A
female
age
51-59,
wonderingcat
writes:Covered in this article: Ask yourself | What are the signs of an abuser? | What is abuse? | Now what? | Escape plan | Shelters | Summary----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------+++INTRODUCTION+++There have been quite a few questions related to abuse in DC these last few weeks. Abuse, in any form, should not be accepted or tolerated. Any relationship, be it between two partners, or between parents and children, or amongst siblings, should be about love, respect, and trust. All human beings deserve to be loved and respected, not abused and disrespected. Abuse can take form in many forms, from verbal, to emotional, to physical. Lying, cheating, stealing, hitting, are just a few forms of abuse. Unfortunately, abusive behavior, when not addressed properly, often escalate from verbal, to emotional, to physical (which could lead to death pf the abused victim). Studies have shown that abusive behavior is similar to addiction, in that it would not change unless the person acknowledged it as a problem. Much the same way an alcoholic would not change until s/he realizes that it is a problem that needs to be resolved. And for abusers, to resolve it means to professionals (analyst, therapist, psychologist, counselor, etc) to get to the bottom of it i.e. to find why the abusive behavior or tendencies are there. Only after the root cause if uncovered, the process to learn how to control and manage the abusive tendencies and behavior can be implemented. And for the abused, talking to a professional could also help them to learn how to start the healing process. If a couple agrees to seek counseling, these two processes can be done side-by-side with each party reinforcing reciprocal positive energy. If only one party agrees for counseling, the result would not be as effective, if not more damaging, for obvious reasons. The root cause of abusive behavior can be a myriad of issues or circumstances. It could stem from abuse or addiction to alcohol or drugs, or un-addressed or bottled up stress from work/peer, or undiagnosed psychological/medical conditions, or even because that has been what you’ve known all your life (i.e. growing up in an abusive relationship household/family) – thus making this a vicious cycle. So how do we recognize abusive behavior? Who are the abusers? Men? Women? Children? Yes, to all of the above. There are many articles available on the internet on this issue, so please read them and educate yourself. Raise your own awareness on abusive behavior so you can empower yourself. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------+++ASK YOURSELF+++When you read these articles, you can start by asking questions to yourself, such as: …..Am I an abuser? If you felt that you can force your power upon your partner, consciously or subconsciously, then you are probably the abuser. If you felt bad immediately afterwards then started to declare your undying love, or apologizing profusely, but had no control or no problem in repeating the same abusive act the next time, then most likely you are. If you threaten or belittle your partner, or had no problem lying and cheating over and over again, then you are an abuser. …..Am I a victim of abuse? If you felt hopelessly in the wrong (because of the accusations as well as insinuations), always questioning yourself, low self-esteem, highly dependent on your partner emotionally, bearing marks of physical violence, or even afraid of your own life, then you are most likely the victim of abuse. …..Could I be both: abuser and abused/victim? Probably, if you reacted “violently” against the abuse, as you learned that the only way you “defend” yourself and be heard is react the same as the abuser. Without knowing it, after a prolonged period of time, this “defense mechanism” then becomes part of your “normal” every day life. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------+++WHAT ARE THE SIGNS OF AN ABUSER?+++1) Abuse signs: http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/abuse_signs.html 2) 28 Signs of Abusers: http://organizations.rockbridge.net/projecthorizon/signsofabuser.htm 3) 12 Signs of the Abuser: http://au.geocities.com/tigrispoet/12signs.htm 4) 5 Major signs of an abuser: http://www.co.marion.or.us/DA/victimassistance/Domestic+Violence/Warning+Signs+of+an+Abuser.htm 5) Warning Signs of an Abuser http://www.dvert.org/info/warningsigns.asp 6) Signs of Emotional Abusers - 6 Indicators You Are Being Emotionally Abused http://ezinearticles.com/?Signs-of-Emotional-Abusers---6-Indicators-You-Are-Being-Emotionally-Abused and id=2169193 7) The Early Warning Signs of Predators: http://www.feministjournal.com/early_warning.html 8) Warning Signs of an Abuser: http://www.mvwcs.com/redflag.html 9) Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality: http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/signs.htm 10) Signs your abuser may kill you: http://www.stoptheabuseblog.com/stop_the_abuse/signs_your_abuser_may_kill_you/ 11) Is Your Teen Dating an Abuser? http://teenhealth.about.com/od/relationships/a/signsofabuser.htm 12) The Dirty Dozen - Characteristics of a Psychopath: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/09/dirty-dozen-characteristics-of.html ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------+++WHAT IS ABUSE?+++ So what is abuse in a relationship? Rather than outlining them in my own words, why don’t you look at some of these sites, so you start making your own analysis, based on the available information within these links: 1) Welcome to Chapter 1 of the Verbal Abuse Tutorial! http://www.youareatarget.com/define.html#Define_an_Abusive_Relationship_Please 2) Welcome to Chapter 2 of the Verbal Abuse Tutorial! http://www.youareatarget.com/miracle.html 3) Some Abusive Relationship Warning Signs: http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page17.html 4) Classic Signs And Symptoms Of Spousal Abuse: http://www.abusefacts.com/articles/Classic.php 5) Abusive Relationships: http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive.htm 6) Interrupting the Cycle of Violence: Addressing Domestic Violence Through the Workplace http://www.mincava.umn.edu/documents/interrup/interrup.html 7) Escaping Abuse - How To Recognize an Abusive Relationship: http://www.suite101.com/lesson.cfm/17694/1044/5 8) Domestic Violence and Abuse - Warning Signs and Symptoms of Abusive Relationships: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------+++NOW WHAT?+++So what do you do, once you realize or discover that you are in an abusive situation? The first step, after you are fully aware of your situation, depends largely on the following: …..The stage of your relationship (e.g. just started, or has been in one for years) …..The degree or type of abuse (e.g. just “starting’, or has either been chronic or escalated as such that it endangers your life) and your state of wellbeing …..The self-acknowledgement of the abuser/abused of the situation and willingness to address it (without external prodding) …..The support group available for the abused (where you can talk about your case and learn from others on how to address, heal, and move on) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------+++ESCAPE PLAN+++The next step for you who are in danger of your life, start an ESCAPE PLAN NOW. Find a support group, and this may be a shelter (and do not disclose your whereabouts to the abuser). Find a professional therapist to help you heal. Here are a few sites that have articles on how to do this: 1) If you are or think you might be a victim of domestic violence: http://www.metrokc.gov/dvinfo/dv1_0.htm (USA) 2) Domestic Violence Help Programs and Services Individual Counseling: http://www.asafeplaceforhelp.org/individual%20counseling.html (USA) 3) Leaving domestic abuse (in Scotland only): http://scotland.shelter.org.uk/getadvice/advice_topics/families_and_households/domestic_abuse/leaving_domestic_abuse 4) Getting Out: http://www.calderdale-online.org/html/community/domestic_violence.html 5) Groups Discussing men abuse survivor | Yahoo! Groups: http://groups.yahoo.com/phrase/men-abuse-survivor As some of the above articles have outlined, part of the “escape plan” include: …..If you experience physical abuse that left bruises or other injuries, document them. Report to the police, keep copies of the health and police records. …..If you have dependents (children), make sure they are out of harms way (the sooner the better) …..If you important documents that you would need for your future life (without your partner), try to secure them and get them out safely (with trusted friends for instance, or safe in a bank) …..If you have joint property assets, talk to a lawyer/solicitor about your entitlement. Get legal aid advice if you can’t afford it, or get a lawyer who is familiar with abuse cases. …..If you can get access to advice from professionals running a shelter (for abused women and children), find out what else you need to talk about with your lawyers/police/doctors/social workers ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------+++ SHELTERS+++Depending on where you live, some of the shelters for abused women have information on the net, such as: 1) Crisis Centers and Victims Services (throughout the US): http://www.baytulamanah.net/domesticviolenceshelters.htm and http://www.rhiannon3.net/help.cfm 2) Domestic Abuse Directory (UK): http://www.northtyneside.gov.uk/pls/portal/NTC_PSCM.PSCM_Web.download?p_ID=224659 3) Refuge: http://www.refuge.org.uk/ 4) Rights of Women (UK): http://www.row.org.uk/links.php ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------+++SUMMARY+++ Please break this vicious cycle of abusive behavior! Don’t let your children grow up in an abusive home and thinking that abuse is a *normal* way of life – hence will continue to practice this abusive behavior as s/he becomes an adult and has his/her own family. Break the cycle! Break the chain that bound you! Take back and embrace your positive power back! We are all human beings, and our rights for our well being are protected universally. Be the strong, positive, independent, caring, passionate, bubbly, confident person that you were once before. God Bless! * * * After healing comes living * * *
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alcoholic, drugs, emotionally abusive, move on, period, the internet, violent, workplace Reply to this Article
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reader, tj no 1 +, writes (23 July 2009):
Some excellent references shame you can't press on the link to take you to a relevant web-page.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): Cat, great article - just something to add maybe is how you will feel when you manage to escape from a thug. e.g. guilty at first etc.
Star.x.
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