A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay I’ll try not to go into this too much because it is a long story….But me and my ex have been broken up for nearly 6 weeks (we were together for 7 months). We split up cos I suspected he wasn’t over his ex of 3 years (LDR) and he finally admitted he wasn’t. (She broke it off with him by text, refused to speak to him afterwards, he has told me she treated him badly; her and her family looked down on him, she took advantage of him, she never came to visit him, always him visiting her etc). I brought up about ending things because I didn’t think he should be with someone if he wasn’t over someone else and that I still wanted to be with him but he should have some time to figure his stuff out.. He told me he didn’t want things to end but eventually agreed. I told him my main worry was that I was scared that at the minute, he would return to his ex if he ever had the chance. He told me he wouldn’t want to get back with her.(This whole admission was on new years eve of all days, right before I was going out. I had to leave early to go home because my mum rang me to tell me my ex had turned up at my house at 2am. He said he wanted to talk and wanted to try and sort things out. I could tell he was hurt but I was so angry. The whole break up talk was the next day.)1st week: I felt miserable and stupidly rang him saying I thought it was silly that we’re apart and us breaking up was a mistake because that was our only issue and he had answered my main concern (that he wouldn’t want to get back with her.) At first he told me that after their break up he would tell himself they’d back together and always thought they would, and that’s what he wanted but then he met me and that threw him a little. He said he was unsure because he still thought he might be in love with her but also thought what if he could have something more with me but was ruining it? He said he didn’t think it was a mistake and that I was right about him needing time to sort his head out. I told him I understand and didn’t expect to hear from him for a while, but he text the next day asking how I was. Then on the Friday, after 7 missed calls, he just turns up at my house (just before I am about to go out), saying he couldn’t ‘bear the thought of me finding someone else’ and that I am right for him. I assumed he wanted us to try again so h e came out with my and my friends and ended up getting really drunk. He sobered up a little and came back to mine. The next day, we went for coffee and he said he was sorry about last night, that he wants to be with me but ‘doesn’t know’, he said he doesn’t want to hurt me but he doesn’t want to lose me either. I told him maybe its best he doesn’t contact me for a while, he didn’t like the idea but eventually agreed to it. He asked if he could talk to me later so said yes cos we hadn’t really resolved anything, just went around in circles. But he just sent jokey texts about the night before and what my friend had told him about the night.Week 2: he stuck by my no contact rule until Friday night when he text asking if I was at the usual place I go to cos he’d be there for a friends birthday and he ‘didn’t want to ruin my night’. I was somewhere else so I text him that and have fun. He text back again about how he’d only embarrass me with his dancing but I never replied. 3am - he texts lots; did I want to meet him and he’ll be waiting for me. He rang me a few times, I eventually answered and he was saying this no contact was hell for him, and how he was confused and depressed and just wanted to hear from me. He was quite emotional and wanted me to stay on the phone but I was too upset. Next day, he text apologizing. I replied that I was worried about him and hope he’s feeling better, he said he doesn’t know.Week 3: again nothing until the Thursday when he text saying about his driving lessons and how he knows we havent spoken for a while but I’d normally be the first person he told and how he‘s bet me a pin the‘d pass first.. I replied back saying Id booked mine too. Then Friday - was his first gig without me there. He literally text me everything that was going on, even though I wasn’t replying. Then he asked if we could meet up the next day (sat) cos ‘need to talk about things’.Sat - met up, he asked if we could take things slow. I wasn’t sure at first but thought why not. I thought if things don’t work out, then at least I’d have gotten used to not being with him as much. I didn’t give him the answer there though, I text him later on to say that I’d like things to work out and if he thought this was the best way for us to do that then I would. He text back saying he feels the same. After I left, he had told me that he had left drinks with his workmates early to go home. (During this meeting, he was very touchy feely, trying to hold my hand, tickle me, putting his cold hands on my face, still calling me by the nickname he called me by. )Week 4: no text til weds about the football. I didn’t reply because I unsure. Then on Saturday, he texts saying he misses talking to me and about his 1st driving lesson. I just text back and we had a conversation. Then he text every day since. Week 5: On Thursday, he asked what I was doing at the weekend and that he hadn’t anything planned. He asked if I wanted to go for a drink or something, he would like that. I was going out with my friends on Friday so I text him back on Saturday. I decided to just act normal and how I used to be with him before all this happened to see of the spark was still there. |(We still joked and such when texting after the break up but I wanted to see if taking things slow and being patient with him would be worth it). We went for a few drinks and although awkward for the 1st 10 mins or so, it went back to how it was. The conversation flowed and no awkward silences, we kissed after a while, and it was just a weird fun night. We randomly decided to go the cinema at midnight and he was holding my hand and it was like we had never broken up. Neither of us made no mention of his ex and our situation.After the cinema, he asked if he could stay at mine cos he’d missed his train, and mine is nearer. I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea as we are meant to be taking things slow, but he said all the wanted to do was talk, fall asleep with me and wake up with me. We went to his, and although we had a big kissing session, nothing happened. We did just do what he said. The next morning his brother was home and his mum came round and they spoke to me like normal. I told him I should go and he kissed me goodbye at the train station and then said ‘have a good week’ which threw me a little. (Also, during drinks the night before, he antagonized over what to call me when he was telling me a story, he called me his ‘mate’. He also mentioned that he was meeting up with a friend (a girl) from school who he used to be best friends with who he hasn’t seen in 3 years, and how he thinks it might be awkward. My friends say he did this to see how I’d react - jealous. He also bought me some food and joked this is my valentine‘s day gift)He text me last saying thanks for a great night and how he hoped I got home okay, like he did when we first started seeing each other.Despite all this I’m unsure about everything, I think its because I know what we’ve had and what we could have. I don’t normally do the whole casual thing cos I don’t really agree with it, if you like someone then why hold back? But I thought I’d give it a try with him, cos of his situation and I really do want things to work out. Im just scared about his ex cos I know by doing this, I’m prolonging the hurt and possibly creating more, yet I know I’d regret it if I don’t and I’ll be thinking what if.Am I going about this the right way? Is there anything I should be doing? Any ideas of how I could get things to work to my advantage? (He’s always initiating contact with me and putting in the effort.) So as far as I know he is being genuine. But what do you think? Would you say there is any game playing involved here or am I just being a pessimist about him and this whole situation.Any help would be great, sorry I’ve gone on a bit.
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best friend, depressed, drunk, his ex, jealous, kissing, my ex, spark, split up, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks so much for the responses.
I havent heard from him all week, my friends say its probably because he seemed annoyed that I took so long to text back, so he's doing the same.
It's gone from him contacting me all last week to nothing this week. I havent bothered to text him (apart from replying to his last text), even though he asked me to.
To be honest, reading your responses and just in general, I feel much better this week. Of course Im still up and down but I feel Ive accepted that I cannot change what he is thinking and feeling and it seems he needs time to sort himself out, which is what I'll continue to do.
I just know that he'll probably contact me soon and all this will go down the drain like it usually does. Its like he knows when Im starting to feel better and thats when he decides to come back.
But all these mixed messages are slowly breaking me down and if I don't leave now, I'll end up heartbroken and defeated.
Im hoping if we are meant to be we will. But I have already said to him that maybe we were bad timing and who knows further down the line, we might cross paths once again. But as of now, Im slowly getting sick of him and all this and I dont want to end up resenting him.
He is a good guy really who's just utterly confused. I know how difficult it is to get over someone, especially someone who you have been with for that long. Im not angry at him, just frustrated at the situation and the way he's handled things after the break up. But thats down to his confusion.
Im hoping I'll stay in this frame of mind. For some reason, I just have a good feeling about it all, like its not the end, (I dont know if this is common), but at the same time, I'm trying to see this as a break up, despite the taking it slow situation.
Maybe time apart will help clear his mind and it will definately help me concentrate on other things.
sorry for the mini essay, but thanks so much again for your replies. They've helped lots....
A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316  +, writes (8 February 2010):
 You are indeed looking for signs of hope and LOVE. It's a human flaw that sometimes makes fools of us all. He may love you but not enough to give a sincere committment. He is confused. perhaps with your help. You did tell him you thought he was still in love with the other woman. Now his mind is wondering and the LOVE he professed for her has begun to most likely resurface. It doesn't mean that he doesn't want you or love you but there's the chance he may not! Love, in Love.....hmmmm, friendship love....lost love, forbidden love.......argh CONFUSING!
I would suggest at the point that you let him take the time to figure out what HE REALLY WANTS. If his final decision is you then all may end well, if however the choice is her then HE's ON THE LOOSING END. Make a stand and wait if you must but protect your heart because in many cases a lovers confusion can cause them to PLAY YOU LIKE A FIND FIDDLE! Now this isn't to say it's true but he is awful confused at this point and it's a big possibility that you may not be his choice. Why would he even consider such a woman who treated him so horribly and with such control and disrespect? BECAUSE HE BELIEVED HE LOVES HER!!!
So now you have to know that it may be you that he really loves yet you opened a can of worms(doubt) that has crawled out and is now infesting his mind. Now you have to let him sort out his feelings and Pray that he makes the best choice. However long you wait is up to you. Reflect on your feelings and be sure that HE IS WHAT YOU WANT! Don't give him too much contact and let him see how it is to miss you. This way he can think about the LOVE YOU GAVE HIM and ALL THE CRUD THAT SHE HAS PUT HIM THRU. Watch for signs that he may be just keeping you on a string until he makes up his mind. In actually he may playing ball like he's the only Catcher on the field~
It's alot to consider but as long as you can deal with this emotionally there is now harm waiting a bit. This can help you in some ways in case you would have already decided to move on to someone else. If he wants to return then it could mean heartache for you both. TREAD THE WATERS LIGHTLY AND GIVE CARE TO ALL MATTERS OF THE HEART. REMEMBER THAT GOD IS IN THE OUTFIELD WAITING AND HE KNOWS YOUR HEART AND THE HEART OF YOUR GUY. PRAY AND HE CAN GIVE YOU PEACE.
God Bless,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
...............................
A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (8 February 2010):
You are indeed looking for signs of hope and LOVE. It's a human flaw that sometimes makes fools of us all. He may love you but not enough to give a sincere committment. He is confused. perhaps with your help. You did tell him you thought he was still in love with the other woman. Now his mind is wondering and the LOVE he professed for her has begun to most likely resurface. It doesn't mean that he doesn't want you or love you but there's the chance he may not! Love, in Love.....hmmmm, friendship love....lost love, forbidden love.......argh CONFUSING!
I would suggest at the point that you let him take the time to figure out what HE REALLY WANTS. If his final decision is you then all may end well, if however the choice is her then HE's ON THE LOOSING END. Make a stand and wait if you must but protect your heart because in many cases a lovers confusion can cause them to PLAY YOU LIKE A FIND FIDDLE! Now this isn't to say it's true but he is awful confused at this point and it's a big possibility that you may not be his choice. Why would he even consider such a woman who treated him so horribly and with such control and disrespect? BECAUSE HE BELIEVED HE LOVES HER!!!
So now you have to know that it may be you that he really loves yet you opened a can of worms(doubt) that has crawled out and is now infesting his mind. Now you have to let him sort out his feelings and Pray that he makes the best choice. However long you wait is up to you. Reflect on your feelings and be sure that HE IS WHAT YOU WANT! Don't give him too much contact and let him see how it is to miss you. This way he can think about the LOVE YOU GAVE HIM and ALL THE CRUD THAT SHE HAS PUT HIM THRU. Watch for signs that he may be just keeping you on a string until he makes up his mind. In actually he may playing ball like he's the only Catcher on the field~
It's alot to consider but as long as you can deal with this emotionally there is now harm waiting a bit. This can help you in some ways in case you would have already decided to move on to someone else. If he wants to return then it could mean heartache for you both. TREAD THE WATERS LIGHTLY AND GIVE CARE TO ALL MATTERS OF THE HEART. REMEMBER THAT GOD IS IN THE OUTFIELD WAITING AND HE KNOWS YOUR HEART AND THE HEART OF YOUR GUY. PRAY AND HE CAN GIVE YOU PEACE.
God Bless,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
...............................
A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (8 February 2010):
You are indeed looking for signs of hope and LOVE. It's a human flaw that sometimes makes fools of us all. He may love you but not enough to give a sincere committment. He is confused. perhaps with your help. You did tell him you thought he was still in love with the other woman. Now his mind is wondering and the LOVE he professed for her has begun to most likely resurface. It doesn't mean that he doesn't want you or love you but there's the chance he may not! Love, in Love.....hmmmm, friendship love....lost love, forbidden love.......argh CONFUSING!
I would suggest at the point that you let him take the time to figure out what HE REALLY WANTS. If his final decision is you then all may end well, if however the choice is her then HE's ON THE LOOSING END. Make a stand and wait if you must but protect your heart because in many cases a lovers confusion can cause them to PLAY YOU LIKE A FIND FIDDLE! Now this isn't to say it's true but he is awful confused at this point and it's a big possibility that you may not be his choice. Why would he even consider such a woman who treated him so horribly and with such control and disrespect? BECAUSE HE BELIEVED HE LOVES HER!!!
So now you have to know that it may be you that he really loves yet you opened a can of worms(doubt) that has crawled out and is now infesting his mind. Now you have to let him sort out his feelings and Pray that he makes the best choice. However long you wait is up to you. Reflect on your feelings and be sure that HE IS WHAT YOU WANT! Don't give him too much contact and let him see how it is to miss you. This way he can think about the LOVE YOU GAVE HIM and ALL THE CRUD THAT SHE HAS PUT HIM THRU. Watch for signs that he may be just keeping you on a string until he makes up his mind. In actually he may playing ball like he's the only Catcher on the field~
It's alot to consider but as long as you can deal with this emotionally there is now harm waiting a bit. This can help you in some ways in case you would have already decided to move on to someone else. If he wants to return then it could mean heartache for you both. TREAD THE WATERS LIGHTLY AND GIVE CARE TO ALL MATTERS OF THE HEART. REMEMBER THAT GOD IS IN THE OUTFIELD WAITING AND HE KNOWS YOUR HEART AND THE HEART OF YOUR GUY. PRAY AND HE CAN GIVE YOU PEACE.
God Bless,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
...............................
A
female
reader, edwardilvu +, writes (8 February 2010):
I think you're doing pretty well, it's obvious that you love him and don't want to hurt him. He loves you too, and won't leave you. You need to be supportive, it's obviously difficult, but try your best, he needs you. I'd keep going with what you're doing and see how things work out, this will hopefully work, I'm not sure if there is anything you can do but wait it out and see what happens. But remember, even if they don't there will still be a happy ending for you some where.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, kaiti30 +, writes (8 February 2010):
 I think your doing what you think you should be doing, If he keeps doing it, then your not gaining anyhting. Do what you think is best, You think it'll be different, and it hasent that has to be a sign...
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