A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, I just wanted some advice!I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year. He's a gentleman, charming and does everything under the sun for me.There's just one thing that's concerning me.I first let me boyfriend try anal sex about 3 months ago - it took a while for me to feel comfortable enough with it - and although not my cup of tea, he was very gentle with me. I admit, I told a little white lie and said that it felt OK as I didn't want to hurt his feeling after he was so gentle, but I hated it. I just don't understand it!The problem is, ever since I opened the door to it, he's constantly making references to it, talking about it and insists that we do it almost every week. When I say I don't want to do it, he get's quite upset and sulks, sometimes even gets a little angry which puts me in a weird situation. I know that he has some self-esteem issues so all I can think of is that he thinks I no longer 'want him' if I say no? This makes me feel like I have to say yes not to offend him, not because I actually want to do it.Also something to mention is that he has a problem with hearing/talking about any ex-partners, and has on one occasion said that I must have had anal a lot more with previous partners but not with him - he felt like 'another name on the list' just because I didn't want to do it. I get that its an insecurity thing, but I'm not quite sure why if I don't feel like having sex - I get punished and made to feel bad about his insecurity?? I don't think there's ever been a day of - "I'm just not in the mood, is that ok?" "Yes, don't worry". It's always "why?!"I love him very much but I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with this because it's starting to make me not want to have sex at all. Can someone please help?Thanks xxx
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): He made you feel bad because he really wants it bad and isn''t getting it.That area is so tight, it feels really good.You may not realize the pleasure is probably so incredible it's blowing his mind.I guess it's a mental thing as well as angle and positioning.I'm guessing there is more problems in the relationship.It's more about the making you FEEL BAD than actually wanting to do it that way.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2009): Two responses, first to the poster:
I suspect that your man is having control issues. Not because he wants anal sex, which if the two of you were into it is great... but because he's manipulating you with guilt and insisting that you allow him to do you in a way that causes you pain. Anal sex by nature is an act that puts the penetrator in a dominate position (if in doubt, strap on a cock and shove it in his ass...)- one aspect of the act that he may enjoy is the dominance (speculation on my part, because there are other aspects to enjoy, *if* you enjoyed it.)
Most all men would not enjoy anal if their significant other didn't enjoy it- the fact that he gets pleasure from something that causes you pain is troublesome. The fact that he's saying things like you probably had anal with guys before him, but not him (so he gets sulks like a child?!!!)- that's manipulation.
Also, the age difference is likely a manipulation. Often when guys date women much younger than them it's because they hope that they can have greater influence over them.
------------ now the second response-------------
an anonymous female wrote:
"Until very recently in human history, men lived their entire lives without anal sex! This is the first generation of men that feel it's not only desirable but required :( Anal sex is not a good thing!"
NOT TRUE- Anal sex has been around since at least the time of the Greeks, and they certainly didn't invent it...
"It destroys your muscle, ask gay men what happens when they get it in the ass too much."
NOT TRUE- unless you're ass raped, working a muscle makes it stronger... your conjecture that one needs to 'ask a gay man' is BS- your accusation is that everyone who has anal sex has leaky bowls... PLEASE... are you serious????
"The intestines are also not equipped to handle the potential bacteria introduced by the penis and semen, not to mention the ecoli in fecal matter...all around it's just not a good idea."
NOT TRUE- healthy semen poses zero danger to your bowels. It's a lot more sanitary than poo! The e-coli simply needs to be washed off with warm soapy water...
These are the types of mis-facts that some people throw around in fear. You might was well say "only gay men want anal"- that's not true either...
The fact is that anal sex can be a part of a healthy loving sexual relationship. It takes a desire, trust and sensitivity- if one of the partners does not enjoy it to the point that they want to take it off the menu, then all they should have to do is say so.
My wife is the one who first suggested it, and it took a week of trying and once we got her to the point of being able to accept me into her she LOVED it. So much that to the point that I had to start requesting vaginal sex, as her orgasms from anal were 3x to 4x stronger. In 10 years we've only had a couple of times where she suffered any injury (tiny tears in her anus), which healed in a week or so. no enema's and only a couple of times with any traces of poo.
If you're not into it, FINE, but don't spread misinformation.
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer  +, writes (23 December 2009):
 Here's the deal. You need to be candid with your B/F. My hat's off to you for atleast trying it. I always say, how do you know you don't like something if you won't even try it? You did it, you didn't like it, so what more can he ask?
But the real problem is you need to talk with him about this. Not when you are naked and the light are out, you need to have his undivided attention. Let him know exactly how you feel. It he is the charming B/F that you say he is, he will understand.
Relationships are not based on head games. Lay the peices on the table, and let him know where you stand.
Jeff
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009): Just lay down the rules. Tell him you don't like anal sex. I have had anal sex a few times just to see what it was like. My girlfriend and I were both drinking at the time and she had her period. I was feeling horny and she got a little permissive from the drink so she let me try. She too said it was OK the first time, but when we tried one other time without the alcohol she said it hurt like hell. I felt bad doing it if it hurt her, especially since I've got to admit that it wasn't great. It was smelly, kinda gross, and there was almost no sensation on my penis during it. I think my penis actually burned a little afterward. Hands down I would take vaginal sex any day of the week over anus. I don't know how any guy could possibly prefer ass over puss.It probably wasn't that great for him either, its just the taboo issue that has him enthralled with it. Ask him if he really enjoyed it or if it is just the taboo thing. You may also want to politely ask him if he would want to have anal sex with a guy, since it is the same anatomical body part. If you put it in that perspective maybe he will see that it is unnatural. Nature just did not intend for a penis to get shoved in an anus. Just explain to him that it really hurts you and you do not like it. He should respect that. After all (assuming it could fit) you wouldn't let him shove his penis in your ear would you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009): Until very recently in human history, men lived their entire lives without anal sex! This is the first generation of men that feel it's not only desirable but required :( Anal sex is not a good thing! It destroys your muscle, ask gay men what happens when they get it in the ass too much. The intestines are also not equiped to handle the potential bacteria introduced by the penis and semin, not to mention the e-coli in fecal matter...all around it's just not a good idea. I think it's strange that men want sex this way and I am glad I am not of the generation that has their sexuality so greatly influenced by porn. I feel sorry for young women in this regard, it must be very confusing to be pressured in this way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009): Thank you for all your comments, they've really helped - and I have already come to terms with the thought of leaving him if this continues. It breaks my heart because apart from this, he's charming. But it's like he's a dog on heat when it comes to this - he just can't seem to get enough, even though I've said I'm not that keen on it.Something else I should mention is that he's 30, I'm going on 22 so there is a bit of an age gap here. Could this be anything to do with it? Wanting to be the dominant one? I have noticed that I am a lot more independent that he his, and frequently do things on my own or with friends. I'm not one of these people who needs to be with 24/7.His last relationship lasted 8 years (!) - Is there a possibility that she might have been needy and the fact that I'm not makes him insecure? So anal sex is something he has control over?? I don't know ... Input would be appreciated. Thanks so much so far x
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A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (23 December 2009):
 Just be up front and tell him you are not comfortable with doing it and if he wont respect that/you and back off on this, ask him if it would be ok if you shoved a vibrator up his arse? Chances are fairly good he will recoil at the notion and if so then point out to him that this is not too far different from what he is asking of you. That may help him to look at it a bit more from your perspective and lay off on pressuring you.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (23 December 2009):
 I have heard that some women love anal sex. I have always been respectful and honest about sex. I think it must hurt, because it hurt me. So although I was asked, and have tried it a few times, I could never relax and get into it.
My opinion is, if YOU didn't ask for anal sex, you shouldn't be having to endure it.
Anal sex seems like a 'control' thing, or something that young and immature men see porn actresses do. The reality is that these porn actresses get paid to moan and look excited, and need to wear nappies once their muscles have been destroyed.
For me, its not worth putting any woman through that.
Tell him straight that you DO NOT enjoy anal. If he wants to sulk, or he tries to make you feel guilty, so be it. Be strong.
This really annoys me. It is up there with domestic violence as far as I'm concerned.
Like Emily says, if he cannot accept your decision, get ready to walk away with your body intact.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 December 2009):
You tell him you don't want to do it, and won't do it. Then you tell him that he should respect you. Then, if he still doesn't listen, leave him and find someone who does respect and care for you. Don't be bullied by him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009): I agree with emily, i like her advice :) you need to stand up for yourself here and really not let any unacceptable behaviour to go on. There are plenty of girls who will never do anal. your boy sounds really insecure. maybe he will grow out of it, maybe he won't. you need to put your foot down and see how he responds. If you don't notice signs of improvement, you need to have a serious think whether or not its something you want in a long term partner..
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (23 December 2009):
 Be honest and tell him straight out that it's really not for you. Consider giving him head if you haven't already, which is better and more exciting (in my opinion).
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (23 December 2009):
You have to tell him that you are sick of feeling pressured about this and it's putting you off him all together.
You talk about how he might feel unwanted, it can't be very nice for you knowing he's only ever THAT kind of sex, not You.
You have to just turn round and snap at him here. Let him know that his behaviour could cause him to lose you.
As for trying to imply that you did things with ex's or that you are some how slutty for saying no... that's bordering on something very manipulative and weird.
I know you love him but I'd keep your option of walking away open.
Good Luck!! xx
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