A
female
age
36-40,
Miss Polly
writes:It seems so many people spend their time wanting to find that right person, many of us feel terrible 21st century pressure to be in love and to be loved.What strikes me is how many completely meaningless relationships people are willing to have for the sake of that search.I am not an expert, but I am with someone who I love very much and I feel extremely lucky.A lot of my friends go through relationships quicker than underwear, one week here, 2 months there and proclaim to love them far too soon for it to be genuine; they end up having a nasty row, losing that person due to a very silly little argument and so the drama unfolds.Maybe in a weird way it makes them happy?, but if there's one thing I've learned in my short 21 years, it's that nothing beats having a strong foundation based on friendship before you get involved romantically with someone.Whenever I'm asked about guys/girls by my friends, I always encourage them if they've hung out, share mutual interests and have a laugh together, because I don't think the importance of those things can be underestimated, especially when it comes to a relationship that's serious.People forget that when you've been together a certain amount of time, your partner may not constantly tell you they love you, they may forget to text you back and there's usually a level of complacency, something which I think is totally natural, you love each other, things aren't going to change for the forseeable future, I think it's just a natural occurrence.But if you can laugh together, be silly, enjoy some of the same things and enjoy each other's company, you have little to worry about.People forget that relationships aren't solely based on romance and passion, yes those things are amazing, but they won't insure that you last and you're happy together long term.So my conclusion is this; want that special someone? make a friend of them first, get to know them, gain each other's trust, hang out for a few months, it may be painstaking, but it'll be worth it in the end.As fun as approaching a stranger, having a flirt and then going home together can be, it's much more likely to end in heartache, although it doesn't always for everyone.If you're feeling miserable and loveless, try and forget it, if friends you're surrounded with are in relationships, so what? you're time will come, but they have to be right for you.Go out, enjoy your life and try not to see people as relationship material before friendship material.Love and good relationships take time.
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female
reader, Katiekins86 +, writes (12 December 2009):
 I totally agree with you. I'm a similar age (23) and was due to be getting married next year to my ex fiance - we were best friends and had such a laugh together. In the last month he complained of not being bothered to do anything fun with me anymore although he loved and fancied me still (i.e the passion and romance you talk about, we did do stuff together etc but not the frenzied stuff you do in the first couple of years). He didn't try to do anything to work on his feelings (we never had any problems before) but he cheated on me on a weekend away pretty much three weeks or so since first voicing his concerns and he is now with her - he didn't know her when he met her in the club and he started their relationship before even getting to know her (she lives the other side of the country), which is quite retarded of him considering she isn't particularly attractive! He says he still loves/fancies me (he has tried it on a couple of times since, once before I knew about her and the 2nd afterwards) and makes it clear he enjoys my company and that cheating was a 'stupid mistake' but also that she makes him more happier than I didand he won't split up with her. I have since stopped contact with him as he's just being greedy!
My point is, although I DO agree with you, not everyone sees it the same way, which is heartbreaking. My ex treated me amazingly for the four years, we really were so happy. We even had the dress/rings bought. He suddenly changed - friendship, deep love and trust paled in comparison to newness, novelty and something different. I have no idea if he'll realise the mistake he has made, but what's horrible is knowing you could be the best partner in the world in everyway, and sometimes that just can't compare if they want something 'fresh'. I truly believe his new girlfriend could be anyone, but the one thing she's got that I haven't is she's 'undiscovered'.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): I also am 21 yrs of age, and I have found for myself that if you are looking for love you're not going to find it... Love will find you.
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