A
female
age
30-35,
*uriouserAndCuriouser
writes:I'm sorry for another one of these questions.. My philosophy/religion teacher is middle aged, and a very handsome man; but what has won me over most has been his confidence, down-to-earth demeanor and corky sense of humour. He has led an admirable life and the stories he shares only make me admire him more.He is a great male mentor for all students at my school, and I have been fortunate to have been taught by him once each semester of this school year. I will be graduating in June. I truly care about this man and I respect him deeply. We have always gotten along very easily, but as time has gone on I have become more and more reclusive; and I wish I hadn't have. My relationship with my father has always been poor, and so I realize that I idealize this man as a father figure. It's true, and I recognize that; if I could have any man as a father, it would be him. Everyday I get excited to see him; his classes are my favourite. When I spot him in the hallway, I light up. But then, I'm always covering it up. I don't know if its that I am ashamed, or afraid to embarrass myself or him.. but I have basically stopped making even basic eye contact with him. He is always teasing me, and he compliments me often. He does so less and less now, I think because he is worried about upsetting me. I've definitely noticed that he speaks to me in a more careful and gentle town, now - and won't call on me in the class as much. A few days I've been to class and have fallen asleep, because of stressful nights beforehand that deprived me of the 8 hours we all need. Or, I'll rest my head on the desk when I am too upset to read or work. He won't confront me about it, because its not consistent enough - but he'll find some way to check and see if i'm alright. Like calling on me to answer a question, so that I have to pick my head up and look him in the eye.I believe that he cares about me, and I know as a good teacher, he should. It definitely feels like a father-daughter sort of subtle relationship.. but I am able to make him blush and smile, so there's the cutesiness factor, too (though its hardly sexual. That's not what my intentions are and I know neither are his).The week after march break, I came down with pneumonia and stayed home for a week. So I had missed two weeks of school.. and I missed him everyday. I still miss him everyday. And everyday I wish so badly that I could hug him. Sit down and talk to him about things.. about life. I want to learn so much more from him; really develop a mentor-student relationship that exists outside the classroom, maybe even outside the school. Like in the good old days like Socrates to Plato or Aristotle to Alexander the great (Hoping an older audience can catch my drift). But I feel so limited by the student-teacher relationship and it angers me....This is the closest thing i've had to experiencing father-daughterhood and I don't see why that can't exist between non-relatives. My teacher is a very humble person, and places a lot prominence on morals. He has a wife and two children, and I have met them and I know he loves them dearly. What I am wondering, (to hear from actual teachers would be a great help) is what I can do? What is acceptable? Can a friendship exist outside of school? Does the 'inappropriateness' of that threaten his job, even when both sides have the purest and more respectful of intentions? Do I have to wait until I graduate to develop a more substantial relationship (again, not sexual) with him? I don't want to wait. I will be gone by then, and will hardly see him.And does anyone have any tips on helping me to lighten up again, and make eye contact, and make more conversation? I hate shutting down to him because I worry that he takes it personally. I came from a family with a verbally abusive, controlling and manipulative father. Physically abusive at points to my mother and brother, but never to me. I was bullied throughout elementary school and suffered from depression in middle school.. Self confidence has never come easy to me, and even now it is fleeting.He helps me to build it and break it at the same time.I used to be afraid of male teachers, and I have only ever had a few. But this semester all my teachers are males, and I don't have a problem making eye contact with any of the others, and I respect them. But with him, its different. I respect him and care for him so much, i believe I'm afraid to get hurt. And I want him to know why my behavior has changed, but I dont know IF I should say it or HOW I should say it or if it even really matters.. if I should just forget about it, and forget about including him in my life.But for me, that's not an option.He is the greatest of the very few positive male role models I have in my life, now - and we care about each other, and we share so much in common, and we always had great discussions - why should that have to be thrown aside? Sorry for jumping around with this; it turned out longer than I had expected.. but I wanted to make sure it all got out.I'm just very frustrated. And if you could see and listen to and talk with this man every day like I am able to (well, used to), then you would understand how hard it is NOT to deeply admire him. He is a giant teddy bear, in every way imaginable..Thanks, everyone.
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bullied, confidence, my teacher, teasing Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Thx  +, writes (13 October 2019):
I know its been 10 years, but you expressed the way i feel so well that i just want to thank you. Im only 16 and even though he is still my teacher, he confessed im like a daughter to him. I always want to spend time with him because chatting with him i forget about my horrible school where i have been bullied and about my terrible father. So yeah, thanks
A
female
reader, Emily screen  +, writes (12 January 2011):
just curious, how did it end? was their a resolution to this situation? did you move on? or do you still see him regularly? I'm in a similar situation myself and wondered was it acceptable for you to keep in touch with your teacher once graduated? Was it more acceptable since he had a wife and kids? That way to the outside world your relationship probably wouldn't seem inappropriate at all compared to if he was single? look forward to hearing from you. cheers!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2009): To be honest I know what it is you are going through. I was going through my own depression, and nobody would help me..except for one of the teachers at my school. He was going through a similar situation himself and he decided to teach me how he has been coping. We quickly became friends, and I knew that he cared a lot about me by the comments he made, a quick pat on the shoulder walking by..before him, I used to be terrified of adults in general because of my own fears being raised by abusive parents, he helped me overcome my fears. I still worried a lot though, I spent way too much time with him than I probably should have and it was obvious to everyone that we were pretty close and I started to withdraw after awhile. I knew that the type of relationship that we had would never be accepted by anybody, but we were just friends..eventually I was able to talk to him a bit about it, which helped out a lot. I think the best thing that you can do is talk to him about it and see what he thinks. Be aware that seeing him outside of school, and being alone with him too often will definately raise questions, regardless of how harmless it may be. I hope you can befriend him once you graduate, and it is no longer deemed appropiate. Best of luck to you.
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female
reader, Rosygirls92  +, writes (26 April 2009):
Mmm thing is he's got a wife and kids. Not a good idea hum, perhaps as harsh as it sounds, moving on?
I know it sounds fickle but i had a crazy crush that lasted a year, I found it so hard but eventually I managed to let him go.
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A
female
reader, kitty_3  +, writes (12 April 2009):
 hmmm... if you're going to stay an extra semester, i'd suggest waiting to give him the letter until you actually leave. that way, you'll really not be at the school anymore, making it much less likely that he'll get in any sort of trouble.
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A
female
reader, CuriouserAndCuriouser +, writes (11 April 2009):
CuriouserAndCuriouser is verified as being by the original poster of the question I 'spose you're right; I have a habit of overthinking..
I just really don't want to screw it all up.
Do you think it makes any difference if I'm staying the extra semester or not? As for as leaving a letter goes..
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): It's good that you're concerned about those things, but you're 'overthinking' quite a bit here. Just chill. And don't forget, he has a better idea than you of just where the line is, so he'll be careful too. Just go with the flow. We're talking about a friendship, not a marriage. ;)
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A
female
reader, CuriouserAndCuriouser +, writes (10 April 2009):
CuriouserAndCuriouser is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe letter sounds like a great idea, and I'd very much like to leave my thoughts with him before I go..But I'm worried that my increasingly reclusive behavior would make it weird, or maybe that it has made him less interested in staying in touch. Though I'm sure that's not true, because students from university who used to attend my school often come back during reading week and walk right into his class, and he drops all things to talk to them. I think the worry is mostly in my head, rather than having a legitimate basis..Then comes the "how long do I wait" or "when is it truly appropriate" game, much like dating. When he suggests or agrees and it feels right? The summer is coming up, and technically I won't be his student anymore, but after the letter I don't want to pressure him..And there's another small problem; I was thinking of staying behind an extra year to take a few new courses our school is implementing that would benefit me before going off to university. He doesn't teach any of them, and I will have technically already graduated.. but I'm sure that changes things. What do you think? And thank you so much for the answers so far, they've been wonderful!
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female
reader, this_years_love +, writes (10 April 2009):
 Hey...Senior year is really different from the other years of school, because you're becoming more a woman than a girl. You stop seeing teachers as enemies and start to see them as people, potential friends even.I was in my senior year last year, and developed a lot of good friendships with my teachers. While i was in school, that's where it stayed, and that is how it should be. Now that i've graduated i've got them on facebook or have their numbers, and sometimes catch up with them for coffee and chat about everything from how our jobs are, our families, what we want to do in the next couple years. It is great to still have these people who did so much for me in my life, and it's a nice feeling to be able to talk to somebody older who isn't a parent about where you what to go in life, etc.Just keep a friendship with him, and when you graduate you will be able to get coffee together or catch up and maintain that friendship.Everything is much simpler after graduation, so don't stress too much, alright? You are bright, you know the boundaries, and you are not misleading yourself about where your relationship can go. Teachers can be fabulous role models and friends, and once you graduate it will be completely appropriate to keep in touch and let him know where you're going in life and how you're doing
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): You're going to graduate this year? That's not even three months from now. Hold off until June. Then, during the last week of school, give him a card or a letter that says some of what you've said above. How you've appreciated all he's done for you, how you've admired him, etc. You can allude to the fact that the male role models in your life haven't been all that great, and thank him for the example he's set. End by saying that you'd very much like to keep in touch but only if he is completely comfortable doing so.
I think once you're left his school that he can't get into to any trouble. It would be best, though, that there be no appearance of anything improper going on. If you do get together, do so at a coffee shop, a reasonably busy park, or some other public place.
From what you've said, it probably would do you a lot of good to talk with this man and get some guidance in life from him -- it sounds like you have some issues that wise counsel would help address.
Hope that helps. Good luck!
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