A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So i am in serious help and i need some opinions on what to do. Ive been in a relationship with this guy for 2 years now! It started off perfect and i was happier than ever! I live in Texas and he is living in Oklahoma. We are actually 15 years apart (me 20 him 35) so it makes things difficult at times. He also has a son with another woman who he gets half of the time. Now our plans were to move in together at the end of this year. I was going to leave my family behind and move in with him in Oklahoma. But things started to change between us and i think the age difference is really starting to show now. We are at such different levels right now. He wants to settle down and have kids and get married while Im just trying to focus on college. Now he wants me to have a career and be successful.. But he wants me to have his choice of career. He never went to college so he really wants me to finish it asap so we can both be making good money together. But my dream was to always work with animals. I know its hard since it doesn't bring you lots of money so i gave up on that dream and he talked me into doing something in the medical field. So now Im taking classes to be an ultrasound technician which i don't want to do. But that is still not the most important issue. I am from Germany, i was born and raised there but moved to america when i was 12. I still have my grandparents and my oldest brother, sister in law and nephew there. I miss them like crazy. And for the past year i've been thinking about traveling, especially back to Germany. My biggest dream ever since i was little was to travel. I have such a passion for life and this world and theres nothing more i want to do than live in a different country for a while and learn about their culture and then go somewhere else. I have had opportunities to travel now to be an au pair in France Germany and Italy but i turned them all down so far for him. We just got into a huge fight about it because he doesn't want me to travel. He called me an ungrateful bitch and selfish and says I should be traveling with him and not by myself. But he cant do it. He has a full time job and a son he would leave behind, and never in my whole life would i ask him to do that! So i don't see how i am being selfish! He always tells me my dreams are stupid and impossible and traveling is a waste of time. But it is my dream and i feel like i need to do it or else i will regret it for the rest of my life and that will just tear us apart. Our relationship has gone downhill so much and i feel like i cant tell him anything anymore since he doesn't support any of my opinions. Now he says its my fault and i need to just move to Oklahoma with him and finish college and that will make me happy. But i know it wont! I am not the type of girl who wants to have kids right now. I want to explore the world and learn about myself and fall in love with myself. They always say you cant love someone until you truly love yourself. Well i don't feel that way. At this moment i am not happy with myself and i feel like if i got to live my dream and travel it would make me happy. But Im also scared if thats not what i end up wanting and i will regret leaving him. Things are bad now but they used to be perfect before i started having these dreams. Its just hard to let go of someone you spend the last two years with. Im so used to it now. And whenever we fight he blames everything on me. Im just scared to end it because he told me if i do this and leave he wont wait for me. He said its selfish for me to expect him to wait because he will get lonely and move on. I need help because i don't want to waste anymore time on this!! My family and friends support me 100% and want me to do this but he is the only thing holding me back.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 December 2014):
 When I read your post I felt sorry for you. Because NO ONE should go so against their dreams and personal wishes to PLEASE a partner.
To me, it really reads as if he CHOSE a younger woman so he can MOLD and SHAPE her into HIS ideal of a wife/woman. That what she (you) want, hope and dream off is MUCH less important. YOU are to be a personal EXTENSION of him, not your own person.
He wants YOUR whole world to REVOLVE around him.
Don't give up travelling or even choice of career for a guy. ANY guy.
As someone who traveled a LOT in my childhood and youth, I can say that WITHOUT doubt the longing for seeing new places , will never go away over time, if you HAVE the opportunity to do it, GO FOR it. Once you REALLY find your match (and sorry, this guy ISN'T it) you will not regret having traveled.
If this guy had the BEST intentions for you, HE would LET you FLY. He would want you to SOAR. He would SUPPORT your dreams. He isn't and he doesn't. HE is ONLY looking out for himself.
I'm sorry. This relationship is so uneven with HIM having ALL the power and treating you, like YOU don't really matter, because HE is older and thus MUST know better. WRONG!
TRUST in your family and friends, they TRULY want what is BEST for you. And TRUST in yourself.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (17 December 2014):
 This sounds to me like a bum deal. The age difference is too great. He's not going to throw away his whole family and start over again to fulfill your dreams. You need a "plan B" here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much guys. I know what the right decision is, but it just feels good to have some support and have people tell you 3
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (16 December 2014):
 Follow your dreams. Never let someone else chose your profession in life because its what they wanted to do. You won't be happy. I gave up a 4 year paid scholarship to be a nurse to marry a man 10 years older than me. At the time I thought it was a good idea. I wound up getting a job that paid well but I couldn't stand, having another child before I was ready (I dont regret that but I wanted to wait a few years), and in the end was pretty miserable. It took me almost 20 years to finally go back to college and get my degree for what I wanted. This was after a bitter divorce.
My guy went to college to become a heart surgeon because it was what his dad wanted him to do. He also got married because his family told him it was time. He wound up in a miserable marriage with a job he couldn't stand and stuck in a country he didn't want to be in. After a divorce and much humiliation he finally told his family he was going to pursue his dreams whether they liked it or not. All because he wanted to make others happy.
Life is short. Make yourself happy. Do the things you want to do while you can, and have no ties. The man is rude, controlling and really doesn't have your best interests at heart. You're only 20 honey...there's plenty of men out there..don't settle for this one.
Pursue your dreams..and be happy!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2014): If you said this guy is some sort of prince, living in a castle, who doesn't call you names, treats you with respect no matter what, is himself educated and worldly, with no baggage as you don't carry any yourself, who supports you 100% as your family and friends do, and will do anything to watch you carry out your dreams and will always love you no matter how far away you decide to go with your travels, who himself has the freedom and the means to keep up with the lifestyle you want, to visit you in Germany, maybe even whisk you off to Morocco for a weekend getaway, then I would most certainly tell you that you've got a keeper! And would be foolish to pass him up. But this guy? An old, uneducated, single dad from Oklahoma, who didnt do much with his life, who calls you names when he is mad, and tries to control your decisions and prevent you from achieving your dreams and goals? This guy is nothing but an ANCHOR. If you don't ditch this guy and go live your life as you dream, you are going to regret it. The lifestyle this guy wants to offer you is garbage. The first guy I described is the type of guy that someone like you deserves. So go fall in love with yourself so that in turn the more appropriate guy will fall in love with you and you'll have met your MATCH.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (16 December 2014):
Pick your dream. This guy sounds horribly controlling. You'll miss him for a while but ultimately you won't regret leaving him. One day you'll realise what a lucky escape you've had.
Enjoy your travels!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 December 2014):
 I got to the part where it said you were taking training to be an ultrasound tech that HE wants you to do and you don't want to do and I stopped reading.
DO WHAT YOU WANT. DO NOT be controlled by a man who is trying to mold you to be what he wants needs.
staying in this relationship will be heartbreak for you down the road.
what we want at 20 is not what we want at 29.... trust me.
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