A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a bit of a problem..My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost two years now. I'm 25 and he's 24. Our relationship started out as long-distance for eight months until he moved away from his small home town, family, friends, and a job he loved to the big city to be with me. Our relationship was perfect in long-distance it seemed like. There were zero trust issues and we constantly strived to make time for one another and show each other how much we cared.As with every relationship, the Honeymoon Phase wore off, and the constant sweet words and kind gestures did too, especially once we were living together and saw each other every day. There were a couple instances where he would go out with friends, not communicate with me, omit details about certain things, and intentionally turn every argument around to be my fault so that he wouldn't have to own up to his actions. Every argument would end up with me apologizing and begging his forgiveness, but for the most part, we were good.This past year in our relationship has been severely heartbreaking. I found out that throughout our relationship, he had had online profiles and had been chatting with/texting/sending and receiving pictures from various random girls on the internet. I found out about it back in February and asked him to delete everything and stop chatting with other girls. He said he would. Two-and-a-half (happy) months later I found out it was still going on worse than I had originally thought. It killed me, and nearly destroyed us.Eight months down the road, and I'm still hurting over it. He's deleted everything: all social networking sites, all messaging apps/profiles. He's given me complete access to his phone, his laptop, his e-mail. He hasn't gone out since then and only works and spends time with me (at home or dates or errands). He's doing all he can to build my trust back. We still fight a lot because I'm still extremely hurt, and we've nearly broken up recently over me not being able to move past it, but I'm trying.Now the issue that I'm writing about: Gaming. I've dated guys who play video games in the past. It's nothing new to me. My brother played, my nephew plays - I played when I was a kid. My boyfriend isn't a "hardcore" gamer by any means. He doesn't spend every waking hour playing them, but it eats up a LOT of his/our time. He mainly tries to play when I'm doing something on my own (getting ready, at work, running errands, asleep) so that we can still spend time together, which I appreciate.However, the issue is that our sleep schedules are drastically different. I, a lot of the time, have to be to work at 6:30 a.m. His work schedule is sporadic and he doesn't often work in the mornings. Plus we only get one (if that) day a week off together. He often times stays up past when I go to bed (9:30-10:00 p.m.) to play. This means that he is up until 3:00 or 4:00 a.m. There have been times when he's still playing when I leave for work, or until 8:00 a.m. (as I'm typing this..). He'll then sleep a good portion of the day away and then turn around and play it again until (or after) I get home. Sometimes when he goes to play it to kill 20 to 30 minutes, it turns into a two- to three-hour gaming session that I just have to kill time through. He says that he likes it when I stay out in the living room with him and keep him company, but if I ever try to interact with him, he's zoned in with his buddies online and doesn't respond. Times when I'm occasionally able to stay up a bit later to actually spend time with him, he's either got part of the gameplay that's newly released coming out at 2:00 a.m., so he just kills time with me until then, or he's too tired to stay up and do something with me.I don't think it's the actual act of "gaming" that annoys me. I've told him my insecurities about him staying up really late, because it reminds me a lot of this past year when he was up and hiding all kinds of hurtful things from me. He's offered to leave his phone/laptop in the room with me all night while he plays if it would help, but that still doesn't stop the irritation.Whenever I get on his case about it, he says that he'll just stop playing entirely and sell his consoles, or he'll just go to bed with me every night even when he's not tired. But I don't want him to stop playing entirely. He doesn't go out and spend time with friends or do anything like that anymore because he knows how much it makes me insecure, although I've told him that even though it worries me, he's still able to do those things. He would just rather not it even be an issue, and he says he's done with that scene anyway. I'm not sure what I should ask him to compromise about the gaming, because he's already done so much to help us get past how much he hurt me this year. If anyone has any suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2014): How much longer is he going to be punished until you forgive him?Chatting with other women was nasty, and then he really did screw up by lying again but 8 months have now passed. If he is unable to have a life and is bound to you because you no longer trust him then you two need to go your separate ways.You cannot have a relationship where all you see is each other. You either believe he has changed and move forward or you decide that you can't trust him again and it's the end.You have an issue with him gaming, which I would put down to being a materialisation of your anger towards him for hurting you before. He doesn't go out with friends, he works and he is at home. That is shit life, excuse my language, but no matter what he did you shouldn't be expecting him to be at home all the time as part of a way to prove himself.This happens in relationships, they run their course. Things might have been great at the start, while it was long distance and initially when moving in together but as you are finding out perhaps you are just no longer compatible. You see the sides of people you hadn't previously when you live together.You say you've said he can go out and do those things, but he's not bothering. He is likely trying to keep the peace but it's seriously unhealthy for you both.A relationship should, the majority of the time, be ADDING something to your life; love, happiness, friendship, laughter, fun, comfort. Lose this and what's the point in continuing? Being hurt and still feeling hurt is good to no-one.You've got to have a real hard think about where this relationship is going. Can you see yourself not worrying IF he ever goes out again, are you going to hold what he did against him whenever there is something wrong in the relationship? If so, you need to end this. You'll just give yourself more pain by staying. Lots of people, if their partner did what he did, would have just ended it there and then. You've tried to forgive and evidently it's not going too well, because it just sounds like you're annoyed with whatever he might do. He doesn't go out and his time playing games is bothering you - but he literally has nothing else to fill his life. You are going to work and coming home to him and expecting him to give you his full attention, but you need other interest too and need your friends outside of the relationship.My husband and I have our separate friends, I study outside of work and have very academic interests where as he works out and enjoys the gym and his friends there. Together we have similarities but it is our differences that give us things to talk about, we learn from each other, we laugh about what each other has gone out and done whilst with our friends and because of our time apart at work or with friends we have lots to talk about when we are together. If our lives were work and home it would be very boring. Times where things are quieter then we do find ourselves even at home doing separate things, he might play ps4 where as I go and read or play an instrument. You need your space from each other even when you love each other more than anything. It's just healthy.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 December 2014):
 For me, when I read your post, I don't really understand why gaming is a bigger issue than his "philandering" lifestyle of chatting/flirting with other women online.
I am a gamer, I play a few hours here and there, it is my "reward" at times when I'm done with chores before the kids get home from school. I have actively gamed (MMO's) for 17 years. My husband is one too, and like SVC he is a type B (nightowl) and I'm a type A. On his days off, he stays up til 4-5 am and sleeps til 2-3 pm, while I'm up early (as are the kids) and I go to bed earlier then him. We still make it work.
I honestly think whatever brought you to together initially, is no longer the reality. I think you stayed for the wrong reasons. What he did (cheating) was detrimental to the relationship. HE tore down a cornerstone and now other things are falling like dominoes.
I believe when trust is gone, everything else starts to erode. UNLESS BOTH parties work at rebuilding it. Of course AS HE was the one to "ruin" your trust he should do the MAJORITY of work, and I think he is trying, but I also think he is RESENTING you for finding out. For seeing him as LESS than perfect. And YOU are resenting him for NOT owning up to what he did.
So trust is gone. YOU now nitpick other areas of him, to me that seems like you are LOOKING for reasons to end it. YOU aren't happy as things stand, not just because of the gaming, but because without trust you have realized that other areas are lacking.
Stopping him from going out with friend IS not helping either. HIS whole world shouldn't revolve around YOUR insecurities.
ONLINE LDR's can seem perfect, living together... is a whole other story.
I think YOU need to figure out of what you have is worth WORKING on and fixing or if it is time to call it quits.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 December 2014):
 Here's how I see this...
He was unfaithful by communicating with other women while with you. It sounds like his "crimes" had to do with internet online communication.
So, I'm wondering why he no longer is able to go out with friends if that isn't how he cheated. No relationship will survive unless it can "breathe", meaning both people have fully realized lives. Otherwise, he'll eventually hit a wall and either act out or you both will break up.
He committed the offenses. He has gone out of his way to help you rebuild your trust. It's within your right to not be able to get past it, but if this is the case after 8 months and you're still at square 1 emotionally, then letting him go is the best thing for both of you.
To rebuild your relationship takes both of you, you ALL IN committed and him ALL IN committed. He has gone all in, even becoming transparent in the areas he did NOT betray you in. You've made your choice to continue with him, so there are leaps of faith you will eventually have to extend.
Gaming is one of them.
If you put pressure on him because you're scared that his late night will automatically mean he'll cheat on you again, especially in light of his not going out anywhere and killing all of his social media, where is it going to go? What do you think will happen? Suffocation. That is not good for a relationship.
Best thing to do is still schedule dates with each other. How often do you do that?? How often do you go out on the town? I'm not talking about spontaneous trips to a takeout and then back home, I'm talking about special dates. Because truthfully, you mentioned the honeymoon phase, which is a two-way street. The sweet words and gestures are both ways.
You're not the only one with insecurities. His stems from ego. He went the wrong path with the girls and the profiles. You went the wrong path with emotionally shutting down after arguments. If you're still constantly fighting now after 8 months, his issue with ego still exists. You may benefit from talking to a counselor, because it sounds like you went from LDR to living together, which is a massive adjustment period and tough to pull off.
The mistake people make is in assuming that when you live together, that qualifies as "time".
What about this:
"There were a couple instances where he would go out with friends, not communicate with me, omit details about certain things, and intentionally turn every argument around to be my fault so that he wouldn't have to own up to his actions."
What does this mean?? Which details would he omit, and most importantly, were your trust issues there before you saw his other profiles? Also, was he actively communicating with these other women while you were dating and living together, or were they all there before he was with you??
When my husband goes out with his friends, I don't make him tell me what went down. I don't expect that he will call me while he's out, and I don't expect a rundown of who all was there and everyone he talks to. Absence makes the heart grow fonder in my opinion. If you have a guy who cheats, he'll do it if you interrogate him and he'll do it if you trust him.
Your real issue is - if you can't make as much effort to rebuilding this relationship, and that means that throwing what he did in his face every time you fight has to stop, then you can't work. He'll either act out, or there will be an explosion fight and then a breakup.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 December 2014):
 so is it the gaming that bugs you or the fact that you are a morning person and he's a night owl?
we have the same issue my spouse and I. He's a gamer both of board games and an MMO. I do not play MMO games and I leave him to his games and to be honest i'm happy to have him game and I sit in the same room with my kindle and the tv and I am there if he needs me but usually we just kind of have what is called in the toddler world as "parallel play" both there in the same room but doing our own thing. IT works for us.
Often I go to bed around 9:30 or so and naturally wake up around 5 most mornings. He comes up around 2:30 or three and joins me during the week.
ON the weekends, we pass in the hall sometimes.. me getting up and him on his way to bed... we kiss and laugh and I say "your turn in the bed" and I go about my day.
THIS works for us. If it's not working for you, you may have to consider that your lifestyles and your bio-clocks are not compatible.
I would love my husband to get a more normal schedule but his pulmonary doctor explained that his bio clock is set to be more functional for him later in the day and to change it will not help his health. So we deal.
Since you have trust issues with this guy already, and the life style is not working out... you need to consider that it's a compatibility issue.
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