A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:please help im not sure what to do. ive started going out with this guy who i really enjoy being with. he sez hes never felt this way about someone before and he thinks he loves me.we grew really close as friends. well my problem is that i have serious issues with alcohol that i find really hard to get over. my grampa and his brother were serious alcoholics, his brother lost evrything due to it and is an outcast, he has himself and his drink. my grampa lukily got his act together and got help. hes been dry for almost two years now. my parents seem to drink alot and when they do they become really angry and upset at me call me names. iv overall had an extremely bad outlook on drink and therefore dont drink myself.i find it really hard to be around someone i love whos drinking. i get so upset when they drink and really distressed. its ok if its just friends and i dnt mind and i have a laugh but when its someone i love i get upset about it. for this reason i cant b in a relationship with people who drink. i could go into further details on this but its not necessary. this guy when i met him, didnt drink alot and i liked it but we acted as friends then and as we became closer he started drinking more because of our friends who drank ALOT(which doesnt bother me). i spoke to him about it n told him about my situation. he tells me he doesnt need to drink. before he came hed drink once a week with his friend - never to get drunk.he knows his limits. he doesnt need drink at all and said if it made me that unhappy he wouldnt drink. hed rather be with me, hes happy with me and drink doesnt do anything to him its just like drinking coke. i knew my friends wouldnt understand any of these feelings i have and i knew if i told them, theyd only judge me and make me feel stupid or say im manipulative.eitherway i feel theyd fall out with me if i told them how i felt about it.so my boyfriends not saying anything to them. but because they drink so much they keep trying to make him drink. they complain and say hes boring and tell me its my fault. the other night they were drinking and tied him up and held his nose n tried to give him str8 vodka for a laugh. he says its not that bad bt i think its a horrible thing to force him to drink because he didnt want to take any. im scared theyr gna get worse and worse and going to end up finding out. i dont want them forcing drink on him. they do it to me as well but they dnt reli force it more like pour a glass and plead me to take it. because he drank alot before and now sudenly not drinking at all. im afraid im puting him in danger. but if i said go and drink i dnt no if i could b in that relationship with him. they drink so much and hes basicly compelld to drink if other ppl are drinking.this message is long enough without having to list my problems and reasons why i feel i cant go into a relationship.please just accept that fact. but tell me what i should do? he reli wants to be with me and i want to give him a chance and think there could b something there. i dont want to fall out with my friends, my boyfriend and the rest of them all share a flat at student residence. i dont want to feel like im trying to change him. ive told him he can do whatever he likes its up to him if he drinks or not. im not boxing him in and telling him to choose. iv not told him that i couldnt cope with being in a relationship if he drank but he nos about my feelings. he says he'd rather stay with me and make me happy then our friends but i dont no what to do. if we do this hel b in danger with how theyr going to treat him and we'l both be in trouble if they find out. i feel like im picking my friends or my boyfriend. i dont want him hurt and i dnt want him doing something he doesnt want to do. tho he tells me it is but im so unsure of what to do. please help me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): I can give you a simple answer about your "friends." They are not really your friends if they are trying to force both you and your boyfriend to drink.
Your boyfriend stopped drinking because he loves you and cares enough to be with you and give up the alcohol. Stop badgering him about whether or not he wants to drink. And quit giving him ultimatums about if he drinks, you won't be with him. That will only drive him away. Then you'll find yourself alone and starting over again.
My other suggestion is to not worry about what your so called friends think and develop your new relationship with this great guy. I think at this point, you should both dump these friends and go find new ones. These people are not really your friends, they just want to party and they don't want to do it alone. That way they don't feel like alcoholics, when in truth, they really are.
To make a long story short, be with this guy and embrace the fact that he's quit drinking for you. Find a group of friends who enjoy being sober and like doing the things you do, and enjoy life for what it is and don't worry about what others think.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007): Look his mate just seem like average blokes. But you both need to make them realise that you aren't gonna take that crap anymore.Basically the only thing you can do is stand up to these immature jackasses.And believe me I like a drink as much as the next guy (there is nothing quite like having a glass of Hennesey on special occasions, and it has to be savoured because it isn't cheap) but I hate drunk people.My own father is an alcoholic and drunkedness usually only leads to problems. And nothing gives someone the right to force a person to drink if they don't want to and I would have smashed the crap out of these idiots if they ever tried.Or I would have damaged the share-house and blamed them. You are more trustworthy than they are so it would be your word against that of a bunch of frat-morons.We all must make sacrifices and if he has chosen to forgo the drink to appease you, than it seems like you are gonna be alright.But just don't freak if he wants to have a beer with a friend from high-school or his old man at some point.Because if he has to sacrifice, than so do you. But he has to grow a sack of balls and not feel compelled to drink of others are.Flynn 24
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