A
male
age
30-35,
*er_zyniker
writes:Hi. I'm a 23 year old gay college student and I'm a virgin. I recently joined adam4adam.com since I'm really busy this school year and I don't really have time for a relationship, but like most my age, I have needs. So earlier today I was talking to one guy on the website that lives near me, who I've never met, and he said that he's sort of in the same boat. After a while we agreed to a friends with benefits arrangement and we're planning on meeting in public within the next few days to chat a little bit before we actually start having sex. I was wondering if anyone on here had any advise for me in terms of dos and don'ts for this type of arrangement. For instance, I also want to hang out with the guy, as friends of course, but how far is too far on that front?
View related questions:
friend with benefits Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 December 2013):
 I honestly think this is the dumbest thing you can do. You have NO experience with relationship and sex and you want your FIRST encounter to be with a "stranger" whom you know a little?
I get the whole "I have needs" but you are setting yourself up for several things.
1. desensitizing yourself to sex - it's not a big deal - well it IS and it should be, whether it's your first time or your fifteenth.
2. You run such a big risk getting hurt, physically and emotionally, because no matter how nice a guy sounds online ANYONE can FAKE that. Even fake being gay.
3. You sexual partners have on average more partner then if you found a guy to date and therefore the risk for STD's are proportionally higher. Some don't care WHO or what they sleep with which down the line put YOU in danger. Many guys/girls do not get tested regularly so they assume they are "fine, which is exactly what they tel la partner. Just because you are not pissing blood doesn't mean you don't have a STD.
4. having talked a little doesn't make you friends. What you are looking for is NSA, not a FWB. (No Strings Attached) KNOW what you want, be upfront.
WiseOwlE has some really good advice and I hope you take it to heart.
And yes, I would say the same if you were a straight guy or a girl.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (10 December 2013):
 The trouble with FWB is that there is no 'friends' and it tends to create a perfect environment to treat other people like bits of meat...use and abuse, then be cold, disconected and blunt.(see previous post from female anon)
It does not take natural human behaviour into consideration...our need to be loved, accepted and wanted.
From what I hear, the gay male world can be a viscious, cut throat and transient experience so I think you really need to know what you are getting into. Some men have been raped and attacked because they did not know who they were really getting hooked up with.
I think it's far better to build a network of friends, get to know people and make connections that way, rather than just picking random people to have sex with.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2013): When meeting guys on hookup sites, be prepared to be stood up. Expect someone who may not look anything like his profile picture. Don't expect him to be like some dreamie guy in a porn film.They are often attracted by your profile picture; but become intimidated or shy off; once they have to face you in-person. Many of my friends have experienced guys who come on strong from the beginning, and get cold-feet when a meeting has been arranged.Don't disclose too much of your personal information to strangers. If he volunteers too much information, don't offer any until you feel comfortable enough with who you're dealing with. You are taking a big risk with a total stranger.By all means use protection. It isn't a good idea to start sexual activity without asking a guy his HIV status. Whether he is comfortable with the question or not. Even though he may not be honest and lie about it; he will be aware that you are conscious of your heath and safety. He will treat you accordingly. Safe-sex, or no sex. BRING YOUR OWN CONDOMS!Do not accept drugs or over-indulge in alcohol. You are at the mercy of a stranger you've never met in-person. So develop trust over time. You'll be inclined to just go for it, that's what online hookups are all about. That doesn't mean throw caution to the wind. Your personal safety and health is important. You should be completely in charge of your faculties; even if you have a few drinks. You don't want him getting the upper-hand while you're out of it. You just may never see the guy again.Make sure he doesn't have a wife or a boyfriend; if you don't want drama. Don't be too quick to accept invitations to sex parties, or secluded locations. That's a red-flag.Good sex and conversation is going to arouse more than sexual feelings. You are strongly advised to be fully in charge of your feelings; so attachments beyond FWB are not attached on the spot. Young gay men always pretend they got it under control, then someone gets hurt. If he's cute, you are going to be swept away by it. You're a virgin and inexperienced. That's to your disadvantage. No drama. Keep it cool. If he never calls back, or responds to your text messages after sex. It just didn't workout.There is no guarantee he will want to continue hooking up, and you may be the one deciding he isn't the one you're looking for. Take rejection like a man. If you have to reject him; be as nice about it as you can.Don't be a coward, be straight up. Don't consider being FWB's; if you are over-sensitive or clingy. It sounds better than it might be, if you're doing this for the first time. You may be disappointed many times over.Did I say, practice safe-sex. Look for unusual blisters or discolorations that look suspicious. Don't be intimidated if you don't like something he does, let him know when you feel you're being pushed too far. Don't expect a brainiac. Most of these guys are just in it for the sex, and they don't carry on great conversation.They may be better at messaging than talking.I think you're going to have to kiss a few frogs. That's just the way it goes. It's more fantasy than fact. You don't always land a dreamboat on the first try. Don't get jealous. If he has other guys on his list of f-buddies; remember that you are only seeking a buddy to get off with. Not a boyfriend. He may not want to be that chummy and hangout. Don't start setting expectations. Meet the guy first and see what's going on in his head. Then decide how far to take it.Truthfully, I think you're going in over your head. You're a virgin, and don't really know the first thing about what you're doing.No matter what I say, your mind is already set on it. You really should wait to learn how to establish something real and meaningful. I know you're going to attach feelings. You're bound for disappointment and heartbreak; because you're going about it the wrong way. Your heart doesn't always listen to logic.Well, I guess you have to learn. Be safe!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2013): Im a lesbian and am dealing with an friends with benefits. My advice know where to draw the line. Since he will be your first the experience will be quite emotional for you. And you will develop a closeness with him. This may lead you to jealousy when he fancies other guys or talks to them. Know that friends with benefits do not check up on each other. That means don't check out his facebook, don't look through his phone, if he needs something other than a release you cant really help out, don't share too much nor expect too much. Every Friends with Benefits situation is different. My partner loves being affectionate, whereas I think that is reserved for relationships. My partner loves hugging, whereas once im done I want to shower and be apart. My partner thinks its okay to borrow money, shop, and eat together, whereas im like what are we romantic lovers. So you need to sit down with him and discuss what is acceptable and what is not. You must be compatible to some degree otherwise it will be a headache. Also the friends portion will ruin it. Spending too much time with someone cause feelings to develop. Sex only when youre horny is better bc you are not building anything. But with friendship youre getting to know him and his likes dislikes and all the gooey things that turns good sour. The friendship in friends with benefits only mean that it is not a one night stand and you guys can communicate on a above one night stands but below relationship level. Good luck and have fun.
...............................
|
