A
female
age
51-59,
*airy Godmother
writes:I'm interested to hear from anyone who has read the book 'Love Tactics - How to Win the One You Want' by Thomas McKnight and Robert Phillips. I've been following the advice in this book with someone I care for since last summer but I'm finding it really hard for a number of reasons.I got impatient recently and slipped up in a text by telling him a little of my feelings towards him. I'm sure he was fairly confident of my feelings but up until then I had shown I cared (over and over!) but never said it. He immediately backed away and said he only wanted to be friends.We have been friends at work for 3 years and I have texted this man regularly since I started reading the book, especially when he has been unwell. I have helped him with his garden, I have helped him at work, I have cooked for him, listened to him and empathised with him. At Christmas I painted a picture for him, had it framed and left it with one of his neighbours as a surprise. In return I get text messages, drop-bys to my office, long looks into my eyes and... that's it!I decided to 'Drop him Cold' and 'Strategically Withdraw' after the text message slip-up and I have not contacted him at all - it has been two weeks now. We work together and have briefly run into one another once since but although I was polite and friendly, I didn't go out of my way to make or lengthen the conversation. I plan to keep this up for quite a while, though it's very difficult.I know this man cares for me because I see it in his eyes and we get on so well, which makes the situation so frustrating. However, to-date he has not and will not commit to me beyond a friendship. Am I wasting my time and tears here or, having read the book, does anyone agree that given time, patience and by continuing to use the tactics in the book, I might finally get the love and commitment I long for back from him?Has anyone any advice about dropping people cold/tactically withdrawing and then popping back into their life?Thank you! x
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female
reader, Fairy Godmother +, writes (13 January 2009):
Fairy Godmother is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you very much for your further advice and I'm sorry to hear you got into a row. I hope you've managed to resolve that and make up?
I can talk to him about anything so wouldn't be frightened to ask about personal stuff, if the time was right. He had a live-in girlfriend for a while but the relationship ended two years ago and he was pretty devastated at the time. He also lost his father very suddenly just four years ago. I've talked to him a little about that. He says a lot in his face and eyes - I can read him like a book - but it takes kindness and sensitivity to get him to verbalise his feelings. When he did talk a little about his father it brought us very close; I think he really appreciated the opportunity.
The last couple of sentences you wrote show a lot of perception and I think you are absolutely spot-on.
I haven't texted him for a fortnight now and he turned up in my office at lunchtime today. We had a lovely chat and he mentioned that his mobile phone got damaged by a set of keys and he lost a lot of numbers, including mine. He said he couldn't remember it off by heart (hinting for me to give it to him) but I just smiled and said I couldn't remember it off by heart either. It wouldn't take a great detective to get hold of it from a mutual colleague, so I hope he rises to the challenge!
He is a very gentle soul and I'm pretty gentle and old-fashioned too. Perhaps only time will tell and he needs to think it all through first without any pressure from me.
Anyway, best wishes to you and thank you again for your time and help.
A
female
reader, Fairy Godmother +, writes (12 January 2009):
Fairy Godmother is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your help. He is 39, never been married but has had a couple of serious relationships that ended. He lives on his own with two cats. I am quite certain he is not seeing anyone else because he is a decent, kind and honest man and I know he would never play games like that. I think he is the sort that takes a long time to commit but when he does, that's it. He has told me in the past that he has given up hope of finding someone and that he envies his friends who are married with children. When we first met and I was with someone else he once said it was a shame I wasn't free. I know he is attracted to me and we get along really really well but... He isn't the partying type really, more into the outdoors, keeping fit, working hard at his career and catching up with a few close friends (virtually all of whom are married). He does occasionally have a night out with a mate and drink too much but only birthdays and rare occasions. He's steady, thoughtful and lovely!
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