A
male
age
30-35,
*eekndXO
writes:Hey guys! I am 22 and have just lost my first love, someone I thought was soulmate. I always mingled with girls but only settled for this one because I thought she was special. Can anyone help?Long story short, I broke up with ny ex 2 months ago. I hurt her real bad when I was very drunk, said some nasty things because I was hurt by her. She dumped me after that but she knows I am not the abusive type, I NEVER insulted her or hurt her, it was only because I felt hurt from a certain series of events.It was a 2.5 year relationship, no cheating or anything. We were very close for 2 years and after we graduated it became long distance.In Sept she started an intensive post graduate course which consumes all of her time. She only manages to go out like once a month. I gave her space and didn't want to be a distraction to her at all.*She took this as a sign of me being a bad boyfriend, not doing enough. She said I wasn't doing enough for her which infuriates me because she never let me know I wasn't being good enough.So we broke up and she cited various reasons. Being my first love, I cried and pleaded and got nothing. She said she doesn't want a boyfriend with her stress of studies.She studies all the time so she has no time to speak to me, I felt offended she acted like this after 2.5 years of love so I initiated NC between us, told her not to speak to me again.I was feeling great as 3 days past then.......I received a tipsy phonecall from her telling me she loves me, misses me an wants me to wait a while for her! We had a nice 2 hour conversation, things looked great!So I text her with some great news about an job interview 3 days later. I expected nice conversation but she replied 7 hours later with this "Hi. Goodluck with your interview. Speak soon."That was all I got after all that affection she showed me 3 days before. I was deeply hurt, so out of instinct I called her a waste of time and my love..She replies a few hours later with a long email telling me we are over and we can't get back together. She said she meant it when she said to wait for her but she doesn't want me to wait for her..She ignores my calls for a few days, the I met her twice the following week.We had a great time, we were able to talk about anything, played in the snow..even held each other for a while. It was amazing. We ended with a hug, saying she wants to be friends and she doesn't want a boyfriend right now with her studies.*I was fine with that, I thought I need to be there for her at a stressful time.She sent me a short text the next day, then I got nothing from her after that. She ignored a few messages and calls and when we finally spoke she had an exam the next day, I tried to be as nice as possible to releive her stress but it seemed like she was trying to get off the phone as quick as possible. I was making all the convo and only got 1 word answers.*When I asked her what she had been up to, she said nothing but studying but I saw on facebook she had been doing some fun stuff.That's when my heart really broke. I got so annoyed that she doesn't want to talk to me even though I care about her so much, even though I show so much interest and that I've always been there for her. I was being so nice and got nothing in return.That was it. I deleted and blocked her off facebook after sending her a one last goodbye message.I had started NC for good. I cried and I cried until I felt good about the future without her for a few days.Unfortunately at around day 6 of NC (Valentines Day) I started reminenisce and miss her so much. I realised that I can't hate her, I just love her so much and that I want another chance to have a better relationship because I know it would be better. Things did go bad but communication would have fixed that but she was so focused on her studies, she didn't bother.I keep telling myself she won't come back but I still always have that hope in my heart. I want to get rid of that hope. It's been full week of NC (longest ever ever we haven't spoken since meeting 3 years ago.)Before I started NC I sent her a Valentines Day card with a personal message but I still haven't heard from her, no thank you or anything.I keep telling myself it's over and I'll find someone else but I still have hope. I know she's stressed with exams and she does nothing but ignore me or give me poor responses but I have nothing but love for her and I can't hate her....which hurts me so much more for not being able to have her.I am fine with not speaking to her for a while but deep down inside, I really want her back and that feeling isn't fading away. I'm sick of the crying.I just want her back or to stop hoping or loving her.*I find myself having ridiculous emotional mood swings all day because I just miss her but in the same time, trying to let go.I feel like she doesn't love me anymore and is fine without me. She's always really happy on her FB messaging all her friends being single and all. I wish I was that happy but I am just miserable without her. I trust her that she's focused on studying and won't move on to anyone else soon (I'm the only person she's been with in the last 4 years)So I guess my question is, how do I get rid of this hope for her to come back? How can I just ignore the memories of the good times?How can I stop feeling awful when I picture her being with someone else?This is my first breakup and I'm on 7 days NC (not counting the card sent before BU). Any help would be appreciated, thanks!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (17 February 2012):
 Many of us lose our first love... or that "soulmate" who we just KNOW we were destined to spend our life with....
The lion's share of us get over it and go on with our lives.... A FEW spend days, months, years.... even the rest of their life... sitting around and lamenting the love that never blossomed.....
You can decide which category is the category that YOU prefer.....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012): I know how most people say NC is what you should do. Cause that way you can move on. But that's not always true, sometimes you get stuck while the other one moves on, while you're still waiting for the NC to start working and her missing you which she might but that doesn't mean she'll contact you even if she wants to.
First you need to figure out if you really want to be with her. Do you want to wait for her? Or do you just wish to move on cause a part of you feels like you can do better or whatever. Think about that until you're completely sure. Can you still love her the same, actually even more than before even after what has happened, or if you cant love her the same or more.
If you do decide you want her and no one else.. First I think you should send her a text or email or contact her saying you want to wait for her, if she doesn't respond don't pay any mind to it, if she does and tells you she doesn't want you to ignore it. After that you should wait about 1 week after every time you contact her if she doesn't respond. Don't read too much into her answers if she does. Its better to start anew than be stuck in the past. Go at it as if she was someone you just met and liked. Don't wait too long to contact her again when she doesn't answer cause that gives her a chance to "forget". What you say when you contact her can be anything, just not about getting back together and other things like that cause that might put too much pressure on her and she'll grow tired, just tell her about things that happen in your life or some random joke.
If you do decide that you would rather move on cause that would hurt less or something like that just stick with the NC. And if you ever feel like contacting her don't. If you still end up doing so, delete all her contact info that you have that you remember.
Although sometimes even when you don't go with NC.. You still end up moving on, and if you do tell her you still want to wait for her.. If you ever realize that you no longer want to, be sure to tell her that.
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A
female
reader, Mariab +, writes (17 February 2012):
 Losing someone hurts!! ALOT! And it takes sometime to get over. Day 7 is still fresh so you need to be patient with yourself. With time it will all pass! It seems she has her hands full with her studies and whatever else she is up to so best to respect her decision and just keep the NC...unless she contacts you.
You have to start making time for yourself and doing stuff you like to do to keep your mind off her. Gym is a good outlet for frustration. Go out with friends and do anything to avoid being alone and miserable over her. Good luck xx
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