A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Help, I am married and I think my co-worker and I are falling for each other.I started a new job in a new country about 5 months ago. It was the first job I had in a long time where I've really enjoyed my colleagues and the work I've been doing, and its really made me feel energized and happy.In particular, there is someone I work closely with on a day to day basis who in the last 2 months I have developed very strong feelings for. We got to know each other personally as we have to travel together and work closely on organizing projects together. At first I was really impressed by how smart he is - I note that I am a person who is extremely intellectually curious and rarely meet people I feel like I can have discussions about the sort of things I find interesting - and he is so much fun and interesting to talk to and I find our discussions really stimulating. He also has an extremely lovely personality and is always happy and nice to everyone, and everyone in the office loves him.At first I didn't think of him in a 'romantic'way as I am truly happily married, but I think about 3 months ago I noticed he started giving me a lot of attention - telling me he missed me when I was away from the office as work was 'boring' without me and I really noticed that his face really lit up every morning when I came into the office. It was at this time I started to 'crush'on him. Then disaster: we were put on the same team (and same living quarters) during a week-long company trip and we had the most amazing time - I never laughed so much in my life and it was so much fun. After that trip, it has been so obvious we both really like each other and can't seem to stay away from each other as we enjoy each other's company so so much. I have no doubt that he has a crush on me, and I even slightly suspect that he had arranged to make sure I was in his team during that trip.Now I have to plan a 1.5 week trip with him for work that will take place in a few weeks and I am very afraid of what will happen when its just the two of us alone together. I feel weak at the knees when I am around him and if he even attempts to make a move I feel like I am just going to melt. I know logically that if anything like that were to happen, it could never really go anywhere because of how messy it would be - being married and co-workers! The worst is that I have a truly amazing gorgeous husband. We get on so well and I do love him so much. I'd say that he is not fulfilling my 'intellectual needs' but I have always thought it unrealistic to try and fulfill all one's needs in a single person, so I have always been happy getting my fill of that through other friends, etc and I think that is just fine. I mention this as maybe this is the only trigger I can think of why I am attracted to someone else who has the one thing my husband does not.The even worse part is that no matter how much I know doing anything would be wrong to my husband, I can only think about my own selfish needs and it seems to not be a concern in my head which is making this situation hell for me. I wish I could feel guilty or wrong and make the right decision, but I do not feel this way, and feel completely overpowered by my emotions. I actually think I am falling in love with my co-worker, and it doesn't help that it clearly seems to be mutual. I think I have a major weakness in that I have never been one with strong will power and setting boundaries, so this now has been especially hard. I am looking for advice on how I can change my thinking, or to help me prevent myself from going all the way. I really dont want to mess up my marriage or my great new job - but also part of me is convinced that if I don't get caught then what's the harm? At the moment the relationship is making me feel so alive and its wonderful, its so hard to make my emotional brain see how it could all go wrong.Thanks for listening.xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): Lilly Rose has an ulterior motive for you to have sex with another man.
she wants to see you destroyed in the process. it's up to you but read carefully what she is advocating.
destruction, destruction and devastating results.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): You may have decided for now - to leave this c0-worker alone - well that's good - but it doesn't change the fact that you got so close - there is something going on within you that you need to address - or sooner or later you WILL cheat. I wholeheartedly believe this. Go and see a therapist - get insight into what this "crush" was providing for you, what is perhaps lacking in your life that is making you vulnerable to your own neediness....do it for your sake and for the sake of the man you loved enough to walk down the ailse with and commit to. Talk to someone now before it is too late to turn back.
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A
female
reader, Lilly Rose  +, writes (12 May 2009):
 Well the term "if i dont get caught whats the harm" i agree but you have alot to lose.....remember life is short, maybe its time for you to be selfish and enjoy yourself as before you know it your turn around and look back on life and if you have just settled for nothing then your regret it....if you want some excitement GO for it!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): wow, i am glad the other aunts here was able to help you and also clear your mind here.
sometimes i wonder whether the original posters ever do heed the advice given here or just go ahead and commit their "crimes of passion" even though they have been given invaluable advice. 3 cheers to you!!!!
perhaps i can add this as well, your h/b now needs a boost in his life, you know the male pride thing, so perhaps make a special outing/weekend away with him. pamper him and in return i am sure he will return the favour - shower you with (lust), love, positive energies, and warmth.
i wish you all the best in your marriage. i know you will have some bad (temptation days) but you should keep all these responses handy just to remind you what you will loose and actually how good you have it at the moment.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): I just wanted to thank everyone for all the great thoughtful answers to my post. It's really helped jolt me out of my reverie and to better think about the awful consequences, which is exactly what I need right now.I came to this forum because I felt so alone with my feelings, and it isn't the sort of thing I felt I could share with anyone, so i do appreciate your responses.I know deep down that many of you are right on - I have been loving the attention, especially after having moved somewhere new where I don't have many friends and it has been so nice to connect with someone. Also my husband has been lately dissatisfied with himself and his career achievements (which is in his head as i think he's done well and should be happy with what he has - i always tell him this) and talks about moving away to start over again (something he has a habit of doing - we have moved 5 times in 4 different countries in our 6 years of marriage as a result of this wanderlust). I think this has led me to fantasize about a stable relationship with someone here and now. But of course its a fantasy, and I am sure you are all correct in that spending energy on this fantasy is not going to do anything to help the relationship I am currently in. My husband is wonderful and I would be a complete fool to mess it up. Thanks everyone for your help - I feel much better now about handling the situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): Hi, I am glad you came here first and all the other Cupids have given you good advice and as you can see some of them are advicing you on their own painfull experiances. One story that always springs to mind and I follow to this day and would advice to read or even contact her is Mae5 "My paramour used me sex" 18th Septenber last year and she still posts to this day, please read her story as it is similiar to where you are and see where it took her too, not a nice place and I'm sure you would not wish to end the same way.Stop and search these pages on DC and I think you will not go to that place. Good Luck and I hope you live happily ever after. Without ruining the rest of your life.
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A
female
reader, louise100 +, writes (6 May 2009):
I agree with the others, dont get sexually involved with this man. You will regret it. Someone always gets hurt in the end - I know that you are receiving a lot of attention and are enjoying the romanitic flirting - who wouldn't BUT if you go too far you will regret it.
think how many lives you would ruin if it happened and you got caught? Can you live with the guilt? I dont think so.
You are lucky to have a lovely husband and I think you are a bit bored. Marriage is a bit boring. So I suggest that you liven it up and book a nice weekend away with your husband and get jiggy with him instead, he will be delighted. Also look around for another job.
When you are on your business trip if the co worker does come on to tell him that you are happily married and although you are, of course very flattered, you love your husband and could not live with yourself if you were unfaithful to him. That way the co worker is not rejected too hard so you dont fall out with him and you have a happy husband.
You might also like to go, on your own, and talk this over with a councellor to discuss this problem with and see if you can improve your relationship with your husband.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): Grimmreality is spot on, affairs cause a lot more pain and hurt in the long run than they ever provide fullfilment at the time,read this site it is full of broken hearts caused by affairs, yours will be broken in the end, your husband will never feel the same again, family and friends will change oppinions and then we will see how the OM reacts when he has had his way and the s--t hits the fan, and all for what a crush a bit of sex on the side.
Most woman need or end up with some sort of feelings but that can easily change the minute you feel used, dumped or any of the bad things that will come your way when it is over.
Then there is the guilt and if hubby finds out, living the rest of your life knowing you lied cheated anf destroyed another persons life and also that may be how you are left feeling when the OM gets over the fact that he has had you and wants a little bit of different excitement in his life.
Go there at your own peril but in most cases no long term or real good comes out of an affair,all it is a lifetime of guilt and regret. I know I have been where you are and how I regret it all years later, yes years later.It destroyed my life and left me with a whole lot less than I started with by which I mean my dignity, pride and husband who has now happily settled with someone else and I can now see how much I lost because I cheated behind his back.I hope you don't come back here like I do on a regular basis telling me how heartbroken and used you feel. I wish I had put as much into my marriage and sorting it out as I did into cheating.NOT WORTH IT.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (6 May 2009):
 You are justifying this.Do you realize how you will destroy your marriage and another innocent person's life by what you are considering?and for your co-worker to know you are married and continue this charade is reprehensible.YOU CANT FIND LOVE IN YOUR MARRIAGE IF YOU ARE SEEKING LOVE OUTSIDE OF IT! This guy being intellectual and smart is a pretty selfish reason to even consider this...You should be smarter than this too.You better tell your hubby right away, and if you have any respect for your husband, you will be also changing your employment situation. Because the marriage is doomed unless you do. You've already seen to that! You can't possibly think anything good is going to come out of this other than unnecessary pain.Spend a tenth of the amount of time on your marriage that you do thinking about a co-worker and you might begin to see that the problem is not with your husband, but it is with YOU! Come clean now and cancel this trip. I tell it like it is, and I tell you now if you continue down this path, you will be back here in a few months time, bemoaning the fact that you can't believe that this all turned out so badly. Think about someone other than YOURSELF!Intellectual needs, indeed...pffft!
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A
female
reader, LadyG +, writes (6 May 2009):
I really think that its the excitement of getting attention from another man I really think you should just leave it at that its not worth your marriage especially if your happy just leave it as a work flirt.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 May 2009):
 If you don't get caught what's the harm????? Lady you need a reality check. You may be feeling so alive right now but when, and it will happen, you get caught out you will wish you were dead. Imagine the look on your husband's face when he finds out he's married to an adulteress. That should cure your crush.
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A
female
reader, catgirl222222 +, writes (5 May 2009):
 This is a classic problem, and not one without solutions. First of all, you should consider what you have. Your amazing husband- would you be able to live with losing him? And if this new relationship doesn't work out, where does that leave you?
I believe you should talk to your co-worker. As you two are clearly comfortable with each other, you should discuss your feelings and tell him that you are not going to proceed with a romantic relationship. Tell him you love your husband, which you obviously do. But it would be great for you two to remain friends, because a great friends are hard to come by. If you do not feel at ease talking to him directly about it, you can continue having fun with your co-worker, but do not engage in anything remotely romantic because this equals temptation. I'm not saying avoid him, no, but make it clear you only want to be his friend. Do you really see anything good coming out of an affair? Good luck.
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