A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So right now I am so upset and sick to my stomach. I feel hopeless.I think I should just be alone for the rest of my life. I know people think i must be crazy , but my boyfriend and I of 4 years were already fighting and I asked him why he deleted the history on the computer. He told me it was because he was watching porn. Now I feel so sick and I think it is wrong. I can't help feeling this way, but I feel like it's not fair to just say hey I am a guy and I can look at other naked women and fantasize about having sex with them every guy does. If this is true then I am afraid that I may be alone forever. Is it stupid and naive of me to think that I should be enough for someone. Are there any guys out there that don't watch porn? I know he didn't cheat on me, but it certainly gives me that feeling inside and I can't help it. I don't know what to do I told him I wanted to break up with him and I guess it't not just from this. Do you think I need to get over? I don't think I can. Please help and tell me your thoughts.
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male
reader, WindupBird +, writes (21 September 2009):
 Ok, my appologies if this is a bit more of a rant then I intend...
First...ladies...would you like to know if your man watches/looks at porn? Then simply answer the following questions -- does he have acess to the internet? Is he ever alone? If the answers are 'yes' then the answer to the porn question is almost indubitably 'yes.'
Second, even on the off chance that he doesn't look at porn, if you think that his sexual fantasies are only about you then you are the one living in a fantasy world. He's had sex with countless women in his head since you've been together, porn or no porn. I'm sorry, but this is just the way of things, and if you are a woman with any imagination I doubt that every fantasy you've had has been about your b/f making sweet monogamous love to you.
If he is addicted to porn that is another matter, or if he is choosing porn over you that is another matter still, but in this case I applaud his honesty, which is way more than you'll get from most guys (myself included on a few occasions, I am ashamed to admit.)
I understand this a male-centric response but women MUST try and understand their male partner's sexual M.O. (and human sexuality in general) better than I feel some do. To say that he must be mentally faithful to you as well is preposterous. You are the one living a fantasy, and it's just gonna hurt more when the bubble breaks around you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): Yes that's absolutely true......evry single woman I know who accepts porn lacks self respect.
The whole point is that no woman can possibly have self respect and be with a man that
a) needs to get off to other naked women
b) contibites to the denigration of ALL women through supporting the porn industry
No if or buts ..... No reason for me to know every woman...just facts
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2009): Um, I read some of the other posts and a couple of things I don't agree with:
1) Porn and romantic comedies, gossip columns, etc., are NOT the same. There's no explicit sex, etc. Sure, romance novels could be considered porn - but most women, when reading these, will picture the guy that they're involved with, or who they have feelings for (a crush, the best-friiend-who-has-never-looked-at-her-as-anything-else-than-a-friend, etc.). Porn is explicit, gossip and all that is not, it's not sexual... how is reading about Amy Winehouse's latest fallout the same as porn!?
2) To the female anon who said that only women with no self respect accept porn. That's YOUR opinion. Who gave you the right to decide what is wrong and right in relationships? Do you personally know ALL women who accept porn in their relationships? Are they all women who lack self esteem or self respect? Yeah, I figured that. Don't generalize, please. I don't like porn, but I accept it. hey, I'm NOT perfect! I probably have habits that my boyfriend dislikes, but he accepts them. Does that make him a man with no self respect? Say, I like reading gossip columns and all that, and he finds it trivial and juvenile and a waste of time - is it disrespectful of me to continue reading it, just because he has a different opinion? Is he weak just because he accepts it? Don't be so close minded and you'll be way happier! x.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2009): I understand, totally! I usually feel like that. However, I know that's just how MOST guys are, and even if a guy doesn't watch porn he may have other flaws, so nobody is perfect. We need affection. You can't just stay alone forever, because you will crave affection - we just have to accept it, sucky as it is... I also feel it's so unfair, especially since I never get turned on by looking at other guys, so I just feel like he's having his cake and eating it too. But from his perspective, it's different, most guys don't even know exactly what turns them on about porn... sometimes it's not even the women. At least that's what they say, and I believe it somehow, because my boyfriend for instance, he doesn't get turned on by just looking at naked girls' pictures and videos, even if they're smoking, at least once I bought him a Playboy type mag, and he didn't get turned on... yet once we were watching some amateur porn with some girls who were really, really average, just normal girls and he got turned on because well, sex was going on... so MAYBE it is about the acts in the end.
I understand how you feel 100%... but if we want to be with a guy, we have to accept certain flaws, just like they accept ours. Nobody is perfect.x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): All of the comments below don't change the facts;
him watching porn is disrespectful to you ,
him watching porn makes you feel bad,
if the fact that he is making you feel bad isn't enough to make him want to stop then he doesn't care much about you
nobody needs to put up with porn in their relationship or by their partner if they don't want it,
women with poor self esteem think they need to put up with this rubbish, women with self respect demand better
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (17 September 2009):
 Read this - http://www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/men/why-do-men-watch-porn/v1
That should give you some initial (if basic) insight into why men watch porn.
Yes all men watch porn to some varying degree - some watch it a lot and others go through phases, some only watch it very infrequently. But at the end of the day I think you will struggle to find a man that does not watch porn - pretty much every man on this earth will watch it at some point in their lives.
Now men and women are pretty different in the way their brains behave towards sex. Women have a more emotional connection and they dont need as much visual stimulation as men to get turned on. Whereas men dont have a real emotional connection to sex - it is purely physical and about "getting off". The male sex drive is also much higher than that of a woman, so in your boyfriends case he may watch porn purely because he needs that sexual release a few times a day and you just cannot give him that!
Watching porn is in no way a reflection on his feelings for you - I am sure he loves you, thinks you are gorgeous and loves having sex with you. If given the choice between having sex with you and having sex with a porn-star - he would pick you. These women in porn are fantasy, nothing more. They are an expression of his sexual fantasies and desires, he is basically watching something that turns him on and gives him a sexual release. Just as women might fantasise about George Clooney whilst masturbating, men just watch porn!
I know it is quite hard to understand and from the outsider's perspective, porn looks a bit dirty and seedy, and the women's bodies are all incredible so it is easy for a woman to think "why is he looking at these women when he has me - I dont look like that so is he not attracted to me? Why does he need porn when he has me to have sex with whenever he wants?" I really do get it that you can feel this way but the reality is he is not particularly looking at the women's bodies, it is more the sexual acts taking place. Yes it helps that they are attractive but men are well aware that these images and videos they see are enhanced and airbrushed, it all just adds to this sense of fantasy. He is not looking at that woman thinking "I want sex with her" when he is watching porn, his thoughts will be more along the lines of yes she is attractive but the main turn-on is what that guy is doing to her. He probably thinks while watching it "oh I would love to do that to my girlfriend".
While you may never feel fully comfortable with your boyfriend watching porn, I think you just need to accept that it is part of most men's lives and if you try and stop them, they will just lie about it to you which is worse. Just try to ignore it really - dont thik about it. As long as your boyfriend is not watching it every single day to the point of obsession (that is not healthy) and he doesnt watch it when you are there, then it is doing you no harm and keeping you happy. I never normally advocate sticking your head in the sand but in this case, just pushing this to the back of your mind and not worrying about it anymore will be the best way to deal with it!
You shouldnt be threatened or upset by porn - it is purely an expression of sexuality used by men to escape into a little fantasy world and "get-off" quickly and easily. It in no way impacts on you and his feelings for you, it is entirely seperate. It is just the same as women having fantasies about male celebrities or using a vibrator to achieve an orgasm - men just need the visual stimulation to achieve the orgasm.
I hope this gives you more of an idea about why men watch porn, and I hope that you can come to terms with it and be ok with it. You dont ever have to approve of it - just know that it makes no difference to your relationship if he watches it and that his feelings for you are in no way affected by watching it. Accepting it will mean that your relationship will be stronger and you will not fight so much over silly issues like this. And you might find that if you are ok with it, the whole "forbidden" element behind it will go away so when he knows you dont care any more, it might not be so exciting to him and he might watch it less!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): Have you ever watched a romatic comedy? Read a trashy novel or paid attention to trashy gossip in the media?
It's not as different from guys watching porn as you probably think.
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A
female
reader, kathy255 +, writes (17 September 2009):
I don't understand why some women get upset over a guy watching porn. If he is addicted that is one thing. Although, if you have certain convictions you need to stick to them, if you feel that he is not for you leave. Never stay in a relationship that you can not trust or respect somebody. I do know guys that don't watch porn, but all the guys I know have watched it before. It does not make you a bad person if you have watched it. You need to find out how often he really watches it, if he is doing it all the time tell him to hit the road, but if that was the first time in a year don't worry about it. He just needed to get "motivated". Men sometimes need visual stimulation that does not mean he loves you less. The way I see it he can look at the menu any where he wants but he better eat at home.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): I know you must feel betrayed, and I'm not sure if every guy looks at porn - but I really wouldn't hold that entirely against him. It sounds like there are other issues that are affecting your relationship, but the one key point here for any relationship is communication. You should speak to him and find out why he is turning to porn instead of you? Maybe he needs sex more often?
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