A
male
age
,
*elleas
writes:I fell out with my best “lady- friend” 3 years ago. She was separating from her husband (my best friend too) and because I did not want to take side, my silence in her eyes damned me. She accused me of something unbearable and I, in a flux of anger walked out. Few months back I rekindle my acquaintance with her now estranged husband, but as far as I am concerned she still feels betrayed by me and doesn’t hesitate to show me her antagonism when ever we do happen to meet. Being of a fiery temperament I give as much as I get to be honest. But for some obscure reason I feel like I missing her immensely. She was like the sister I never had and I feel a hole in my heart whenever I think of her. I wrote to her once but she did not reply. Now that Christmas is coming and I‘ve been invited for the festivity by her ex-husband, I really would take this opportunity to make friends again. I’m not asking for things to be as before our dispute but if we both could observe a bit of civility for the children sake and the Xmas spirit.How should I approach this?Pelleas.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (22 December 2007):
 Hi there...
I am really sorry she has decided not to answer your letter yet. Sometimes people need time to heal and to forgive and ask for forgiveness in matters that are very emotional to them. In time, she might have an answer, maybe just not right now.
However, you my friend, have not failed. You have had a major self growth process in which you have not only found it in yourself to deal with this issue emotionally but you have found the strength to write a letter from your heart, expressing how you feel, with the possibility of having no answer from your friend. You have become a stronger wiser man and that does not come easily; growing is always painful!
Now, being a stronger and wiser man will help you trough 2008. Don't be pessimistic about your future, each day will give you the opportunity to smile and be grateful of what you have, even if that is just the ability to breath; or to sit down and mope about how difficult it has all been. The truth is happiness depends on the little choices in life, choose to live and to be happy. You will meet other people, you will laugh and have fun again, if you decide to.
Finally, if you decide to move for a fresh start so let it be. But do it because of this and not as a way of running away from this experience as a different zip code will not change how you feel it will only give you a novelty which will eventually go away.
I wish you all the best of lucks and hope, she will in time come to terms with your experience. However, you can not force this and you have done everything you could do. The ball is in her side now. Have a Merry Christmas and a very happy and fulfilling 2008!
I send you a huge Caribbean hug!
A
male
reader, pelleas +, writes (22 December 2007):
pelleas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI send my “lady friend” a heart-fell letter. As I did not get any answer until now,I may just have to accept; nobody can make anyone else feel something they don’t feel.
It takes two to make a friendship; I cannot do it on my own.For that reason only I decided to decline an invitation to spend Xmas day and I am going to abroad for the festive season and try to make sense of my failure.
2008’s is going to be extremely painful and heavy
I suppose.I ,regrettably am thinking of going to live away from it all and take a new job,maybe in Australia or something.Thank you for your support and kind words.
Merry Xmas & happy New Year.
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A
female
reader, Minelisse +, writes (13 December 2007):
Hi Pelleas...
Is there any way you could sit down and talk to her before Christmas? You could call and ask her to meet and sit down and see if there is any way the both of you can come to terms with the experience. Maybe you could write a letter if you think it would be too much for you to tell her how you feel, but, nevertheless you could meet before staying over.
If this is not a possibility, you could reconsider Christmas plans. By what you are writing it seems this situation is really troubling to you. Christmas is meant to be a family jolly, fun time. Family trouble almost always arise, and we just have to deal with them when they do. However, from your original post I think you have a need and an intention to rekindle your friendship. Leaving pride behind, sitting down and talking and then enjoying Christmas can be achieved!
Hope this helps. Best of lucks!
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A
male
reader, pelleas +, writes (12 December 2007):
pelleas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPerusing through your comments…after days of reflections,
I come to the conclusion that you might be right when you said that I should find a way to deal with the hurt and pain of my grief. I transfer my despondency unto my friend and it’s not fair to her, her estrange husband and more to the point to me .Having admitted that, I’m faced with a terrible dilemma. As I am still anxious in my friend ‘s presence what’s going to happen on Xmas day which I am suppose to spend with the husband, their children and her? For the harmony’s sake I am seriously considering declining his invitation to stay over as I cannot guaranty how I or she would behave in such a “tinder box” environment that Xmas day is. Any thoughts?
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A
female
reader, Minelisse +, writes (6 December 2007):
First of all let me say I am very sorry for your loss, I lost my brother about 4 years ago and my mother and father still grieve him very much; so I am familiar with that pain. Some other people, however, are not because they haven't been through it and God willing, they never will.
Having said that, when we are trying to negotiate something, we need to be able to give in some. If you can not forgive her, then why do you want her friendship back? You can be courteous in her presence even if she is not.
In Puerto Rico they say "you need two to fight". If you are in the same room just be courteous, if she begins a fight, just leave!
In my opinion, even if she doesn't ask for forgiveness you should find a way to deal with that hurt and pain. Having a grudge will affect you more than her. When you are able to do that, I'm sure you'll find a way to feel more comfortable and courteous around her and this will make her notice your change for good. This would be a good first step to growing out of that painful experience.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, pelleas +, writes (4 December 2007):
pelleas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLonging for reconcilliation II
I can only acknowledge my own personal failings until my “friend” come to the conclusion of what she said to me on the outset of our dispute was devastatetely wrong (she used the death of my child as a bargaining ploy to make me admit to something I haven’t done) and until now there is no signs of this happening.
The issue in my eyes is not whether we can forgive each other but how can we learn to live with what we’ve been trough (her with the fall out of her separation and me through the grieving of my child;
in no way she is responsible I hasten to add.)without going at each other throats. I love my friend, I clearly miss her but I cannot forgive her for what she said to me especially after the acute pain of loosing my daughter. Things cannot be the same. All I want is the antagonism toward each other to stop,
Pelleas
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A
female
reader, Minelisse +, writes (4 December 2007):
The thing in relationships and strains in them is all the persons involved are in some way responsible of what happened. Try to acknowledge how she felt and how you could have reacted differently.
Making amendments means asking for forgiveness in the wrongs done. Talk to her or write a letter. Tell her how you are sorry of what happened and how important it is for you that you can both let this in your past. How you miss her and the kind of relationship you miss with her. Basically what you have written here, after asking for forgiveness.
Good luck!
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