A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for 7 1/2 years and we no longer have sex. The last time was in 2006. He says he loves me but doesn't want to be intimate at all. We've both gained about 40 lbs each over the last 6 years and he says we're too fat to have sex! Then one day out of the clear blue he brought the fact that we don't have sex is because the house is not straighted up and also because we're fat. We don't argue about much and he doesn't want to me to sleep in the same room with him because I snore sometimes. He also claims to have a low testosterone level but I have discovered him masterbating several times and found some explicit male magazines hidden in his nightstand. I want my marriage to work out but I can't imagine going without sex for the rest of my life. Maybe he's just not that into me? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): eyes-thanks for the advice. I have already started to make some positive changes along the lines you have suggested. I will be going to school and changing my career. My weight is a difficult struggle, I have very little will power when it comes to food...
Laura-I have never criticized him about our lack of sex, or anything of the nature. Actually, he knows that I enjoyed sex with him. I try to live by the golden rule. I treat people the way I would like to be treated with kindness and understanding. (If you didn't know I am the original poster of the question)
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (5 March 2010):
 "I probably am doing something that has caused this but without his input I am lost for what to do to fix it."
Sometimes, it is some unkind and hurtful words which can kill off a man's libido.
A man is very sensitive when it comes to his money, sexual performance or his tool. Any criticisms on those areas will hurt his pride and ego.
Some men may remember them for life and give up on sex or one day hopefully he will realize what he is missing in life and changes his course.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): the eyes have it.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 March 2010):
 Yep I'd listen to q, if I were you..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): Once again, I am the person who posed the question. I so appreciate the answers given. You are right DoubleM, it could be me. I have tried to discuss this with my husband and he says it's not me. We go on holidays together all the time and we have several hobbies in common that we are very actively pursuing together. I probably am doing something that has caused this but without his input I am lost for what to do to fix it. I have suggested counciling, he says it won't help. I needed other prospectives on this, all of the answers from the women are valuable also. Those ideas give me some ray of hope. Our relationship is more friendship for him and it is more for marriage for me. Even though I am in love with him I believe he loves me but he is not in love with me. Any more ideas? Has anyone else been in this situation?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 March 2010):
You know what I would do? I would vow (to myself)to lose every single ounce of excess weight, I would grow my hair out then get it styled in a manner I like and maybe some highlights, I would get pedicures, and manicures, some new fashionable clothes, clean up my house and rearrange the furniture the way I like it. Once you get your own life straighten out and heading in the direction you are happy with, then maybe he'll fall in line but if he doesn't you'll be ready to launch yourself out into the world and find a guy who will truly care for you and want to screw your brains out. Get going!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (4 March 2010):
Do not give up hope. I would advise you to fall in love again with him.Remember those days when you first met .
Go for holidays together and try to do more things together.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (4 March 2010):
 Well there is a problem when a man does not want to have intimate relations with his wife. It is true that either partner may be spoiling the mood, and the postings here may only be half the story. But that's all we have to go on, and we can only suggest based on the postings.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): I am the person who asked the question. I really appreciate all of the advice. Believe me I have tried quite a bit of it. I really believe that he is not attracted to me anymore. I accidentally walked out in front of him in a flesh colored bra to get a shirt in our laundry room and when he first saw me he winced and acted like he saw me nude and I was appalling to him. I wonder what will happen when we are old if we are still together. I see lots of signs like that. Doesn't matter if I am dressed up or not. He does not like to see me without make up on and I have to wear my hair very short or he complains. I just don't know...
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (4 March 2010):
With due respect to DoubleM, that's your perception.
In every actions , there is a reaction. You cannot isolate a problem and say it is the man's problem.She is also a part of the problem in the marriage.It needs two to tango.
Before we think others are wrong, we should first look inwardly and see if we are the one that is contributing to his behaviour.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (4 March 2010):
With all due respect to "Laura1318," I do not think that the poster is the problem here. I think the husband is the main problem based on the wife's explanation.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (4 March 2010):
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
If you want to effect any changes in your married life, you will have to change your perceptions about him .
If you carry on with the present perception of him , nothing will ever change.
First , you will need to change yourself . You could be having low self esteem and low self image issues about yourself. You will need to work on that . You can read more on the links posted below.
When he see's the change in your attitude and visual appearances, he will change too and you should keep the process on going.
It is going to be hard work but the efforts is worth the rewards.
reference.-
http://ezinearticles.com/?5-Symptoms-of-Low-Self-Esteem&id=2033643
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (4 March 2010):
Well this is probably more of a relationship issue than a sexual one, and I advise more on the sexual things. But sex is certainly not all that restrained by fat or weight. I'm rather trim, but have made love to women twice my size with intense pleasure, and mutual oral satisfaction is easily attained. There must be something else going on and a sexless marriage is not fully living.
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A
female
reader, this_years_love  +, writes (3 March 2010):
 I am not married, and never have been so I do not by any means understand the dynamics of marrige.
However, it sounds to me like he is insecure about the situation and takes it out on you.
He's gained weight too, maybe he feels HE is too fat to have sex?
Maybe he is embarassed you have let this no sex thing go for so long and wants to blame somebody.
I don't feel that weight gain can prevent sex-it shouldn't be allowed to.
I think there are likely a lot of deeper issues and he won't accept he's in the wrong at all and therefore places all the responsibility on your shoulders.
I suggest you try counselling and you can BOTH talk out your concerns with a mediator who will prevent the use of harsh language or him beating you down unfairly.
1/2 marriages fail.
1/2 survive.
which category do you want to be in? Think about that and come up with a plan to accomplish those goals.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2010): You are not too fat to have sex and both of you gaining a couple of stone shouldn't interfere with your affections that much if you love each other and if it does, you can go on an exercise and diet plan together. It sounds as though you have both got a bit complacent and less active?? Maybe you could try doing an activity together that you both like. Try to put the romance back by going out for dinner and if you really want to save your marriage and have a full marriage you could try going for marriage counselling? I get the feel that you are both in a bit of a rut and need to shake out of it. It is definitely worth trying to save a marriage (in my view) but a healthy sex life is quite important, unless you both have very low sex drives. Looking at mags etc is something a lot of men do and some of them see sex as functional and practical so they sort themselves out! It could be that your husband is not very confident that he will satisfy you. He might feel negative about his own body image and feel that he has let you down by not 'straightening' the house out and he might feel that both of you are not making enough effort. I think you would benefit from some counselling and a fresh perspective. Try to excite each other again .. it is possible. Remember what attracted you in the first place before the daily routines of work house shopping bills etc all came along. I think you would benefit from talking to each other and energising yourselves and each other a bit! I'm sure you'll get some good answers from the others on here but I hope this helps a little bit. Take care and good luck :)
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