A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ten years ago this very day, my wife and I started our relationship. She was married and had only been so for roughly six months when we met. She was having problems and did not know what to do. I was just coming out of a bad relationship and we seemed to hit it off from the start with so many things in common. We began meeting at a mutual friends house to watch movies and talk about our lives and how, if ever, we could ever find true love. It later escalated to us drawing closer to one another. Shortly after, she left her husband. She and I then sought a place and began the next step to a relationship. She became pregnant with our beautiful son near the end of August. We knew that this was a big jump but both wanted this after talking it out. From that moment, we started having ups and downs in the relationship. We ended up separating, with her going back to her husband while I found another companion to fill the void. We got back together in November of 1998 and have been together off and on ever since. Things were going great as we were attempting to settle and await our sons arrival when we acquired room mates. We did this to save money. However, my foolishness got the better of me and I cheated on her with our female room-mate. Later this room-mate turned out to be one that my wife hates...alot. I was so ashamed of what I had done, so I hid it inside and swore never to tell. On top of this, I have been just recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I am just now, through constant counselling and therapy with medicines, gaining control over it. My wife and I have had so many ups and downs over this. I would blame her for everything and always assume she was cheating on me and would yell at her over no apparent reason. This has been so for the past 9 years and has ended, at times, with her wanting to leave me or wanting me to move out. I have never laid a hand on her out of anger, but I have caused her pain from my mood swings. For some unknown reason, and a blessing still to me, she and I ended up marrying May of 05. She has always tried to look past my faults and see my heart and soul for what they truly are when my emotions are in check. This is one of undying peace and love for everyone and everything. However, I would allow my moods to roller coaster into influencing bad choices and ill thoughts. All the time, holding in my darkest shameful secret. This ate at every essence of my heart and soul. We had a really big fallout, nearing 3 weeks ago and she said she wanted a divorce. I do not know why, but I let my secret out. It was not at all my intention to hurt her. Instead, I could not bear the agony my soul was enduring from carrying this around for so long. I felt so empty inside from it. She has since then called this icing on the cake. I admit my faults and I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel to controlling this disorder. After beginning my medications, I began seeing things for what they are instead of what my fears portrayed them to be. My love that was almost dead and gone began to grow once again. Now, I am so sad because in the light of knowing what the right way to love her and cherish her is, for the gift that she is to me from God, I have taken these years for granted and quite possibly may lose her. She told me that she loves me but is no longer in love with me. Words cannot describe how terrible I feel for all the wrong I have done to her. I will always regret what I have done and would do anything to return to her heart the love and and trust that I tarnished with my issues and betrayal. My question is this and hopefully there is an answer. How does one show sincerity and prove that they are a different person? That anything can be worked through with true love and faith. And in that, would it be possible to win back her love and trust? Do not hold anything back. There is nothing that can be said that I have not already said to myself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much to those who responded to my problem. It has been almost two weeks since we had our big fight and all that I listed happened. Many things have changed but I am sad to say that there are far too many more that have not. I have been staying with my medications and take them on the dot each and every time of the day. This is beginning to be habit forming for me so I am sure this will not be an issue as more time passes. There is a huge difference on how I feel now versus when I started this question. I no longer feel as though things are so bad. I mean, I am very sad over the thought of losing my wife. However, I am not raged about not getting what I want. My emotions are reaching that "normal" range or level I guess I should say. She and I have had several talks and discussed issues such as moving out, spending time with our son, what things I can take with me when I move, about being friends, but nothing about being a couple. We talked last night about how this is so hard and would be so much easier if things would have been done before versus now, being too late apparently. She stated that God gives us what we most need in life and rarely what we want. It makes me sick to my stomach but I have to agree with her. I have been so selfish over the years and neglecting everything she needed in a mate, lover, friend, and husband. And in doing so, it showed her that she does not need that in her life, thus not wanting the stress or burden of a relationship to be on her anymore. She also stated that she did not want an a@@ hole for a husband, but she got one for the past ten years. Put it this way, everything she said was true and I could only sit there and take it because I knew that all that I have done will never go away. As for now, I am in the process of saving up and looking for a place to move to. I want to stay close because of my son. Also for the reason of that if she was to ever need me for anything, I could be here without a second blink. I told her that she will always be the one I love as I will neither love another nor will I search out or allow anyone to enter my heart or life again. It is just about retarded to think that I finally figured out just how much I love this woman after ten years of living with her. She and I will continue being friends and as for now, she has told me that she is not going right away and rush out for a divorce. I hope that this means something good. Of course, at this moment in my life, seeing this totally different and wonderful woman in front of me, I am completely puzzled at who she is and what she thinks, let alone what that means. Before this, I could pretty much finish her sentences for her as she could me. But, I see a totally different person. I would like to think that we could separate and live apart for some time to think things out and allow each of us to fix anything that may hinder any possibility for us to work together. Mainly me, because I have told her that she is a wonderful woman. Not for sympathy, but to let her know that even after all that I have said and done, she is still willing to help me. God, what a woman. And da@# me for not seeing this years ago when I still had a chance to do something. We started out as being friends many years ago. It quickly led to what I have grown to cherish, love, and of course lose. It could happen again. I know that I have to keep moving forward to get my life straight and trust in God to lead me where I need to be and not where I want to. I am willing to take whatever she sends my way because it is only right for me to. She has never done me wrong like this and I will spend the remainder of my life dedicated to treating her like I should have all these years. My heart is urning for her to be inside it once again, but it may take the rest of my life for this to happen. Or, it may never happen at all. Either way, I will not stop loving her, cherishing her, caring for her, being there for her when needed, etc. I agree that actions speak louder than words. Perhaps this is a test from her to see how sincere I am? Who knows. All I know is that where it sucks, yes, I have to be strong for me as well as my son and look to God for guidance. I just pray that He leads us back together. There is nothing I will not do and I will succeed in becoming that person I was before I allowed hate and negativity to enter my heart and soul. Anyways, sorry so long, but I wanted to give an update. Thank you two again for your words of wisdom. God bless you two. At a time where I have no friends, those words from your answers let me see that the world does have good souls still left in it. Thank you again.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (3 April 2008):
 First lets look at the issues from the beginning. When you first got together. You leaving a bad relationship, and her being in one. It's good intentions to want another relationship, the problem is, if you haven't had time to resolve the issues from the last one, you enter into the new one with whatever is left over that hasn't yet been damaged. I'll always remember this saying "the biggest problem you have going into a new relationship is, you take you with you."
It's awesome you've taken time to see something is wrong with you, and took action. That's a difficult process and takes dedication to get to the level you're at.
Now you're relationship. Think of you and her having emotional bank accouns. You add to it, and take deposits from it. The key is, making more deposits than withdraws. You do this by treating her special. I agree with you that faith and love can help in overcoming many issues, but when you treated her as you did before, you kept taking withdraws and overdrew your account.
the only way to really change this arround is by taking action. You can tell her all you want about how you're changing, but seeing is believing.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 April 2008):
 Wow, this is really tough to help with. You seem to have a handle on your bipolar disorder and have made sure that you're on the right meds and are getting counselling. Those are all good signs.
The thing that sticks in my mind is the cheating with the roommate and then telling her about it so many years later. I know it was eating away at you, but now you've unburdened yourself of the secret, it will eat away at her. You've seriously damaged her trust in you and it might never be forgiven, and certainly it won't be forgotten.
You're trying to make amends now, and to get back together with her. I think that you're going to have to just wait for the trust to be built back up again, if she'll allow it to happen. It won't be overnight and it won't be easy for either of you. If you are serious about mending this torn relationship, you should try to get into counselling with her, if she'll consider it.
You might find she's not interested in working on repairing this relationship, but it's worth a try. What do you have to lose at this point?
Why not write out your long question to dearcupid, but phrase it so that you're writing it to her, and send it to her in a letter? Again, you've nothing to lose, right?
But I have to tell you that it may not work, she may be so devastated by what happened that it won't get put back together...
My sincere best wishes.
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