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female
,
anonymous
writes: I would love Bev to answer this please, and of course anyone else willing to help. I am a 17 year old girl and I need some advice. I have no trouble meeting guys and getting asked out on dates; however when it actually comes to these dates I get so nervous I can't eat, sleep and sometimes even end up cancelling because I am so nervous! I am not a shy person and do not get this nervous in things such as exams etc. so I do not see what my problem is! Please help because this is really runing my relationship life. xxx
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female
reader, Peasle  +, writes (2 August 2005):
All dates are nerve wracking. Even for the most confident person. I used to suffer terribly from nerves on dates - just as you do. Couldn't eat, felt physically sick.
It's OK to tell the person that you're nervous. He'll be feeling exactly the same - and will probably say so. It's not weakness, it's normal.
As Bev said, examine what you are scared of. I found it helped me to think that I am totally in control - that stopped the nerves. If it was awful, I could just go home. If he was rude, I could just go home. If I felt really bad and nervous, I could just go home.
Also, remembering that I am on the date to have a nice time and see what I think of the person - rather than feeling that I am there to be judged by him.
I also always have a couple of topics in mind in case the conversation ever runs dry.
I hope this helps!!
A
female
reader, charliesgirl +, writes (1 August 2005):
Dating is nerve-racking, I've just recently started dating again but I'm having great fun with it!
On the first date I attended I was ridiculously nervous, even though I wasn't particularly interested in my date. Being in an unfamiliar place with an unfamiliar person can be quite unnerving. However, the more dates I went on, the easier it got to where I've got to the stage now where I don't even think about it before I meet someone.
I would advise you to go on as many dates as possible, though I must advise caution, always meet in a public place, don't reveal your personal details and ensure you tell a trusted friend where and when you are meeting your date and have enough taxi fare/petrol to get home. However, if you go on a date with someone that you don't imagine you'll like it will take some of the pressure off you to try too hard to impress, and you may even be pleasantly surprised!
I must just emphasise though, be careful and make sure that you let a friend or trusted relative know where you are going, and on your safe return.
Dates can be nerve-racking but the more dates you go on, the easier it will become. See the date as an opportunity to have a night out with a new person, and not necessarily as a crucial test of your relationship-worthiness. Seeing the date this way will hopefully ease the pressure from yourself.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (1 August 2005):
 Have you tried to step back and analyse why you get so nervous? What's it really about? What's your mental "worst case scenario"?
I suggest that you're anxious out of insecurity about some aspect of your personality and/or have mild-to-moderate self-esteem issues. Maybe you're afraid that you'll be rejected, or maybe you're concerned that you won't be adequate company to the guys who are asking you out.
Think hard about what you could imagine as being the very worst outcome of a date. (Barring unecpected horrors that are completely out of your control, obviously.) Then decide if you think it's possible that it could happen, or even if it's likely. If there's some chance that you think it could happen, try to imagine ways to nip the problem in the bud. And if it's not at least *likely*, then resolve that you won't worry about it.
For example, let's imagine you were worried that you'd get drunk and do something regrettable and that the guy would never speak to you again. You might then resolve that you'd be especially moderate (or teetotal) in your drinking, until you were sure you could trust yourself. You'd ensure that you spaced your drinks and had plenty of water only, etc.
If your nightmare scenario involves a mean-spirited date who says awful things about your appearance - well, first you'd ask yourself why you'd go out with someone like that - then you'd remind yourself that the men who ask you out really want to get to know you. They're genuinely attracted to you. They already have a favourable slant towards you. The chances of them being horrible and rude is fairly small.
In short, apply your keenest logic to your fears. Pick them apart. Keep asking yourself "Would that actually happen?" until you reach the point where you can see that most of your nervousness is due to groundless worries.
Then try to remember that your date is probably nervous, too! Meeting someone under the harsh scrutiny of the world of dating is terribly stressful and he's probably at *least* as anxious as you are. Maybe that's a way to break the ice! Perhaps you should admit that you've been nervous before your date, but explain that that's because you're looking forward to it. That small admission should cover a multitude of sins.
Good luck!
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