A
female
age
41-50,
*rrih
writes:Hello, I'm in need of a lot of advice. I believe my situation is largely my own fault, but the biggest point is that I need to figure out what to do.I'd grown up religious and then in young adulthood grown out of it, was living for each day, when after rougher periods I met a young Pakistani man. I'm a rather open-minded American who has been educated in Europe, so more exposure to different ideas. Normally I am very down to earth, but right now I'm pregnant, and it feels sometimes that with all of this going on, I should just give up, settle my unborn child, and walk out on life knowing he is in good hands. Some days I feel like fighting, some days I realize that the hormones and loneliness will dissolve within the next year, and other times the anxiety of facing this dreary reality will come back into play recurrently throughout my life, if I allow it to.My husband and I fell in love. He's Pakistani Muslim, I converted, but not for typical reasons, ie. love or just to marry. That's why it's hard some days because I know that my faith is deep, and when we have deep faith we don't falter. But being human, we do stumble.He hesitated too long to divulge our wish to marry to his mother, who went off and found herself a bride for him. After resisting for 2.5 years, he was 'forced' to marry the cousin-wife earlier this year, and no one knew he and I had been married (church only). Of course I was distraught, and he had given me tons of promises. But the past, well, it isn't what he promised. For example, he did promise to divorce her, to never form relationship with her, to have child with me, to live with me, etc.After half year she comes to states, and within moments his attitude changes. Of course his mother wants the other. The other doesn't care about me so long as 'rights' are kept. We are as opposite as they get. I talk to other Muslim women who talk about how men they get as much of anything they want and we have children with them but cannot just leave them, we are attached emotionally etc.So I am hurt by the little things, despite knowing of his love to me. Everything from basic ideas of them being intimate (especially when I see she is not me), jealousy, irritation that he is at peace to live with those other options (other wife, superficial parties with her), and treats us so differently. He has told everyone now that I had forced things from him such as marriage, our unborn son (both of our first child), and then it seems he blames me.From religious and personal growth standpoints, it makes sense for me to learn to deal with my pride and jealousy. But sometimes I am very distraught because I think too, I have no legal status here, my son can be abandoned at any time, if we go into another country then my son is his and can be taken from me without my consent, and I can be discarded very easily, as well as denied. My pride is upset because of the lavish big parties his family throws for the other wife, yet I have been given nothing, nor do I ask for anything except a relationship which is good for my son. Though we both know, if I had it my way, this other girl would disappear back out of our life.I hear a lot of promises, he tells me to have patience, that some things cannot happen right away, that he has to talk to them first and then negotiate...but meanwhile, it is as if I keep my life and my son's rights to his own father on hold for all that time.And if she should conceive then I have absolutely no rights whatsoever. It seems like I will be at a loss no matter what I try to do, because over this period of time he has grown some animosity to me, though of course we both want to act harmonious for our child's sake.The first thing I did was to insist that this not be secretive any more, because he had kept so many things secrets. But I am stuck with my own wish for 'my own husband.' He says such a variety of things it is difficult to trust what is truth and real. He says I should be more adaptive, and the list goes on... but I am a person who needs at least one security factor: that my man has got my back, that I can trust him.I am 7 months pregnant and he was kind for the first trimester, but since then it has been a real rollercoaster for me. I put the stress upon him, and then we fight. I look at the other girl, and I see she is everything he criticizes me for, except she is beautiful and I am plain.My position is not disputed, they recognize me as wife and mother to his first son (for now). But I feel very ignorant and this whole situation has lowered my self-esteem, caused me to doubt my own faith (he definitely strengthens it by simple small encouragement at times). and I am more concerned about what is best from this whole situation??Any advice is apprciated, and I would gladly conversate with people upon this further. Thank you for any comments. Please do not judge religion or the other involved persons from this story, inasmuch as we are looking for resolution.Sometimes I am wondering whether it is better to stay in this situation and hope for better things (as he matures in life, for he is young at 27 yrs old), to bear all pains with more patience (indeed to grow in my ideals) or whether to give up on this situation. It seems so messed up. And I am sometimes of mind that I'm just selfish myself, that this is why my situation in life is unhappy. As you know, we ought to be happy during pregnancy, and I wanted a son very much, we are married (church only but still..) so fortunately I have time to make decisions that will benefit my son, and my own happiness still.I have been divorced once because my ex-husband was not mature enough and did not want children. 4 years later I am in this situation now. I've been wondering if this is why Desi do not like love-marriages. And if maybe it is more mature to pick someone who you can work with instead of someone you feel love for. I've been wondering if I moved too quickly into a decision somewhere.. and how I should defend my child from making a stupid decision too soon into his life that will hurt him. But as we all know, life is also about the mistakes we make, and how we survive them. Blessings upon you.
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conceive, cousin, divorce, fell in love, jealous, muslim, my ex, period, want children Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aoms101  +, writes (7 December 2010):
sallam alaikum. subhanAllah I am in the same situation. I married the man I loved after waiting for 9 years+. In the end he had to marry the girl his mother chose and he asked me to wait another year and I refused so he married me secretly as the first and now I am totally distraught seeing how he lavishly spends on the other whilst I get no rights of time, financial support etc.h. I feel that we reverts are being used and abused and we are letting it. It's not even a year of marriage and I became very difficult so he wants to divorce me as my emotions are too much. I too do not know what to do. I think we should both just leave and seek our Haqq on the day of Judgement. Let me know how you go.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (18 November 2010):
 I think this post demands a deeper understanding of your personal situation and a lot of thinking about what you can and actually want to do. I will get back to you later. I'm sort of marking this post so I can find it again easily.
For the time being, however, there is one question for me to ask: how come a devout Muslim doesn't divulge his RELIGIOUS marriage?
There is something else that I don't quite get. How were you able to marry without anyone in his family knowing? If I understand correctly, in Muslim societies it is unquestionably the man who calls the shots. His mother should have no authority over him, to get him a wife or whatever. I know that life does not work exactly as it is supposed to work, but then I wonder what keeps him from being the male that he is, in his society, and giving you your right place. I think there is more to this matter than just religion, or culture, or whatever. There seems to be a matter of personal preference. Which brings me to the question of whether they don't like you because you were an open-minded American and you were divorced when you married him.
You say he's young, at 27. How old are you? Your profile says 26-29, but then if I were that age I wouldn't call a man 27 years of age "young".
It seems to me that the heart of the matter is that your husband doesn't seem to be "yours". It seems you're dependable. No one would want that.
Let us speculate, perhaps irresponsibly: what would be your real chances of leaving this man?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 November 2010):
 You poor girl this is an awful situation for you to be in and no you are not selfish and never think that you are, you just want what any person wants, a marriage a home a family that are happy and healthy and in general a happy future, you deserve this and no less. So dont accept less. If you honestly think deep down in your heart that his promises are just empty and that he wont change and wont leave his other wife and set up a home with you then i think the best thing you can do is leave, set up a home on your own around your own family or friends and build a stable future for your son and you.
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