A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. Just hoping for some sensible advice and support... It's a rather complicated story... and I really appreciate no one wants to listen to someone waffle on so I'm cutting it real simpleWhen I got with my bf a year ago we worked together! Before anything happened with him I really didn't think too highly of him as he seemed a bit sly and had a rep of messing women around ( I never understood how as he's no brad Pitt ).. Now, when things started it was unexpected and He turned out to be so so lovely to me / really caring and gave me a lot of attention. I've had a rough ride in a previous relationship a couple of years back so have been real closed since then... Until meeting him that is... He really made me comfortable and happyNow, 10 months down the line I find out that he was actually still seeing 2 exes... and he hadn't split with them properly, just told them he was busy at work. I was devastated... And went mental at him... I was fuming!!!!!! Within weeks one of his exes had managed to get us both sacked from our very highly paid jobs ( very v complicated story on its own) Now, since then (the past 3 months) he has been with me every night / day and has done everything possible to make me feel I can trust himYes some people would say I'm stupid for staying with him but I decided to give him 1 shot as I knew what he was like when we started and somehow after the anger I felt relief it had all came up now so that it can be dealt with and decisions made... I would give it a shot... But on the understanding of him seeing me only... And as I said, he is trying to prove himself.I should be happy!! I have him... He’s with me... We work well together... We're considering getting a place togetherJust a few small issuesOne part of me - hates him / hates what he did to all his exes / hates the... reputation he had / hates that he LOST ME MY JOB (It was my career, I'd been at the company 3 years and it was humiliating) / i hate that I still haven't met his friends or family /I hate that he has a daughter and walked out on her and her mum / hate that he could lie to me in the past.. I get so angry that he has done this and hurt so many people in the process without taking a second thought...I hate that his friends know what he's like and they probably assume he's cheating on me / I hate that I've put up with so much and scarily sometimes I really want him to suffer for everything he did.. I can't help feeling that if I walked out tomorrow he would just hop onto the next 1/2 or 3 women that pop along. (Usually they're in their late 40s with cats btw - it would appear he didn't have high standards) On the other hand He hasn't done any wrong since it all came to light... We've been together 90% of the time... I love being with him, we really make each other laugh and he holds me so tight... I just want a normal happy life with a bf that wants to be there too.This is so tough for me to know if this is him acting or if he really does want to commit and move forward with me.We mentioned moving in together as when we start work again it would just make sense... and he is up for it... But I just feel like it’s me pushing for everything... I've told him I'd never want to live with him if he's unsure but I don't usually get a straight answer... Normally just a “I just wish we didn't need to argue sometimes " but the next week he will come searching for houses with me??I'm so confused here... I need to know what he wants from this so I can decide what to do with my life. If I decide to leave him I'll leave this city and go to my hometown... If I stay there’s a chance we could be so happy but I worry that it's me pushing for things... As he seems happy floating along with whatever... I'm just confused... We've spoken about all of this on a few occasions but nothing is ever really resolved. As we both need to start working again soon it's really starting to bug me... I need to know what we are doing so I can get my life in orderAny help?! Oh god, I rambled
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo I meant we work well as a couple, not that we will work together again. Sorry for confusion! I know we shouldn't work together and I dont want that. Thanks for all your advise though!! It's really
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (22 April 2013):
Dear OP,
If I was you, I'd run. Do you really think that in the end, you will be better off than all his exes or his poor daughter? Yes, for three months he has made some efforts.. real men make that effort every day of a relationship and it's not an accomplishment you have to be grateful for all the time. And you want to WORK with this guy again? Seriously? After you've already lost one job because of him?
And you even want to MOVE IN with him and risk you will lose your home as well if he's cheating on you and you'll have to break up?
COME ON!! What is this? Don't use the word romantic here, please.. you are on your way of making all of your happiness, income and living situation depending 100% on him.. who has proven so unreliable.
I am sure he must have some charm, or he couldn't have treated so many women so badly. I am sure there are some qualities that he has.. but are they worth the drama that is about to come into your life? Do you really think that one year from now, you will have managed to build up a stable relationship with him? Remember, he had a family once, he tried to commit, obviously.. but how did it end?
Look, if you really must, against all odds, try if this might work.. okay. But please, at least stay independent in the job department and get a place of your own. That way, when he's going to break your heart again, at least you'll have some place to stay and you won't have to change jobs anymore.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2013): He sounds Like a really boring man, I just feel for the middle aged women with cats that you seem to have no respect for, I would rather the cats than him!!
Other people are out and about enjoying life.....if you want good sex, you can get it with a less boring man.....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2013): You lost a high paying job because of him? You should of kicked that ass hole to the curb then. Where do six figure salaries grow on trees? By your own omission you cannot trust him by his past actions. Would this not tell you that it is over? He is certainly not keeper material. Maybe the chemistry you feel should be kept in the FWB relationship zone only. You decide. Think carefully about what you are doing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2013): I feel you have a passionate relationship with a rat. You love him but hate what he has done in the past and your future is by no means secure. Sadly, this sort of relationship can be addictive and seeing clearly is not easy. If you are doing all the 'pushing' then stop and see what happens - it takes two. If, without your drive, nothing happens then you have the answer to your question.
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A
female
reader, Expat Girl  +, writes (22 April 2013):
You should stay with him. You guys have chemistry. I think you wouldn't be satisfied with somebody else. He drives you crazy, but this is a good thing. He makes you feel alive. Unfortunately, he's probably the type of guy you will never be able to control. Indeed, it is a love/hate relationship.
You can always dump him later.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2013): your gut instinct is telling you that you cannot trust him because he is not trustworthy or responsible.
your gut instinct is telling you that he is not as committed to this relationship as you are...
'i hate that I still haven't met his friends or family /I hate that he has a daughter and walked out on her and her mum / hate that he could lie to me in the past..'
'I've told him I'd never want to live with him if he's unsure but I don't usually get a straight answer...'
He has not done ANYTHING to prove that he is the man you want
Don't be scared to walk away, you can definitely do better
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