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*ubiansouljer
writes:Hi, here is my story, I was in a two year relationship with Jeanie, who had a 3 yr old daughter, Joan. Our relationship ended. I maintained a loving relationship with the little girl Joan and with her family. Later, although not together as a couple Jeanie and I had a child James, there is also another child of mine Derrick Jr. Jeanie and I are still not together as a couple or family. The little girl Joan and I have a good daddy daughter relationship and she calls me daddy. Enter my new girl friend, Nellie. We have known each other for 20 years, then (20yrs ago) we were engaged and lost a child. Because I knew the family when Nellie was married, Nellie's four children call me uncle Derrick. The biggest problem that Nellie has is that she says that she cannot understand why I want to have a relationship with Joan. Joan is a tie to my past and my ex, I should have let her go when the relationship with her mother ended. She also worries that I will not be able to be there for her kids if needed because I will be too busy running around with Joan, not any of the others just Joan. On several occasions she has asked me to do something for or with her children and I was there, no problem. Nellie wants me to have nothing to do with Joan. (1) Nellie says that because I have not told Joan that I am not her biological dad that I am lying to her an our relationship (Joan and me) is a lie. (2) Nellie wants for her and me to see each other only on days when Joan is not around and Joan cannot spend the night at her house. My other children can. (3) Nellie does not want Joan to call me daddy.(4) Since I rebel at not seeing Joan at all, Nellie says that I can only see Joan every other weekend when I pick up my other children, she does not want any extracurricular activities or visitation. Nothing to help Jeanie out in case something pops up. Nellie says that our visitations should remain very strict and scheduled.There is no relationship with me and the mother of the children. We are all trying to be parents. There was some words between Nellie and Jeanie but that was not really settled . No apologies were made and I know there is some animosity on Nellie's part. It is justified. I also know that Jeanie wanted to be a couple with me, I did not and do not want that. All I want, is to have a relationship with Joan and to have that relationship to be as easy and natural as any parent and child, for Nellie and I, to blend our families and be a family. I had a talk with Joans' mom (Jeanie), grand mom and grand dad, as adults we all agreed that I could stay a stable part of Joan life, regardless of what Jeanie does or marries in the future. I agree that Jeanie and I should talk to the little girl about who her real dad is (he is not in the picture at all). I feel that at 5 yrs it is a little too young and that her calling me daddy is not a bad thing. Further, at this point in time almost 3 years in she (Joan) cannot grasp calling me anything else and I am not comfortable with much else, no first names, also I cannot go from daddy to uncle...I love Nellie with my entire being and at one point was able to see a life for together as a blended family. You can imagine I have left a lot out, my feelings are changing because of all the fighting about Joan. The only thing we have ever fought about in a year of what could have been bliss together. We are currently not seeing each other again, we have broken up several times over this, and I feel that this time it is permanent. Nellie has never treated Joan badly but you can feel the tension from Nellie whenever the two of them are in the room, and I am losing my trust for Nellie to be objective when it comes to Joan. Do you think we can work it out and marry, should I stay away for good. Can someone explain better than me the reason people have relationships of this kind. I think that Nellie needs that to make her a better person.Here are the questions that I need help with, (1) should I stay with the love of my life and stop the relationship with Joan? (2)If I stop the relationship with Joan how do I maintain the relationship with my son when as he gets older, "dad, can Joan come too?" and I have to say no because Nellie won't allow it? I participate in everything with that child, family events and all just like I do with the other child Derrick Jr.(3) Should I tell Nellie to grow up at 45 and realize that she is throwing away the love of her life over a title(daddy) and a 5 yr old child that I love, that as a father and a man and an adult that I should be able to do the things that a dad does with all of the children hers as well as mine and even one that is not mine.Guidance please, be hard on us both, please, we need it!
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reader, sarahrose20  +, writes (17 September 2010):
no one i repeat NO ONE can tell you not to love an innocent little girl. nellie needs to back off and realize that just because there is no blood relation does not mean you are not her father. being a father is more than being a sperm donor. i would also tell jeanie to back off just because you love her daughter does not mean you love her. it sounds like she is very effectively using joan to make nellie jealous. you may not see or be able to pick up on this as she would not want to make it known to you. you have to tell her that you will not tolerate it and if she continues you will be forced no matter how hurtful it is to let joan go. it sounds like nellie is willing to except the fact that you love joan but she doesnt want you to show her special treatment over your biological children as that would mean you still have feelings for your ex. you must explain to her that this is not the case and that blood could not make you closer to this little girl who was too younge to remember you not being in her life. in all senses you are her father except for the initial conception.
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