A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:So confused who or if im in loveI had an affair with a girl 14 years yonger than me yet we think the same and act the same. we have been on and of for over 2 years.We both love cuddles and sex is great we are so hooked up.I have tried ending it with my lover and I have told my partner how I feel but as soon as realitly cuts in I stop my partner from leaving but I feel so lost without my loverI have 2 kids 4 and 7 years old so I feel I should stay as it dont feel right yet Im so unhappy missing my loverThe thought of my lover with another man kills me, do i feel this way cos i love her or am i just worried she forget me?The thought of leaving my partner also worries me as she is like a friend and we have had 10 years of sharing lifePlease help Im so confused and feel like im running out of time as my lover told me kick ur partner out or leave me alone funny thing tosay as everytime we do this she contacts me ut this time its been 3 weeks and I txt her and she replied 3 days later sayin i miss u to but I cant do this anymore I want u in my life everyday.I do understand how she feels just wish she did me too as when we have spoken about this she sees it in simple terms be happy with me or live a lie.I am happy with her but also parts of my partner, all I know is I feel lost, my modos are all over the place and Im not happy at the moment, I may aswell bin my phone as its so quiet no 20 txt a day no more :-(
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (3 December 2010):
 It appears you arn't actually in love with either of them. Love is selfless and unconditional. Love isn't something you can manipulate to get what you want. If you love someone, you would rather cut off your own head than hurt them or decieve them, including hurting your children.
It's not love...it's lust and want an ego boost knowing you are having sex with both women, however much you are fooling yourself.
Women stay in intolerable situations because they fear loneliness and rejection, they have less opportunities to gain independence. Many have children and have no choice but to put them first...so that is why when their partner is lying or cheating on them, they tolerate it.
Even the woman you are cheating with knows what she is doing is wrong and it is probably low self esteem that is keeping her with you. A more confident woman would tell you to get lost and wouldn't want to be involved with a cheat, for fear he may cheat on her. So many women just stick with what little attention they can get rather than hold out for someone decent and men, like yourself, take advantage and use them.
You most certainly arn't the first as you say...but don't you think the mindset of 'Oh well everyone else is doing it...so it's ok if I do it' is rather despicable. You have no moral compass, you only want what you want. There has been no thought as to how this is affecting the women or the children, do they feel sad and worthless knowing you are like a dog going between them?
You don't love either of them, how you are behaving isn't love.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm om on here looking for help & Ideas how to make sence of my feelings.
I know what i have done is wrong, im not the 1st to stray and im sure I wont be the last.
Anyone know how I know if im in love with either of them?
Thanks
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (18 November 2010):
How do you think this will affect your children when they get a bit older and they find out you cheated on their mother. That particular gem awaits you as you have already messed up their lives. Do you even care how this is affecting the women you are playing games with? Do their feelings matter? Do you think what you are doing is fair to them and your children?...and for what? sex? thrill? ego boost?
You're a selfish immature man who is playing the confusion card so you can keep things just the way they are. You are getting exactly what you want and you are moody because you want the women to fall in line...but they won't.
Your behaviour is bad and disrespectful. Women arn't stupid and this won't go on indefinitely. Your partner will kick you out and the younger woman will find someone her own age eventually when you start ageing (and that's not that far off).
If I were you, I'd tread very carefully because you may think you have the best of both worlds, but in fact, your on very very thin ice.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): You probably either need to grow up, and act like you are 36-40 as you say you are, or act like you are in your early-mid 20's...which is what you are acting like.
Look, you are being selfish, pure and simple.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (18 November 2010):
 You know this isn't fair to either woman, we don't need to tell you that. You are hurting both of them. As far as things go, you owe far more to your wife and mother of your children, than you do to your lady friend. You have to decide who you really love and want to be with. None of us can do that for you. But decide, and end things with one of them. You can't have them both. Children sense when their parents aren't happy, and its not a great environment for them to live in when their parents don't love each other and are fighting. It would be hard for them, but they would eventually adjust if you and your wife divorce. Whatever you do, remember that someone is going to be hurt, and be kind. Frankly, if I was your wife, I'd tell you to go. But perhaps she loves you enough that she's willing to wait hoping you chose her. But do something soon, this situation just isn't right for anyone.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 November 2010):
 Well am afraid you just need to make a desicion here which one you want to be with. you can have both, its not fair on your partner or your lover you are going to hurt one of them no matter what but stop cheating on your partner until you make up your mind. Am sorry but only you can do this. Ask yourself who can you see yourself with in the future, who would you be happier with, dont stay with your partner just because of the children as you will still be able to get access but you need to stop cheating on your partner which ever one you chose who to be with dont have any physical contact with the other person as its not fair on them.
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