A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm am writing to get advice and opinions about my virginity and lack of relationship experience. I'm a male who has never had sex or a girlfriend. The reason for this a rather personal and complex.I have always had trouble making friends and relating to people. I have had a troubled past that involved substance abuse and depression. For years I isolated myself to prevent anymore emotional pain but I started to grow more confidant as time went on. My only insecurity as of present is my virginity. I don't think it should be an issue and I've never told any girl this (lack of opportunity) I fear if I meet a girl I like she may reject me for his. If that ever did happen it would be soul crushing and would severely damage my already fragile self esteem. I should note that I'm not interest in no string casual sex.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2016): Hi,Anon,I have a lot of friends (I'm in the gender group you're targeting) and I have honestly never heard of a girl rejecting a guy for a relationship coz he is a virgin.IF it happens it's more because we (as girls) are only human,so we do worry that we might not live up to the guy's expectations, that sex might not be what he expected in real life vs a screen etc. etc. It is a worry for us as much as it can be for you.I mean com'mon, if the roles were reversed,e.g. the girl was a virgin,would you not worry about hurting her feelings (if you could envision a relationship,but not sure about serious stuff)? Of course you would. Being a first is always something special and it's kind of an honour to be picked to be someone's 1st. Nothing embarrassing about it.Plz don't hide it. Wear it as a badge of honour :)
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 May 2016):
 If you're looking for the girlfriend-material, then I can promise you, you will not be rejected on the account of being a virgin.
Virginity is not some magic spell, nor is it a big sign on your penis. Virginity is abstract. What I mean is.... it's about as relevant and realistic to relate to as flying elephants. Your penis is still there on your body, wether it has been inside a vagina ever before or not. It functions just as it should, regardless of your experience with women.
You probably imagine it to be a big thing, this virginity matter. But it is not. And it will be over within seconds too, once you start to have sex. And then you'll be all "oh, that was it?".
Virginity is not something magical. You're just like any other guy, don't label yourself or imagine yourself to be worse off, or lacking somehow. You have all the body parts needed and no big sign of your forehead that screams virgin, and virginity is not a relationship-repellent.
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A
female
reader, missy_25  +, writes (30 May 2016):
As a female who have saved their virginity to the man they married, I think kudos to the man who has the willpower to do the same especially in this day's generation. I still don't regret waiting. I'm certainly lucky that he matched my appetite when it happened.
But my most precious, intimate experience was when I hugged the man that made me feel I was enough, skeletons and all, that feeling that I have finally met someone who understood me. It wasn't the physical attraction, though we had that, that made it special, it was the look and smile he had only for me saying he understood me and cared about me. It was worth more than any sex could've satisfied me.
I think you should keep building your own identity, go after your dreams, meet as many people as you can along the way so you can learn from them, and open yourself to the possibility of love but be careful who you trust. Remember, trust is earned, and it goes both ways. I think you are an amazing person for successfully battling your depression. Stay away from people, situations that will trigger it. Focus on how you can be just you. The best you that God and I believe you can be. And you WILL meet the person that will love you for you, not just to have sex with. Trust me, its the best feeling ever. Sex, that's just a bonus.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (30 May 2016):
I agree with the advice of Andie’s thoughts. It would be a mistake to try and hide it, but it doesn’t have to be a big deal either. If you focus on building a relationship, sex shouldn’t be in the picture in the beginning anyway. Concentrate on getting to know the girl and letting her get to know you. Then it will become clearer how you tell her you’re a virgin. Perhaps it will come up, when you start talking about your past, as most people do at some point during relationship-building. Either you’ll start by talking about the fact that you’ve not had much experience, or you might just tell her the whole truth straight away. The point I’m trying to make is that you can’t plan these conversations for a relationship that doesn’t exist yet, because it will become clearer as you go along how best to tackle it. What you can do is realise that many decent women won’t reject you, and will respect your honesty and your attitude to sex. A lengthy list of notches on the bedpost isn’t attractive to a woman either. In any case, supposing you’d had some kind of sexual experience, it wouldn’t make you any more prepared unless you’d had a relationship. You’d still be inexperienced.
So take it from another 20-something male virgin, this is not a deal-breaker. Might some-one reject you because of it? Well maybe. There are all kinds of reasons why we reject people. But it makes you no less datable and no less able to find happiness with some-one in the future. And to end on a positive, it’s fantastic that you’ve sorted yourself out and got your confidence back. Now get out there, meet people and you never know when some-one right for you will come along.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (30 May 2016):
 Firstly, it's good that you're not into NSA sex because that's nothing like relationship sex. You'd be getting a completely different experience to the (hopefully emotionally safe one in a relationship - not that NSAs are bad, just not what I'd advise for someone who's worried about their virginity.One option is not to tell them, but the inexperience may give it away and surprise them - which, in terms of reactions, could go either way. So, that leaves option two: build a relationship, get to a point where you trust them and are comfortable with each other, then mention that you're not experienced before it gets hot and heavy - unless you don't feel it's necessary at the time and just go with the (safe sex) flow.If the person actually reacts badly to you being a virgin/inexperienced, they are the one with the problem, you'd dodge a bullet. Some may be surprised, but no decent person would react badly. I know a rejection would hit hard at the time, but you have to take that risk sometimes. That said, it would be better to go for relationships when you feel you're at a stage that a rejection wouldn't feel like the end of the world.Good luck - virginity isn't that much of a big deal, despite what we're taught to think!
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