to climb in a hole and climb into it with him.
You need to talk to him. Ask him for one day a week, that can be your special time, when you go out together, do stuff, get romantic. A space where there's no pot smoking, drinking or any of that stuff. He's forgotten what good health and sexy clean fun is like. Even better if you have money is a dirty weekend away in a hotel, but I know that's hard when money is tight. You need to explain that he's not the man you met, you don't have sex, your watching him getting lazy, shutting you out, and your getting bored of living like that. I bet he hasn't even noticed how much he's changed.
Ok, he hugs and stuff.. good, we need to get the temperature up. For that we need you to feel sexy, and we need you to show that sexy body off. Call him in to wash your back when your in the bath. When he hugs you, make a move, give him a squeeze, a nibble, shake that (sorry) fucker up. He's been so lazy, he's putting me to sleep. No more borring night sex, seduce him on the stairs, in the car.. damn, if pot is so interesting, grab his stuff, and put it over your body.
I hope you can understand what I'm saying. I need you to get more aggressive and go after that man. Don't let him force you to grow old before your time. And hell, you can tell him exactly what you intend. Tell him you miss him, tell him you miss the kissing and the steamy sex and your feeling lonely. Tell him your gonna try to tempt him and seduce him every chance you get. Stuff if he don't come, we is not doing this for him, we are doing this for you. He can make you come and show you a good time. Start having sex in the morning when he gets up and has an early erection. If this doesn't work, then the pot has to go, and then it's a case of either the drug or you.
Got nothing against a smoke, a drink or a little porn now and again, but a man first has to take good care of his woman and make sure he fully satisfies her.. Pity really, pot usually makes a guy horny, but with this guy, his stuff puts him to sleep. Make he promise to give you one day a week, start it with some quick morning sex, then a bath together, followed by breakfast and something to do together that's a little healthy and takes you out of the house and into a different environment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMiamine thank you for your response. No, I do not think it is a matter of stress whatsoever. He has no financial or work related stress. I am really starting to think it is related more with the fact that he is in his 40's and he smokes cigarettes, drinks nightly, and when he has pot, he smokes it daily. In fact, if anything I am starting to wonder if it is more related to pot. I've web searched and found hundreds of hits that connect marijuana with low sex drive and ED (erectile dysfuntion). The problem is probably further compounded by the fact the he sits for hours and hours on end at his computer. This would explain his relatively frequent inability to cum, but what of his general lack of interest? I suppose he could have anxiety over it all and just avoid the situation of having sex at all. ???? I don't know. All I know is that I am in my prime, I am in excellent shape and I get hit on all the time by men who find me more than attractive. This all has just got me so confused and feeling VERY undesirable. I have always had the utmost confidence in my sexuality and now I feel just plain ugly. I have even started to dress in another room because I am becoming self conscious about my body which I feel is turning him off.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 February 2010):
It's not the porn, your right, but the other stuff (He smokes, drinks daily and smokes pot) might be affecting his sex life. They cause desire to go down, and might be a sign of stress. Is he under stress at work or financially, that can also stop his sex drive dead.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): "He smokes, drinks daily and smokes pot. He does not exercise as a rule".
Problemo identified?
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female
reader, Sydnee +, writes (8 February 2010):
Dear AnonYou say that you are still in the honeymoon phase of your relationship. i persoanlly doubt thissexual desire is the first thing to decrease at the end of the honeymoon period and it could be just thatif nothing else has changed chances are you are in a very loving happy relationship and sex has just taken a backseat nowdont blame yourself pace always slows down in timeGood LuckSydnee x
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