A
male
age
30-35,
The Realist
writes:With a friend of mine going through a break up at the moment I have noticed the common behavior of her bf which I want to call the lost puppy effect. Some back ground on the situation is that she broke up with him and is moving on and going through a very good healing process. Her bf on the other hand won't let it go. This situation can be applied to either the guy or girl but it is usually the one who got dumped who is the lost puppy. The lost puppy is the one who does not know where to go after the break up and will try to use anything they can to "save" the relationship. Often that means they will beg, get angry or the most common is to put themselves down in hopes that the relationship will be restored on the basis of pity. I have to make it clear that even in the small chance that this may work you can never hold a relationship based on pity. To the lost puppy: Although they are the least likely to change you have to know that what you are doing is just making things worse. If you find yourself acting like this try to realize that the best thing that you can do is to be strong and try to make yourself a better person after the whole experience whether it be for your ex or the next person who comes into your life. To the other person: Try to have patience with the lost puppy but in the end if they do not give up you will have to be tough with them and most likely remove them from your life. It is always difficult but you being the stronger person have a responsibilty to do so. Never confirm the puppies bashing of themselves but the goodbye has to be very clear so that it is known that there is no maybe in the relationship. Its sad but the lost puppy usually ruins any chance at keeping a friendship with your ex but some people feel that there is no other way to go about things. I hope someone will read this and it help them with themselves or with someone they know so the lost puppy effect can be cut short and everyone can move on with their lives without the dreaded break up that drags on and on.
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male
reader, The Realist +, writes (5 October 2010):
The Realist is verified as being by the original poster of the question I agree with you that sometimes the person who gets dumped isn't to blame for acting the way they do when all they see from their ex partner is the chance to get back together. I'm sorry that you had to go through that one. Thats why I always tried to do a clean break up and when I was dumped to not let the person do that to me. In the end its a life lesson and I'm sure you feel like you learned something from the experience.
A
male
reader, lawguy170  +, writes (4 October 2010):
I agree with everything you have written, but I also wonder about a fourth kind of "lost puppy". Sometimes the dumper creates and manipulates the other into a lost puppy, by halfway acting like they want to recreate a relationship. I was the lost puppy once, but not by choice. I would ignore her and try to move on, only to let her real me back in under the pretense of "friends" a few months later, she would say she's not over me, has been thinking about working things out, then BAM! pull the rug out from under me. So ya, I was to lost puppy, and it emotionally F***ed me up, but sometimes, I think it might go the other way, even for those of us who are trying to remain strong and move on, but just aren't there yet.
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A
male
reader, The Realist +, writes (9 September 2010):
The Realist is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYour very welcome SeeingStars. I'm glad that this could help or even just define the situation. It helps when what you are going through has classification and you know that you are not the only one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): Thank you so much for this. I am currently going through this myself, and have been wondering if I am doing the right thing by staying firm. My ex is making me feel bad, making me feel sorry for him, and by remaining firm and not giving into his words (which include threats to hurt himself unless I talk to him,) I have been feeling like a...well...like a bi*ch to be honest. :-/ But I realise that this is about dependency, about need. That is not what I want.
I am hoping that we can remain friends...but I know full well that rarely works. Deep down, I know cutting off contact will be the only option, but I am hoping for the "lost puppy" to become stronger first before I have to resort to that. Sigh...it is difficult.
Again, thank you for this article, it has really helped me. Thank you.
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