A
female
age
41-50,
*oo strong
writes:I have been involved with a married man for 2.5 years. I'm divorced for 1.5 years. my husband cheated on me and he used to hit me. he just never cared for my opinion. he spent most of our 8yrs of marriage in front of a computer and a dead end MLM business. When I met this guy, who i knew before my husband, sparks went off. we had a great time we spoke for hours.He spent his anniversary with me. He helped me with my apartment. he slept in his living room so he could text me. But he used to tell me that his wife wanted another baby. I told him i would have to end our affair when this would happen. I would not be able to handle it because I had fallen in love with him. So i started to see other people so i could prepare myself for the end. I met a much younger guy who wanted to marry me. He treated me like royalty, but I have to call off my relationship with the younger guy. I never took him serious and I said no. I made him cry many times. my little fling with the younger guy ended and my affair got stronger. he said he didn't realize he could lose me. the thing is that i want to be with him, i realise that i am crazy about him and the feeling's mutual, now his wife knows of our affair and she told him that she's not leaving him. He feels guilty because his wife refuses to leave even though she knows every detail about us. she tries to please him in bed and asks him questions about the two of us in details. he told her some of it. she stopped hitting him, she doesn't kick him out anymore and she thanks me for changing her husband. He doesn't want to leave anymore now, cause she will not walk out and i think cause I did not take him serious before when he wanted to walk out. Now it's very stressful for all 3 of us. I tried to walk away but he shows so much reason for me to hang in there, she wants a baby even though she found out about us. he told her he's not ready. I think he's buying time. but he's not too clear. I am running out of patient. please help. I have no problen finding a guy. my heart is stuck on this guy. sometimes we both are so hurt that we spite each other with words. he sleeps by my home. he brings breakfast every saturday and sunday. this guy goes out of his way for me. but i don't know anymore. is it me that don't have self respect or is it the wife.
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female
reader, too strong +, writes (22 January 2009):
too strong is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanted to thank all of you who gave great advice. I knew what I needed to do. I just wanted assurance and I needed to know that the world is filled with people who still believes in keeping an empty marriage together. I've had a horrible year because of this "married man" who wouldn't seem to let go. I had to file a restraining order against him but it didn't stop him. I came to the conclusion that he must have some sort of mental problems because he seem to want to be like every guy I've been with. He repeatedly showed up at my job without my knowing and he gave me so much money that I never asked for. I met a great guy about 7 months ago and I'm pregnant for him. I'm more peaceful because this guy is emotionally strong. Mr."married guy" called him up and threaten to drink his blood. So I realized that there's something wrong with this married man who I think really couldn't let go.
A
female
reader, Hope37 +, writes (17 June 2008):
My heart goes out for you. Please remember 'Depression' is better than Anxiety and Stress. I have been in similar situation. Some people say they are indecisive, but I think there is already a decision made in all indecisiveness. He wants to keep his current family intact first - you are secondary. The sooner you cut-off from this guy the better it is for you. Men cannot take rejection, and so the last time you tried dating the younger guy, he came back running to you.
Trust me, you will meet somebody nice, just hang on there and enjoy yourself.
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A
female
reader, Deema  +, writes (11 April 2008):
 I just read your rewrite, and if she's saying she's worked too hard in the marriage to let him go, why are you bothering? If he really wanted out he would go, he really would. So you're wasting your life here. Theres someone better out there for you. Dont waste any more time on this. I saw my sister go through FIFTEEN years of this. She had no self-esteem, and they were both alcoholic, so reality was not her strongest point, and then after 15 years of being alone at Christmas, birthdays, holidays, he cleared off to Spain with his wife in his new retirement home and NEVER EVEN TOLD HER. So he had his cake and eat it for all those years. She was heartbroken and last I heard more or less sleeping in the gutter, which is a tragedy, she worked for the prime minister at one time. But thats the price she paid for this. Very sad, but very true. No one can tell you what to do, only give their account of their lives, but maybe something in one of those accounts gives us the wake up call we need. I'm not suggesting this is that, just offering my opinion. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): don't get yourself hurt. Put yourself first like he is with her, maybe you should consider keeping him as well as a new guy then you are both equal.
Only you really know if your are degrading yourself noone else, just you'
Good luck with your life
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A
female
reader, NoSoulButWords +, writes (5 April 2008):
I am preparing myself for giving the unpopular answer, but I feel it is important for you to look from a different point of view.
You are obviously okay with seeing a married man, he is obviously okay with cheating, and his wife is obviously okay with that. Ever consider making things more legit and official? So long as all parties agree to the situation, there is nothing wrong with polyamory (Not talking creepy cult sell off kids polygamy, that is something ENTIRELY different). If you swing that way you could even persue a relationship with the wife, is she agrees, and if not you could at least be friends. It is a way to continue what you are doing without lying, cheating, feeling bad etc. but ONLY if all three of you agree to the exact terms of your relationship.
As far as them having a child, what exactly are you opposed to? He is already married to her, how will their having a child change that? Think long and hard about why you object, and try to work with them to figure out a solution that works best for all of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): I had an affair with married man several years ago that lasted a year and a half. He would always tell me he was going to leave, "when the time is right", never being very specific or giving very much information. When I wanted out of the relationship, he would find a way to do something that would get my hopes up just enough to keep it going. I ended up going through so many highs and lows for such a long time that I still have them 3 years after ending the affair with him. He is still with his wife and every once in a while, he will try to get it started again. To tell you the truth, the affair was the worst thing I have ever done in my life. It has changed me and I regret waisting so much time on him waiting for him to leave, when he knew all along that would never happen. Men like this want both the wife and the girlfriend with no regards to either women's feelings. I suggest you end it with him and get on with your life with someone who will hold you at night--Every night. Someone who will respect you and who wants to be with you. You might first consider counseling to help you get through this. I did and I couldn't have done it without counseling. I still have many issues because of the affair, but life is a lot better now. I just want to help anyone I can, because I know exactly what you are going through. Take care and good luck.
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A
female
reader, Twirly +, writes (3 April 2008):
 Hi There,I think that he needs to make a choice, to stay with his wife or to be with you.Neither you or his wife seem happy, and you say he is feeling guilty, so he needs to decide Sweetie, and there's not a lot any of you can do until he does.I think you and his wife seem to have been more than tolerant with him about it all, and at least it is all out on the open which is a positive thing.He needs to be firm and leave his wife in my opinion. If she won't leave him then he should leave her. Unfortunately he is the one that has met someone else, so he will simply have to be man enough to take the steps to initiate leaving, as it certainly sounds as though his will not do so otherwise and you will all be in this situation for ever.Alternatively he may choose to stay with his wife, in which case you will sadly be forced to move on and put him behind you.I don't envy you, it's a horrible situation but these things happen all the time, and to the best of us as well. It's not fair on you or his wife to be in this limbo situation though and I really wish you good luck and the strength to be firm in making him realise he has make a decision.
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A
female
reader, too strong +, writes (3 April 2008):
too strong is verified as being by the original poster of the questionum, she does know about the affair because she called me and she said to leave her husband alone. I've heard her say to him "you think you're getting off so easily by pressuring me? I've worked too hard for this marriage to let it fall apart. I am not leaving. you leave if you want." so i know that he's telling the truth about all the things she said.
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