A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What should I do about my new lover?I met him at Christmas time through my sisters boyfriend and although I wasn't sure at first, we ended up being lovers. As he lives in my home town (he has a four year old son who he sees as much as possible there) and I live in the capital city a few hours away I made it clear at the start that I wasn't looking for anything serious other than a wee 'winter warmer'.Over the three weeks I was home we spent many nights together and got to know each other a bit better. I really enjoy the fact that he is from my home, the shared accent, local dialect, the knowing of same people.. its very comfortable and alluring to me. He's also a hard worker, well traveled and we share very similar taste in music which its a joy. .. We share a love of nature and the outdoors. He is also very domestic and has cooked me some truly amazing meals. Another factor in his favour is his sheer sensuality. He loves to give me a massage and is very skilled !I am physically attracted to him despite him being shorter than I and although masculine looking he is slim built which I don't normally go for being a tall and athletic buildt girl myself.. However, over time the sex between us has become increasingly incredible . Intuitively he knows exactly how to touch me and over time we've discovered a couple of kinks in common. Despite him being not exactly my physical type, I'm finding myself increasingly attracted to him. Don't think I've ever had a lover who have me so much pleasure.So what is the problem? Well I'm conflicted in my feelings about him. What started as being just a 'winter warmer' has developed into what feels like something more. The distance isn't an issue really as I enjoy come home frequently anyway and he travels with his work to fun places where i can visit him. We're both quite busy so a LDR kind of fits our schedule. When apart he stays in regular contact without ever being clingy or annoying, preferring to call me over texting. In a lot of ways this arrangement suits me down to a tee!I do obviously have areas of concern (or i wouldn't be here !) and they are threefold. Firstly I don't feel an intellectual connection with him. I'm no mega brain but I do love reading, words, discussing ideas and the odd critical debate. My lover is a country boy with simple tastes , never read a book in his life, partial to a bit of television and although we share a laugh we've never had much in the way of stimulating conversation. Secondly, he is a smoker , drinks most evenings after his work, to excess at weekends and has a fondness for amphetamine.. I know how bad that sounds but I don't mind a wee dabble here and there.. I also like a drink myself (not daily tho) so I'd feel a hypocrite to pull him up on this, even though it bothers me. Thirdly, and most worryingly, I know that he is not always scruplously honest with me. In my last long term relationship I was lied to for a long time and cheated on. I've managed to remain open minded and open hearted but just to an extent.. O drill have some trust issues. I've mentioned to him once or twice in conversation that honesty is vital to me, that I can accept all eventualities as long as I'm not deceived. He always agrees with me completely. Yet I have picked up on a few untruths he's told me, esp over the last weekend we just shared. I can understand why he told such lies, they were small and kind of to save face. It makes me uncomfortable though. We've not had any 'commitment' discussion so I'm not gonna give him a hard time about anything but the fact he can't just be honest is creating distrust. Honestly I suppose don't consider him a serious long term prospect anyway because of the three factors mentioned but the more time we spend together, the more attached I feel.. Should I give this a chance or should I cut my losses and move on ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2012): Cut your loses.
You no longer view him as a wee winter warmer. You are falling in love with someone you can't trust- THAT is the BASIS of ANY LOVING, ADULT, RELATIONSHIP that grows into love, friendhship, and commitment to one another.
that he has addict tendancies also is a tell tale sign of someone who will lie and deceive to save face. A lie is a lie and not calling him on it only enables him.
Time to end it.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (14 February 2012):
 Well if all you wanted was a “Wee Winter Warmer” (god I love that term) and you are falling for him, then you have a problem…. Because if he falls for you (which is what happened with my FWB from last year) you have to deal with alcoholism and drug abuse. Even if he’s a functional alcoholic he’s killing himself slowly with all that drink…. And for me the speed would be a deal breaker… alcohol and pot I can cope with… you have every right to be bothered if he can’t function without the crutch of his drugs….
He will not stop using just because you have a problem with it. He will have to hit HIS bottom before he changes his ways and if you are in his life and caring for him that bottom will be much harder to hit… trust me on this.
As for the intellectual connection… we can’t get everything we need from one person… perhaps you don’t need a man who can discuss the merits of quantum physics daily and can find that at a book club or some other group where you are located.
The lack of honesty is a problem and will be a bigger problem in the LDR should you get serious. And then you won’t trust him and you will begin to feel insecure and you will become clingy and judgmental etc…
I have to admit if it was ME, I’d probably give him a chance…. But then I make a lot of bad mistakes… and this would be one of them…
IF you can manage to keep him as your WEE WINTER WARMER and keep him at fun and games in an LDR then I suggest going for it.
IF on the other hand you are falling for him and he is falling for you and you two are thinking of making it full time and serious… one or both of you will have to move so you can do this full time…will that happen or would you be ok keeping it LDR forever? I know for me even with 2 hours apart we could not bear the idea of not being together daily and he moved to be with me less than a year after we got serious….. and once we moved in together I was as committed as if we had that legal piece of paper that binds us…
given your three problems... any one of them alone would be workable (except the alcohol and drug abuse but that's a totally personal decision) but all three together is enough to put a damper on my suggestion to give it a shot.
think long and hard about if you want to be saddled with this full time forever...
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 February 2012):
 Remember: women offer sex in hopes it will develop in to a relationship; men will fake a relationship if that's what's necessary to keep getting sex....
"FWB" is largely a benefit to a guy, and a nightmare to a woman.... SHE is likely to want a REAL relationship; whilest HE is content with regular sex.....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (14 February 2012):
 So he is a drug user and heavy drinker, and you also drink and use drugs? Definitely not a good combination - cut your losses and move on.
And one thing to note - cutting out the drugs will most certainly help you with your trust issues, the paranoia that comes with drug use is not going to help anything.
You do sound wonderfully suited but at the end of the day the substance abuse is always going to overide any good that is in the relationship. Long term it will get worse and worse and lead to the relationship's demise. Unless you both quit the drugs completely, and cut right back on the drinking then this is not going to work, end of story.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2012): i dont think you have any control over anything else except ending it. it is a fwb set up and you are just another female who's wrote here because you have become attached. it is okay at first with a fwb, you think you are in control and everything suits just fine. a few weeks later you realise youre not as in control as you thought you was. if you dont want to get hurt then end it, as he wont see you as you would like him to see you. you are his sex on tap and no more.
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (14 February 2012):
If you are getting attached (like most females do in fwb arrangements), then you would be better cutting your losses. The best thing would be to have a heart to heart discussion with him, but its rare for a guy to go from fwb into a real relationship. His tendency not to be totally honest imo is a big red flag.
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A
male
reader, Flashtony +, writes (14 February 2012):
It's difficult to say because you are obviously falling for this guy... be honest with yourself though, if you can't resign yourself to it just being about a LDR with great sex and 'out of sight, out of mind' the rest of the time... what you are saying is that you can't trust him... that's important... if there's no trust then there's no long term future... it's only my opinion though and you could try 'testing' him... see if he leaves his mobile on and in sight, ask about things you can catch him out on... small lies are still lies, and big ones come next... just make sure you don't get hurt any more than you will already be when you move on. Good luck
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