A
female
age
,
*onelyon
writes:I'm practically a newlywed, less then 2 yrs. This our 3rd. We are 48 and 56. We met online and it was a whirlwind.Here is the problem. I've menopaused and lost most of my libido. My husband, who is a gorgeous man, is prescibed meds that cause ed. He is addicted to porn and pornclubs. He would, apparently, rather masterbate then show me any attention, unless I join him in his addiction. I find this unappealing and usually just leave the room. He would prefer that I take care of myself and seems not to want to touch me. In the beginning, he pleasured me in other ways, but that seemed to fizzle out shortly after our marriage. I'm getting more and more depressed. And with that less and less interested in sex at all.We can't even talk about it. I'm afraid he will hate me. He thinks all is well. What do I do?
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male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (28 June 2009):
 I am a little confused by this question, so forgive me if I am getting the wrong impression.
It appears that due to the menopausal stage of your life, you have lost your libido. This means that you are not too interested in sexual activity at the moment. From what I have been told, women who lose their libido during the menopause have no desire or response to their partners' request for sex.
Your husband has erectile dysfunction due to his medication. This means that if he came to you wanting to have sexual contact, his erection would not be the best, and you, due to your current condition, would not accept his advances in any case.
To be blunt, you don't want any sex, and he might not be able to manage it. I assume that both you and your husband are working towards resolving both situations.
That means your only worry really, concerns his masturbation, and so called 'porn addiction'.
It is difficult for him to have sex, and you don't want any with him. But you don't want him to masturbate either?
Am I reading this incorrectly? I am totally confused.
If the problem is his masturbation, then I accept your feelings. He is sliding into a world of complete fantasy that has no happy ending at all. The easier he finds it to masturbate, the more he will do it, and the less attention he will pay to you. But don't think for a second that the pron itself is an issue. It isn't at all. Every man has a favourite type of porn, but it is not the pornstars themselves or the movie, or the action that makes men watch. Men use porn as a quick arousal tool. Then the imagination takes over. Men get addicted to the fantasy of porn, not porn itself.
You need to ask him what he thinks about during masturbation.
I would also suggest that you and your husband communicate some more. Tell him that although you don't want sex, and don't want him to masturbate with the help of porn, you are prepared to compromise in some way, especially if that means he spends less time at his computer, and more intimate time with you (even though you don't want sex). Otherwise, I cannot see an easy solution to an exceedingly unfortunate set of circumstances.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009): I totally agree with the first post. Addictions are serious problems, no matter what they are. They are selfish behaviors and the addict usually cannot see the harm they are causing.
I hope that more counselors are becoming familiar with this problem, but the truth is, you need to see a couselor that specializes in this area, many are not familiar with it yet.
There are several web-sites dedicated to this exact problem. The one you would probably get most help from is npsupport.net (it has a board for partners of addicts). There are many women with similar stories on there.
You have no choice in wether or not he chooses to get well. This is not about you. It has nothing to do with how beautiful you are (think Christie Brinkley and Tea Leoni). You cannot change him, he has got to see the error of his ways and change on his own. This is very similar to an alcoholic or drug addict. This type of addiction is a chemical addiction (to the bodies own endorphines and feel good chemicals)
I can't cover everything here, so please go to npsupport. You will find help there.
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A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (28 June 2009):
 All isn't well at all. He has become addicted to porn and is unlikely to stop unless he gets assistance but you won't be able to do this on your own. Your initial step should be to see a marriage councellor by yourself as its very unlikely he will go so probably not worth asking him at this stage. They will have seen this a thousand times and can give you a complete picture of your options, likely outcomes etc. You have not caused this in any way and should not feel guilty because you have lost your libido, it reduced which is normal and probably disappeared completely when his porn addiction became obvious. His selfish, uncaring self centred behaviour has caused you much pain so there is no reason to worry if he will hate you as you have every reason to be angry with him about it.
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